Here's the 20-minute treadmill workout I referenced in the Fitness Bullshit post, for those who asked. I do this about once a week, or whenever the weather is shitty, or whenever I only have 20 minutes. You get the idea. I SHOULD do it more often, or in place of some of my running workouts. But then I would have to interact with coworkers on my lunch hour. Me Time FAIL. I think you can see my dilemma.
Anyway. One problem with this workout is that I typically do it on an incline treadmill, which is a special kind of treadmill that allows a much steeper incline. Uh...HENCE THE NAME. But, you can still get a good workout on a treadmill that only inclines to 10 or 15%, especially if you are just starting out.
LESS TALKING, MORE WORKOUT-PROVIDING:
00-05: walk at min incline (5-10% for me)
05-06: walk at 15% incline
06-07: walk at max incline (20-25% for me)
07-08: walk at 15% incline
08-10: walk at 10% incline
10-11: walk at 15% incline
11-12: walk at max incline
12-13: walk at 15% incline
13-15: walk at 10% incline
15-16: walk at 15% incline
16-17: walk at max incline
17-18: walk at 15% incline
18-20: walk at min incline minus 5% (or zero)
I walk the same speed the entire workout (3.5 miles per hour for me). You could go faster or slower, but don't go so fast that you have to lean over and cling to the rails like you're about to go over Niagra Falls in a leaky barrel. Goddamn. As long as you're there, you may as well stand up straight and pump the arms, ya know?
If you do this right, you should be sucking wind by the end. You will feel it in your butt (especially if you lean back) and calves/thighs (especially if you lean forward). Your max incline should be high enough that you cannot do more than 1 minute at that level.
If your treadmill doesn't incline past 10 or 12 percent, just start at 1 or 2% and work up. It's still a good workout, especially if you go a little faster and really pump the arms, mall-walker style (TOTAL DORKFEST, I KNOW).
Hey, if YOU do any interval workouts (walking, running, biking, weights, whatevs), lay em on me, wouldya?
Friday, July 31, 2009
Fitness Bullshit
Well, we're back from the Great White North, and boy howdy could I use a little kick in the ass vis-a-vis the exercise sitch. I thought it might be fun, in a crabby, Nice Mood, Tess kind of way, to list some things I personally file under the category of Fitness Bullshit.
Disclaimer: These are thoughts that are helpful to ME, in my "fitness journey" (*RETCH*). You may mind-fuck your way into exercise from some other angle, and I'm totally cool with that. (I am RAW today! Jesus!)
BS the first: You should only do exercise you enjoy. The concept that exercise should feel good, or comfortable, or even be RIOTOUS FUN, for chrissakes, irritates me. It implies that if you DON'T feel this way, you are doing something wrong. You're not. Many douchey fitness types who LURVE a certain exercise are confusing the feeling they have after they are done with the feeling they have WHILE THEY ARE EXERCISING. You MIGHT find an exercise you find fun, and if so, rock on. Most of us find only exercise that we can tolerate with minimum bitterness, at least while we are doing it. I myself am about 50% miserable while running, and about 75% miserable while spinning, and those are my two favorite fitness activities.
BS the second: More is more. I'm a runner, and this attitude is RAMPANT amongst that crowd. I've fallen victim to it myself. I've done MARATHONS, for the love of gawd. I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment I got, but I'll be the first to admit that the evidence is rapidly mounting against long cardio endurance efforts. And you don't have to run 5 miles, or spend 45 minutes on the elliptical, to be fit. I think walking workouts and sprint/interval workouts are wicked underrated for building fitness. I myself do a 20-minute treadmill walking workout about twice a week that kicks my ass. Of course, you DO have to work hard at some point in a workout to see results (I usually think of the 80/20 approach for easy/hard effort during a session), but you don't need an hour of cardio, and walking is FINE. GOOD, even.
