Crabby Work Haikus

I will work, I swear
in the unlikely event
you shut the fuck up

The deadline is "tight"
because you started the work
yesterday, you douche

I'm a CPA
Taxes make me pray for death
Thanks, career counselor!

I said it was close
enough for government work
It WAS TOO funny

Each time you run the
calculator tape I want
to hurt you, BADLY

Because I'm All About The Follow-Up

Two things:

1) FUNNY STORY about the culmination of Best Week Ever: Not So Much Edition. After I left work on Friday, NotDate and I decided to blow off a little steam in the form of happy hour, followed by a nice steak dinner. Good times, right? I mean, who doesn't love paying $35 for 5 scallops? The week was really looking up, is what I'm saying. Really, the only thing that could stop the good times from continuing to roll at that point would be leaving the restaurant to find that BOTH OF OUR FUCKING CARS HAD BEEN TOWED. Ha! HA HA! TANGO! FOXTROT! SIERRA!

Man, all you can do in that sitch is go RIGHT BACK INSIDE and have another fucking drink, because SRSLY.

2) I am perplexed over this senior key thing, which even my own SISTER, who graduated only two years after me from the SAME HIGH SCHOOL, for the love of GAWD, claims not to recognize. Here is what they look like:

Yeah, yeah, WICKED AWESOME picture, I KNOW. Anyway. Does no one else have one of these rotting away in a jewelry box somewhere? That's Hers on the left and His on the right. Tradition required that a senior guy give his key to his girlfriend to wear. In ADDITION to his class ring. Christ, I must have looked like FLAVA FLAV with all that bling dripping off of me, now that I think about it. Look at the CHAIN on that thing! I mean, I went to high school in Minnesota, not fucking JERSEY, right?

24: Unfortunate Lack of Jack Bauer Edition

Listen, I have some Fun Facts on deck, but I cannot resist torturing you all with the last 24 horrifying hours. I am so sorry. FOR MYSELF.

Thursday, 6:45 am: Bitter feud with Ava over whether or not she is capable of strapping HERSELF into the carseat ("I big girl mommy! I WEAR UDDERWEAR!")(you: failing to see the connection)

6:50 am: Go back into house for keys, only to discover am LOCKED OUT of house, sans keys (OBV). Search in vain for "spare key" knowing in heart-of-hearts it DOES NOT EXIST AND NEVER HAS.

7-7:30 am: Attempt to entertain 2-year-old using only items found in a 1998 Nissan Altima (YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED)

7:30 am: Garbage truck arrives to collect trash. Definite highlight of Ava's morning. Slash LIFE. She cries bitterly as it pulls away, screeching "MOMMY I WANT TO GO WITH HIIIIIM!"

8:00 am: Sainted realtor drives from ACROSS THE METROPLEX to open the front door. Graciously pretends not to notice the state I was clearly planning to leave the (on-the-market) house in (i.e. SQUALOR)

8:45 am: Get to work, WICKED FUCKING LATE during one of my busiest weeks of the year. Log onto Facebook (WHAT?) to find that today is realtor's BIRTHDAY. Send horrified apologetic email.

9:00 am: Continue shirking duties out of bitterness/middle-class sense of entitlement. Peruse Stuff Accountants Like. Feel better.

12:15 pm: Arrive at spin class to find Perky McHoseBeast substituting for usual bad-ass instructor on whom I have teeeeny girl-crush. Perkster turns off music to read from book of INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES at regular intervals. At conclusion of class, hands out recipe for "healthy" brownies with secret ingredient BLACK BEANS. (TFS!)

5:30 pm: Leave work and decide manicure is in order. Stop at new nail place. Choose what turns out to be a completely unfortunate shade of purple polish. Nail "technician" is CRAZY BITCH named Lisa who fights with her Vietnamese boyfriend (ALSO doing nails in the next chair) THE ENTIRE TIME. Am verbally assaulted by Lisa's chronic use of the word "pampering". Feel the OPPOSITE of relaxed.