BS the third: Listen to your body! I get the SPIRIT behind this, which is safety-related. If your body is telling you something is UNSAFE, it probably is, whether you are exercising at the time, or not. But the thing is, the body can be one whiny, lazy motherfucker. And unsafe is different from painful, or boring, or uncomfortable. If you're ever going to find out what you can really achieve physically, you're going to have to ignore your body and listen to your MIND most of the time (try The Nonrunners Marathon Trainer for ideas on MENTAL exercises to get through workouts). When I start to feel shitty during a workout, I like to tell my body to fuck off and repeat my mantra: "The mind is in control". When I feel like quitting early, I ask myself whether I have "left everything on the table" that day, knowing how good it feels when I DO. Or, if I need a complete mental takeover, I recite multiplication tables. True story. Whatever, it works.
BS the fourth: You need to find motivation/time to exercise! Uch. I really hate this one. If you sit around overthinking the pros and cons of working out, YOU WILL NEVER CONSISTENTLY DO IT. There is always a reason not to, and the reasons why you SHOULD sound like total Tony Robbins bullshit in the moment. Don't give it too much headspace. Either you prioritize it over another activity in your life, or you don't. Either you decided to do it, or not. You don't have to feel like it, and you don't have to be happy about it (see BS the first). Whenever I hear my inner voice say something like "I don't feel like it. I'm tired/sick/stressed/hungry.", I immediately counter with, "SO?". It reminds me that this is Just What I Do. No reason is necessary. Also, as I've spewed in comment sections far and wide, I've never finished a workout and said to myself, "I wish I hadn't done that". So, there's that.
What Fitness Bullshit would you like to debunk? No comment too crabby!
Disclaimer: These are thoughts that are helpful to ME, in my "fitness journey" (*RETCH*). You may mind-fuck your way into exercise from some other angle, and I'm totally cool with that. (I am RAW today! Jesus!)
BS the first: You should only do exercise you enjoy. The concept that exercise should feel good, or comfortable, or even be RIOTOUS FUN, for chrissakes, irritates me. It implies that if you DON'T feel this way, you are doing something wrong. You're not. Many douchey fitness types who LURVE a certain exercise are confusing the feeling they have after they are done with the feeling they have WHILE THEY ARE EXERCISING. You MIGHT find an exercise you find fun, and if so, rock on. Most of us find only exercise that we can tolerate with minimum bitterness, at least while we are doing it. I myself am about 50% miserable while running, and about 75% miserable while spinning, and those are my two favorite fitness activities.
BS the second: More is more. I'm a runner, and this attitude is RAMPANT amongst that crowd. I've fallen victim to it myself. I've done MARATHONS, for the love of gawd. I enjoyed the feeling of accomplishment I got, but I'll be the first to admit that the evidence is rapidly mounting against long cardio endurance efforts. And you don't have to run 5 miles, or spend 45 minutes on the elliptical, to be fit. I think walking workouts and sprint/interval workouts are wicked underrated for building fitness. I myself do a 20-minute treadmill walking workout about twice a week that kicks my ass. Of course, you DO have to work hard at some point in a workout to see results (I usually think of the 80/20 approach for easy/hard effort during a session), but you don't need an hour of cardio, and walking is FINE. GOOD, even.
BS the third: Listen to your body! I get the SPIRIT behind this, which is safety-related. If your body is telling you something is UNSAFE, it probably is, whether you are exercising at the time, or not. But the thing is, the body can be one whiny, lazy motherfucker. And unsafe is different from painful, or boring, or uncomfortable. If you're ever going to find out what you can really achieve physically, you're going to have to ignore your body and listen to your MIND most of the time (try The Nonrunners Marathon Trainer for ideas on MENTAL exercises to get through workouts). When I start to feel shitty during a workout, I like to tell my body to fuck off and repeat my mantra: "The mind is in control". When I feel like quitting early, I ask myself whether I have "left everything on the table" that day, knowing how good it feels when I DO. Or, if I need a complete mental takeover, I recite multiplication tables. True story. Whatever, it works.