7 pm: Arrive home to find POWER OUTAGE on my street. Call to TXU after 15 minute hold reveals they "are showing an outage at my address". Helpful.

7:15 pm: Blatantly leech electricity, food, and wine out of NotDate. NotDaughter comments that "[I] look a lot skinnier when [I] wear dresses" (!!). Spend two hours watching Holes. Get unfortunate earworm causing me to repeat "Shia LaBeouf" over and over.

6:00 am: Power STILL out. Get showered and dressed in company fitness center locker room. Remember how fucking CREEPY it is to be nakedly chatting with coworkers.

7:00 am: Unfortunate attempt to put shirt on while sporting "towel turban". Get STUCK and clearly need help, but realize I'm fully committed at this point and must persevere. Wrestle with self like MORON for upwards of 30 seconds before head-hole gives in and accepts towel-wrapped head (um).

7:30 am: Get to office. Resign self to office coffee due to tardiness. Fervently wish for intern/serf/peon to send out for Real Coffee.

7:45 am: Use restroom, only to find that shirt/deodorant has had last laugh (also featuring unfortunate RuPaul nail color and what appears to be OGRE-ESQUE MAN-HANDS OMFG)

So. Let's click REFRESH on this fucking week, shall we?

Blog Share

This post was written by an anonymous blogger (NOT TESS)(although she totally COULD have written it), as part of -R-'s Blog Share. Go check out the list of participating bloggers, read some juicy anonymous posts, and leave some comments, wouldja?

My alter ego:

BlogShare gives me the opportunity to vent my frustrations.

*This woman at my office who laughs. ALL DAY. She can't say anything without punctuating it with a laugh or a giggle. For me, it causes the same effect as that man (or was it a woman?) who would fall into an epileptic fit each time they heard Mary Hart speak on Entertainment Tonight. I wonder if worker's comp would cover my psychiatric care when she drives me completely crazy.

*Women who hover over the toilet bowl. They make these things called toilet seat covers? Those will protect your backside from the cooties living on the toilet seat. Try it sometime.

*Smokers. I know it's a horribly hard habit to break, but just try. I quit. You can too. Aside from the deadly side effects, it ages your skin, makes your teeth yellow, and causes wrinkles. Plus, gum and cologne do not cover up the stench.

*Kathie Lee and Hoda

*People who don't pick up their feet when they walk. I hate the sound of shoes scuffing the floor. On the flip-side, these types of people can't really sneak up behind me to mug me.

*Customers who write checks at the register, and don't even start filling them out with the date or name of the store until the cashier has told them the amount. Get an ATM card, for the Pete's sake!

*The octuplet mom, her mother, and her doctor. I mean, come on! Someone needs to get that woman spayed.

*People who use Twitter to do nothing but whine, bitch, and be negative about everything (kind of like what I'm doing here). I don't think they realize that all their readers know about them is from what they tweet. They might be great people, who are happy and fun to be around, but judging from what they tweet, they're all a bunch of Debbie Downers. The most annoying tweets are those that say something generally horrible like, "My life just turned to shit!" waiting for someone to reply, "Oh no! WTF happened?" And it turns out to be something as terrible as their power went out right before Desperate Housewives.

*The chemistry.com commercial on TV with the woman who says she promises never to wear a flannel nightgown. The guy answers something like "or how about no nightgown." That guy creeps me out. Couldn't chemistry.com find someone that doesn't look like a sex offender? If that is what the average chemistry.com candidate looks like, I think I'll pass.

Thanks for letting me complain a bit over here. I like to keep a facade of happy teddy bears riding unicorns over rainbows on my blog, so I don't tell anyone I was here.

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Gets Road Rash

Hey, just fyi, you know what really ratchets a Valentine's Not-Date up to maximum awk? When his kid and your kid are playing together, all kum-ba-ya-isn't-this-nice, and one of them GETS HURT.