BS the fourth: You need to find motivation/time to exercise! Uch. I really hate this one. If you sit around overthinking the pros and cons of working out, YOU WILL NEVER CONSISTENTLY DO IT. There is always a reason not to, and the reasons why you SHOULD sound like total Tony Robbins bullshit in the moment. Don't give it too much headspace. Either you prioritize it over another activity in your life, or you don't. Either you decided to do it, or not. You don't have to feel like it, and you don't have to be happy about it (see BS the first). Whenever I hear my inner voice say something like "I don't feel like it. I'm tired/sick/stressed/hungry.", I immediately counter with, "SO?". It reminds me that this is Just What I Do. No reason is necessary. Also, as I've spewed in comment sections far and wide, I've never finished a workout and said to myself, "I wish I hadn't done that". So, there's that.
What Fitness Bullshit would you like to debunk? No comment too crabby!
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The Motherland awaits!
So, guess where Tosc and I are going tomorrow? HERE ARE SOME HINTS:
Woo hoo! Bonus: it's going to be in the 70s while we are there. SEVEN-ZERO. TWO digits. **HAPPY DANCE** SEE YA TEXAS!
Woo hoo! Bonus: it's going to be in the 70s while we are there. SEVEN-ZERO. TWO digits. **HAPPY DANCE** SEE YA TEXAS!
Bonus hilarious Google Image Search result:
Bonus Fun Fact: Tosc's ex-wife is ALSO from Minnesota! TRUE STORY! Ha! HAHA! Man, does he have a raging Yankee Fetish, or WHAT? He should really get that looked at.
See you guys next week(ish)!
xoxo
Friday, July 17, 2009
Fun Fact Friday: Welcome to The Suck
*I had to lay off one of my employees this week. Ugg. ACK. WORST. You can imagine how comfortable I was in THAT situation.
*After going through the official "script" for this kind of thing, I ended the meeting by offering to let her punch me in the face. TRUE STORY. GOD. There really IS something wrong with me.
*She did laugh though, so I'm thinking they should totally add that to The Script.
*Honestly, though, WHO DOES THAT? What the FUCK?!
*This has been the craziest year of my career. I have the irritating type of job that gets MORE busy and stressful the slower our business gets. Hmm. This makes it sound like I'm in SALES, or some shit. Ha. HAHA. NO. It's exponentially more boring and lame.
*One of the ladies in my regular Tues/Thurs spinning class was recently diagnosed with Lou Gherig's disease.
*If I were diagnosed with an incurable disease, you would not see my ass at spinning. You would see it in a BARSTOOL, in front of a plate of CHEESE FRIES. It's amazing and awesome that she's still coming to class.
*Ava is on her way to Boston(ish) for her birthday, and I am wicked bummed. BTW, I was not offended by any of the comments or emails regarding my feelings on sharing custody. Before I had to do it, I could not imagine being away from Ava 1/2 of the time, either.
*It's amazing what we can adapt to, isn't it?
*Speaking of which, if you've emailed me about flicking, I probably haven't responded yet. I'm sorry. I am going to.
*After going through the official "script" for this kind of thing, I ended the meeting by offering to let her punch me in the face. TRUE STORY. GOD. There really IS something wrong with me.
*She did laugh though, so I'm thinking they should totally add that to The Script.
*Honestly, though, WHO DOES THAT? What the FUCK?!
*This has been the craziest year of my career. I have the irritating type of job that gets MORE busy and stressful the slower our business gets. Hmm. This makes it sound like I'm in SALES, or some shit. Ha. HAHA. NO. It's exponentially more boring and lame.
*One of the ladies in my regular Tues/Thurs spinning class was recently diagnosed with Lou Gherig's disease.
*If I were diagnosed with an incurable disease, you would not see my ass at spinning. You would see it in a BARSTOOL, in front of a plate of CHEESE FRIES. It's amazing and awesome that she's still coming to class.
*Ava is on her way to Boston(ish) for her birthday, and I am wicked bummed. BTW, I was not offended by any of the comments or emails regarding my feelings on sharing custody. Before I had to do it, I could not imagine being away from Ava 1/2 of the time, either.
*It's amazing what we can adapt to, isn't it?