Oof. It was totally an accident, and he felt TERRIBLE, and his daughter felt TERRIBLE, and OH MY GOD. Ava has a HUGE scrape on her forehead.

She's fine, and I don't get too fussy about stuff like this, BUT. You know who DOES?

Carlos. Oh boy. He is, uh, NOT HAPPY. About the road rash OR the Not-Date. SIGH. This whole co-parenting/dating/being divorced thing is such a beating, you guys. It's like sometimes all I want is to just GET AWAY from Carlos, like, FOREVER, but I CAN'T. At a minimum, I want him to mind his own fucking business, but on the other hand, Ava IS his business, and how do I separate what *I* do from what SHE does while she is with me?

Bah. This is veering in a weird and rambly direction. Let's talk about something else.

You know what I like about (not) dating someone who is divorced? He Gets It when it comes to dealing with an ex. For example, the following is a complete transcript of a phone conversation we had yesterday:

Tess: Hello?
NotDate: Man, my ex-wife is SUCH A BITCH!
Tess: I know, RIGHT?
NotDate: Well, that's all I really had. Call ya later.

Also, I should report that the heart-shaped pancakes and eggs were a huge hit. I got a can of that Batter Blaster stuff, so the girls could squirt (GAH! Another word that gives me the heebs!) the batter into the molds, while we drank wine. Win-win.

This (ORGANIC! SNORT!) shit is AWESOME, and totally worth the $5.99 ass-raping. Now there's a phrase you don't get to use every day.

Fun Fact Friday: Barfy Valentine's Edition!

*The first Valentine's Day gift I ever got from a boy was a Black Hills Gold necklace in the shape of a heart. I was 14.

*When I was 16, the same boy gave me a promise ring before he left to join the Air Force (you: GROUP RETCH). I still have it.

*I also still have his class ring, and his senior key (is the senior key a MN thing?). What do I DO with this stuff? I tried to give them back several years ago, but he was all, "I gave them to YOU". What the? You don't want your fucking CLASS RING back?

*The first boy I ever kissed was Luke R. He threw his jacket over our heads and kissed me in the bleachers at a football game (subtle!). I was in 8th grade.

*I just found out THIS YEAR that my sister ALSO got her first kiss from the same guy! Isn't that SICK? Oh man. You should have seen his face when we told him. I think he thought he was being punk'd. Or starring in a porno.

*I loved The Notebook. The book AND the movie. I KNOW! I feel DIRTY even TELLING you that! I AM SO SORRY YOU GUYS!

*That being said, I would really like to know what Nicholas Sparks' DEAL is. Seriously. I mean, he is criminally into the barfy love shit! To the point that he has made it his LIFE'S WORK. There is something a little...OFF about that, right? Am I just a jaded bitch here? NO I AM NOT NICHOLAS SPARKS IS HIGHLY SUSPECT THE END.

*Even though the thought of it is exhausting, I'm not afraid of dating again. In general, I speak fluent Guy. I like to make fun of people, I swear, I drink beer, and I have a lot of funny(ish) stories about what a loser I am.

*I've had two really heinous heartbreaks in my life. They were both over the SAME GUY.

*One thing I like about myself is that, when it comes to love, if I get the choice to sit it out or dance, I dance. (you: that DID NOT just happen!). Oh, shut it. Don't blame me, blame American Idol.

Ruthless!

Well then! Thank you all for your valuable input! I seriously loved your comments, although I will say you are all a bunch of picky fucks! I think some of us may be, uh, SELECTIVELY REMEMBERING our own dating exploits. SRSLY.