*Speaking of which, if you've emailed me about flicking, I probably haven't responded yet. I'm sorry. I am going to.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Fun Fact Friday: I still have a kid!
*Ava turns three next week. I thought two, for the most part, was an AWESOME age. With the exception of 18ish months, I have not yet met an older age I didn't like better.
*I'm not going to be with her for her birthday. She's going to be with her dad, in Boston(ish). And that's all I have to say about that.
*I know it's totally, TOTALLY controversial to say this, (what is it with me, and the BALLS, lately?) but sharing custody is nowhere NEAR as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, at times, it is awful. But having every other weekend to yourself, when you know your child is with a loving parent and is well cared for? IS AWESOME. Call CPS. I do not care. It's true. Plus, I am more available and present when I DO have Ava, because I know that I can get other things done when she's not with me. So, there's that. YAY DIVORCE!
*I'm not going to be with her for her birthday. She's going to be with her dad, in Boston(ish). And that's all I have to say about that.*Not to harp on the Jon and Kate thing (TOO LATE), but when Kate said she was "going to be bold and say that she will NEVER miss a birthday or holiday with her kids", I just snorted. Good luck with that.
*For now, I am happy with our custody arrangement. I have Ava on Wednesdays and Thursdays, and Carlos has her on Mondays and Tuesdays. We each have her every other weekend.
*We drop her off, and pick her up, from daycare. Therefore, we rarely see each other, and don't go to each others' homes. For example, on "my weekend", I will pick up Ava from school on Wednesday, and drop her off at school the following Monday. On "his weekend", he picks her up on Friday, and drops her off the following Wednesday. Does this make ANY sense? I can get more fussy in the comments, if there's interest.
*For the most part, we each talk to her on the phone in the evenings, if we don't have her.
*Well, that's fucking depressing, so I think I've earned some Mommyblog-esque bragging: Ava is potty-trained. She goes to the potty alone, even during the night (thanks daycare!). She eats like a mini-lumberjack (wonder where she gets THAT). She knows the days of the week, and whether mommy or daddy is picking her up ("daddy two times, then MOMMY two times!"). She calls me MOM, for fuck's sake! Hilarious. And, you should see her tan. The Waterbabies SPF 70 is no match for the Real Hispanic.
*Well, that's fucking depressing, so I think I've earned some Mommyblog-esque bragging: Ava is potty-trained. She goes to the potty alone, even during the night (thanks daycare!). She eats like a mini-lumberjack (wonder where she gets THAT). She knows the days of the week, and whether mommy or daddy is picking her up ("daddy two times, then MOMMY two times!"). She calls me MOM, for fuck's sake! Hilarious. And, you should see her tan. The Waterbabies SPF 70 is no match for the Real Hispanic.
*I know it's totally, TOTALLY controversial to say this, (what is it with me, and the BALLS, lately?) but sharing custody is nowhere NEAR as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, at times, it is awful. But having every other weekend to yourself, when you know your child is with a loving parent and is well cared for? IS AWESOME. Call CPS. I do not care. It's true. Plus, I am more available and present when I DO have Ava, because I know that I can get other things done when she's not with me. So, there's that. YAY DIVORCE!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
And if you're wondering whether I ate it all, then you're a TOTAL SKIMMAH
As promised, less bitching and more overpriced food! If that doesn't make the world a better place, I don't know what does.
Here's an Extreme Close-up of the sushi (spicy shrimp and avocado rolls). I'm trying to eat girly shit like this in the next few days, while Tosc is off in Romania providing free medical and dental care to impoverished youths (TFS!). You know, as opposed to clogging the internet with Middle Class Sob Stories. Anyway, Tosc, uh, is not a fan of sushi. Or anything that does not fall into the four basic food groups of Beer, Pizza, Burgers, and Tex-Mex. In fact, he's a wicked bad influence on me in general. I'm all, "let's go running at lunch", and he's all, "I do not accept your offer, and instead counteroffer with Five Guys".
Here's the salad, with bonus cameo by my vitamins. Nothing too special here. And yes, I DID staple the sides of the takeout container for staging purposes. Now there's organic bleu cheese dressing all over my Swingline. I hope you people are happy.
So, what did YOU have for lunch today? Bonus points for pictures and revealing how much it cost.
Here is today's lunch. I had to take pictures of the salad and sushi separately, because I COULDN'T FIT IT ALL IN ONE PICTURE, OMFG. The humiliation. It is...not that bad, really. I'm pretty much done with people insinuating that I eat like some kind of LUMBERJACK. Maybe I AM a lumberjack! How the fuck do you know? Ahem.
Whenever I can't decide what I want for lunch, I like to toddle on over to Whole Foods and just See What Looks Good. This is a TERRIBLE idea. You don't even want to KNOW what this lunch cost.
Whenever I can't decide what I want for lunch, I like to toddle on over to Whole Foods and just See What Looks Good. This is a TERRIBLE idea. You don't even want to KNOW what this lunch cost.
Here's the salad, with bonus cameo by my vitamins. Nothing too special here. And yes, I DID staple the sides of the takeout container for staging purposes. Now there's organic bleu cheese dressing all over my Swingline. I hope you people are happy.So, what did YOU have for lunch today? Bonus points for pictures and revealing how much it cost.
These exercise posts never end well
You know, I've had a sticky note square in the middle of my desk for MONTHS now, upon which I've written, in huge block letters, "FITNESS BULLSHIT". True story. This is particularly hi-larious if you know where I work. Anyway, let's bring THAT inadvisable blog topic to fruition, shall we?
I know I'll get some haters here, but I have to tell you that I'm struggling with my fitness lately. I haven't exercised at a level that I would consider acceptable in three weeks. I know, I know. HOLD YOUR EYEROLLS TIL THE END PLEASE. The thing is, it has been over 15 years since I have gone that long without regular exercise and that is NO SHIT. Even when I had Ava, I ran the day before I went into labor, and was out walking a few days after.
This tooth/hospitalization/surgery thing has really fucked me in the goat ass, though. For about two weeks, I could barely open my mouth and barely swallow. I could not chew. I could not use a straw. For ONE of those weeks, I didn't eat anything, AT ALL. And, I laid in bed for about 10 days, getting up only to pee, and to pound painkillers. As a result, although I am feeling better, I'm still pretty weak physically, and I've lost a LOT of strength, and fitness.
I don't think I have the words to accurately describe how...BAD it feels. I'm frustrated. I'm pissed. I'm...SAD. I'm HAVING A MINOR(ish) FREAK-OUT over it, if you must know. Which reminds me that one reason I am so fastidious about exercise is to fend off Teh Depression slash Crazy that runs rampant and mostly unchecked in my family.
I had a slight taste of this when I was pregnant, and couldn't physically do many of the things I was used to doing. But pregnancy, FOR ME, was not an illness or disability, and I could and did exercise vigorously the entire time. I don't mind saying that I was in great shape, all things considered. I didn't lose any fitness. I SURE AS HELL didn't go weeks without eating.
I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this, other than BOO-HOOsville, and I can see that we will not even GET to the actual Fitness Bullshit, but, you know, FUCK THIS SHIT, MAN! Don't I get to play some kind of Lifetime Fitness Enthusiast Card? Complete with Get Back in Shape Free pass? I think that's what I'm REALLY pissed about. I feel like I've been putting in my time for YEARS, climbing the ladder, and in a few short weeks my body sent me, WHOOSH, right down the motherfucking chute. I mean, that can't REALLY be how it works. Right?
Jesus H. Christ, this is whiny, even for me. "When Tessie was in Egypt's laaaand. Let my Tessieeeeee GOOOOOO!".
Okay. Time for hilarious health kick comments. I have spoken.
I know I'll get some haters here, but I have to tell you that I'm struggling with my fitness lately. I haven't exercised at a level that I would consider acceptable in three weeks. I know, I know. HOLD YOUR EYEROLLS TIL THE END PLEASE. The thing is, it has been over 15 years since I have gone that long without regular exercise and that is NO SHIT. Even when I had Ava, I ran the day before I went into labor, and was out walking a few days after.