In the guy's defense, because I am nothing if not an Irrational Defender of the Hot, there's obviously more to him than just those two (slightly nutty) things. I ALSO present the following for your consideration:

On churchiness: It's not an automatic disqualifier for me. I've dated churchy guys before (hard to avoid at CBU), and without exception they were all great boyfriends. My point is, I don't enjoy being pigeon-holed as any one "type", and I try hard not to do that to other people. In fact, I may or may not have accepted his invitation to attend church (hungover) the next morning (TRUE STORY! DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING, DID YA?). There might even be something a little, uh, ATTRACTIVE about this type of guy, in an I-am-definitely-going-to-hell sort of way. Ahem.

On the $40 rule: My sister, as usual, called it when she said I would think that was funny. I did. I find all SORTS of inappropriate things funny, which is one of my many dubious charms. Anyway, as I said in the comments, he later spent upwards of $80 on our bar tab (see hangover above), so in my mind it was just stupid "guy talk" which should never have seen the light of day. Also, what kind of BITCH runs up an $80 bar tab on a first date? An $80 bar tab is nothing to sneeze at in Texas, home of the sub-$5-beer. I clearly have some type of Special Talent in this area. GAWD. Horrifying. Imagine what they are saying about me on HIS blog!*

Other Skills and Qualifications:

• He's also divorced, and he also has a daughter.
• He used to be in a band, and he has a great singing voice. Swoon.
• His house is clean, and not some horrifying bachelor pad.
• He likes me. He's been clear about this.

So! There you have it! As always, I welcome, nay DEMAND, your comments.

*He doesn't have a blog. Believe me, I have SCOURED THE INTERNETS. Also, his name is quite common. Damn those Real Hispanics and their unimaginative naming schemes!

Dating, and Other Horrors

So. I, uh, sort of accidentally went on a DATE. With a GUY.

I know. I know I know I KNOW, okay? I have no business dating, for a wide variety of reasons up to and including the possibility that I am MOVING OUT OF THE STATE. We won't even get INTO the various and sundry other ways I am unprepared.

But. He tricked me! It was a classic bait-and-switch! We met in a work-y setting, and he took my card and invited me to lunch, and I was all "Sure! I have not dated in SEVEN YEARS and am mildly oblivious to begin with, so I am in no way sensing your intentions! It's just lunch!".

But THEN, at the end of the week, he kicked it up a notch, all, "Aaaactually, can you go to dinner on Saturday night instead?"

*RECORD SCREECHING NOISE*

Ruh roh. Even *I* am not dumb enough to think THAT shit's not a Real Date. But I had already said yes to lunch! Nervous tummy! WHAT TO DO?

So anyway. That happened. The good news, if any, is that this broaches two topics requiring your expert analysis! I suffer and YOU ALL SUFFER!

Topic the first: Let the Bible Belt come and save my souuuuull!

During one of my very first email exchanges with this guy, he asked me to pray for an important meeting he was going into. And when I told him where I lived (safety first! GAWD I suck at this), he mentioned that it was near his church. Now. Many of you are having a good cringe just thinking of that, and believe me, I FEEL YOU. But, here's the thing I've learned living in Texas: you can't judge someone's awesomeness based solely on their outward churchiness. You cannot even judge their ACTUAL churchiness based on their outward churchiness. There are...cultural factors at work here that us Yankees don't experience. Holy HELL this is sounding judgemental. It's just...hard to explain, and I'm doing a shitty job. Help me out here, bible-belters! AM I RIGHT?

Anyway. I will say that he is actually a totally normal, cool guy, as far as I can tell. Cusses, drinks like a fish, used to be in a band, etc. My question to you is this: would you discount a guy who mentioned religion (in any context, pro or con) early on? Why or why not?

Topic the second: The Rules

At the end of the date, which was at a fairly low-key place, the bill came to $42 for the two of us. The guy (WHO NEEDS A NAME OMG)(NOT THAT ONE MICHELE) jokes that I owe him $2, because he and his friends have a rule that they never spend more than $40 on a first date.