This tooth/hospitalization/surgery thing has really fucked me in the goat ass, though. For about two weeks, I could barely open my mouth and barely swallow. I could not chew. I could not use a straw. For ONE of those weeks, I didn't eat anything, AT ALL. And, I laid in bed for about 10 days, getting up only to pee, and to pound painkillers. As a result, although I am feeling better, I'm still pretty weak physically, and I've lost a LOT of strength, and fitness.
I don't think I have the words to accurately describe how...BAD it feels. I'm frustrated. I'm pissed. I'm...SAD. I'm HAVING A MINOR(ish) FREAK-OUT over it, if you must know. Which reminds me that one reason I am so fastidious about exercise is to fend off Teh Depression slash Crazy that runs rampant and mostly unchecked in my family.
I had a slight taste of this when I was pregnant, and couldn't physically do many of the things I was used to doing. But pregnancy, FOR ME, was not an illness or disability, and I could and did exercise vigorously the entire time. I don't mind saying that I was in great shape, all things considered. I didn't lose any fitness. I SURE AS HELL didn't go weeks without eating.
I'm not sure exactly where I'm going with this, other than BOO-HOOsville, and I can see that we will not even GET to the actual Fitness Bullshit, but, you know, FUCK THIS SHIT, MAN! Don't I get to play some kind of Lifetime Fitness Enthusiast Card? Complete with Get Back in Shape Free pass? I think that's what I'm REALLY pissed about. I feel like I've been putting in my time for YEARS, climbing the ladder, and in a few short weeks my body sent me, WHOOSH, right down the motherfucking chute. I mean, that can't REALLY be how it works. Right?
Jesus H. Christ, this is whiny, even for me. "When Tessie was in Egypt's laaaand. Let my Tessieeeeee GOOOOOO!".
Okay. Time for hilarious health kick comments. I have spoken.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Wait, when are we going back to pictures of my lunch?
Man, I'm on quite the rampage lately, eh? Are we all sufficiently depressed and morose? NO? Well, OUTSTANDING, because before we leave this topic for GOOD, THANK-YA JESUS, I want to talk about the flickers. I think it's clear that I know and love many people who fall into this category. They are not The Bad Guy, and the flickees are not The Good Guy, although it's easy to fall into that martyr role and use it to rationalize all kinds of behavior (JON GOSSELIN).
I make fun of myself for this all the time, but the truth is that I'm attracted to the flicker personality type, and always have been. Most flickers I know are very charismatic, and outgoing, and sarcastic, and funny. I appreciate all of those things. I'm sarcastic myself, and enjoy the back-and-forth of teasing/witty banter. As a result, I have a very high tolerance for noogies/nose tweaks, which do not feel like flicks and do not rapidly accumulate, TO ME.
Since I've never been a flicker myself, I hesitate to speak completely out of my ass on their characteristics. But I will. Heh. In this case, I want to make it clear that I'm thinking mostly of my dad and my ex-husband, the two flickers with whom I have the closest relationships.
Jovial personality, especially surface-level: Acquaintances, or people who do not know flickers well, get the impression that they are incredibly friendly, and nice. They are charismatic. But the closer you are to a flicker, the worse they treat you. They also treat you better around others than they do when you're alone. This drives me NUTS about both my dad, and my ex. When people first meet them, they cannot stop raving about what great guys they both are. This makes it hard to speak up about the flicking, because it's shocking, and makes the flickee look hyper-sensitive and ungrateful, unless the person is very close to the flicker.
Grass-is-greener mentality: Nothing is ever good enough for the flicker. They are never where they want to be in their lives. If they only had X, things would be so much better. They may be job-hoppers, or move often, or frequently join and quit activities.
Authority/Chain-of-Command issues: Flickers always Know Best. They think they are smarter than their superiors, and that they could do things better, if only they were in charge. It is Their Way, or the Highway. They may have problems at work, but only with the people above them. If they ARE in charge, they thrive. They enjoy being supervisors, and are well-liked by their employees. Their subordinates feel that the flicker goes to bat for them with higher-ups.