Alrighty! First of all, why $40? It seems like if you're fussy enough to create a RULE, you might as well round up to $50! I mean, they make a special BILL for this purpose, and everything!

Second of all, what do you think of a guy who has "rules"? Is this some kind of...early fussiness indicator light?

No really, I WANT TO KNOW. I don't ask you guys for much, DAMN!

Anyway. He's a nice guy. We are NOT NOT NOT dating though. Because this guy is hot, and I don't date hot guys. (ANYMORE).

Fun Fact Friday!

So, that Facebook 25 things meme. GAWD. I have to admit, it's not completely annoying, even if it IS blatant intellectual property theft of Fun Fact Friday. But, whaddya gonna do.

ANYWAY. Here're your goddamned 25 (TWENTY! FIVE!) fun facts. You can all pump the brakes on the tagging now, eh?

1. I am shocked at how much I like blogging, but I don't consider myself a writer.


2. I never have any unpublished post drafts in my Blogger account. If I can't pump out an entire blog post start-to-finish in one sitting, I just delete it and try again another day.


3. My writing voice is similar to my "real" voice, but I don't swear (quite) as much in person.


4. My sister likes to say she has a "comedic annoyance with mankind". This describes us both perfectly.


5. In reality, I am actually quite agreeable.


6. I am incredibly intuitive and will either like or dislike you immediately. I have rarely had reason to change my mind.
   
7. My dream job involves being a cook on a crab fishing vessel or an oil rig.


8. Or a dancer on Broadway.


9. The thing I miss most about being married is cooking big meals.


10. The thing I miss least about being married is being forced to sleep with ESPN on all! night! long!


11. I have a secret fear that I am the type of girl that guys like, but don't want to marry.


12. But, I do think I will get married again someday.


13. I believe in fate/divine intervention, but I also believe people mostly use the idea to make themselves feel better about their own decisions.


14. Both of my parents are extremely religious.
    
15. I have dated an atheist, an agnostic, the son of a Pentecostal preacher, and a guy whose parents were missionaries.


16. I don't think television, the internet, or video games are bad for you, or your kids.


17. I like the Duggars. I think they are a nice family.


18. My boss always tells me I "think quickly on my feet", but I know what he really means is that I'm excellent at covering my ass. He's right.


19. Part of my success at work is a result of my body size/type, and that makes me want to barf.


20. I love seeing pictures of other people's workspaces. Send me a picture of you at work. Srsly.


21. I think 90% of the nutrition "advice" out there is complete and utter bullshit.


22. I'm a chronic meal-skipper. I don't think it's bad for you.


23. My least favorite thing about myself is my reluctance to let people know too much about me.


24. I'm not a crier. I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried in the last (incredibly shitty) year. I would rather DIE than cry in front of other people.
25. If I could go back and re-do my 20's, I would.

Tess's Favorite Things, Mostly Link-Free! Helpful!

• Target brand Dill Pickle Cashews. Cashews+dill pickles=BEST IDEA EVER! I'd like to get a shaker full of that dill pickle seasoning so I could keep it in my purse and sprinkle it liberally on my eggs and french fries and beer and such. Now THAT would improve my life dramatically.
  
  
• Scarves from Limited Too, or *kicky finger snap* Justice, or whatever-the-fuck they are calling it now. Made for kids, so they're not a million miles long, and don't make me look like I've been playing dress-up in my mommy's closet.
  
  
• Iams dog food. The vet claims it's as good as Science Diet, but it tastes better to the dogs, if that's something about which you care deeply. Bonus: it's cheaper and you can buy it at Target, not just at PetsMart.
  
  
• How I Met Your Mother. I was late to the game watching this show, but it is...GREATNESS. It's the new Friends. The "Bro Code" and the "Slap Bet" alone are worth watching for.
  
  
• Jack-in-the-Box's Southwest Chicken Salad. Best fast-food salad out there, and I have looked far and wide. It has those little...spicy corn crunchy deals! You can't go wrong with spicy corn crunchies. At least in my world.
  
  
• Harry and David Chocolate Cherry Coffee. Make your whole house smell like a box of cherry cordials! Actually, that sounds kind of disgusting. You'll just have to take my word for it.
  
  
• Jeff Black's B-Sides and Confessions album, especially Sunday Best. Launchcast recommended this based on my ratings, and although their recommendations can be, uh, suspect (VEGGIE TALES SOUNDTRACK), I do love this. I think the dude looks like Garrison Keillor, which YEAH, is a little distracting, but if you can get past that, I promise you won't be sorry.

Tour d'CHOWDAH

Um. So, where was I again? Man, this time of year is a straight BEATING at work. Yesterday, I was in a fairly important meeting with some overpaid tools, blah blah the USZH, and I was so out of it that when my boss asked me what I thought, he actually BURST OUT LAUGHING when he saw my face. (True story: I was thinking of the song Chicken Fried by Zac Brown Band)(I know, WT-EVERLOVING-F?)

Also? I went to Boston. Would you like to live vicariously through me via shitty pictures taken with the BatPhone? Yeah, that was rhetorical.

The good news (FOR ME) is that on Friday afternoon, having nothing better to do than eat and drink (as if I EVER do), I decided to partake in a little...CHOWDAH ROADTRIP. (Why oh WHY does that sound so...nasty? Yet it only gets WORSE as I try to rephrase!)

Anyway. I was downtown, so I started at the Boston Chowda Co, at Faneuil Hall.

Chowdah rating: 4.5 out of 5. Typically a 5 in my book, but in the interest of collecting a proper sample, I didn't partake of the breadbowl. The things I am willing to do. FOR SCIENCE. Also, I hadn't started drinking yet, so self-control was at its apex. Downhill from here, OBV. (Important experiment footnote: I did add one (1) pkg. of crushed oyster crackers to each bowl)

Next up: The Union Oyster House, which (fun fact!) is reportedly America's oldest continuously operating restaurant! They are really milking that shit too. I dunno. It DID look pretty old, I'll give it that. I had to lay off my fact-checker, so don't get all fussy on me! Near(ish) Faneuil Hall.

Chowdah rating: 5 out of 5. This was my FAVORITE chowdah. Bar none. Demerits for serving the chowdah with fucking CORNBREAD, though. What is THAT about? Unacceptable. If I wanted "bread" that tastes like livestock feed I could have stayed in TEXAS.

So THEN, I hopped on the T, because I was having a beer(ish) with each chowdah sample, and also because I couldn't be bothered to find places to eat through my own fastidious research, and instead figured I'd just toddle off randomly at the occasional stop and see what looked good. National Lampoon's Underthinkers Vacation!

Stop #3: Boston Beer Works, near Fenway Park. Clearly, we are shifting our focus JUUST a leetle toward the beer here. Whatever. Back off.

Chowdah rating: 3.5 out of 5. The chowdah had HUGE chunks of potatoes, with the SKINS ON, which I do not generally approve of. Still really good though. Unearned bonus points for a Blueberry Ale I had with ACTUAL BLUEBERRIES floating in it. So awesome. It was like drinking out of a lava lamp.

Stop #4: Coolidge Corner Clubhouse. Coolidge Corner neighborhood in Brookline. What do you MEAN this picture looks straight off of the website, and not as if I took it with the BatPhone? Oh shut up. I was on like my fifth beer. I FORGOT OKAY? You're lucky I made it this far!

Chowdah rating: 4 out of 5. They have a GIGANTIC menu, which is not usually a good sign, but the chowdah was WAY better than I expected. That's not just the beer talking! I think!

My hotel was near Coolidge Corner, so I just stumbled on back after that. You guys, the ONLY thing(s) I had to eat and drink on Friday were beer and chowdah! TRUE STORY! It was just as disgusting-slash-awesome as it sounds.