See themselves as merely "honest": The flicker feels that if a flick is based in truth, then it is not really a flick. The flicker is "just being honest", and anyone who cannot handle that is weak and delusional. They feel if you are their spouse/child/friend, that they should be able to "tell you anything". My ex and I went round and round about this. He felt that he should be able to say anything he liked to me, whereas I felt, and still feel, that there are some things you should NEVER say to ANYONE, EVER. I don't care how "close" or "open and honest" you are trying to be. Um, wait. Was this about me? Ooopsie.
Highly capable: Bar none, the best thing about being in a relationship with a flicker. Flickers get things done, and get what they want, because they don't stop until they do. They will take it as far as needed. They are hard workers and rarely lazy. While it often embarrassed me, I always knew my ex would get a satisfactory outcome in any customer service situation, or large purchase, or negotiation.
So. There's that. Reading this back, I realize my tone is significantly more negative in this post, but I never claimed to be unbiased. I do not understand the flicker mentality, and never will. I have NONE of these characteristics. It's also interesting to note that I am NOT willing to put up with flicking from women, or in any relationship other than a romantic one. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
In the interest of fairness, I also want to be clear that my ex-husband does not (yet) flick our daughter. He is an excellent parent, and has a completely different standard for his behavior around her. In fact, this is one of the things that made my decision to leave so clear. He is clearly capable of choosing NOT to flick, he just didn't bother to apply that to ME.
Some of you have also asked whether I think he is sorry, or will change. I know he is sorry. Up until the day before our divorce was final, he was willing to call it off. HOWEVER. While I absolutely, 100% believe that flickers can choose not to flick, I don't believe HE will ever permanently make that choice. He STILL tries to flick me, even though we are not married anymore.
I will say that, unlike him, I have never, not even for ONE SECOND, regretted my decision. One of MY worst flicks, which I am not proud of, BTW, was when I told my ex that "it would take me about TWO SECONDS to find someone who treats me better than you!".
Turns out that was true. Uh, not that truth is a defense. See above. What, you thought I was all INNOCENT and shit?
WRONG. I'm a total disaster. That's, like, the THEME of this blog. And every blog. Well, every blog that *I* want to read, anyway.
GOD BLESS THE INTERNETS, THE END.
xoxo
I make fun of myself for this all the time, but the truth is that I'm attracted to the flicker personality type, and always have been. Most flickers I know are very charismatic, and outgoing, and sarcastic, and funny. I appreciate all of those things. I'm sarcastic myself, and enjoy the back-and-forth of teasing/witty banter. As a result, I have a very high tolerance for noogies/nose tweaks, which do not feel like flicks and do not rapidly accumulate, TO ME.
Since I've never been a flicker myself, I hesitate to speak completely out of my ass on their characteristics. But I will. Heh. In this case, I want to make it clear that I'm thinking mostly of my dad and my ex-husband, the two flickers with whom I have the closest relationships.
Jovial personality, especially surface-level: Acquaintances, or people who do not know flickers well, get the impression that they are incredibly friendly, and nice. They are charismatic. But the closer you are to a flicker, the worse they treat you. They also treat you better around others than they do when you're alone. This drives me NUTS about both my dad, and my ex. When people first meet them, they cannot stop raving about what great guys they both are. This makes it hard to speak up about the flicking, because it's shocking, and makes the flickee look hyper-sensitive and ungrateful, unless the person is very close to the flicker.
Grass-is-greener mentality: Nothing is ever good enough for the flicker. They are never where they want to be in their lives. If they only had X, things would be so much better. They may be job-hoppers, or move often, or frequently join and quit activities.
Authority/Chain-of-Command issues: Flickers always Know Best. They think they are smarter than their superiors, and that they could do things better, if only they were in charge. It is Their Way, or the Highway. They may have problems at work, but only with the people above them. If they ARE in charge, they thrive. They enjoy being supervisors, and are well-liked by their employees. Their subordinates feel that the flicker goes to bat for them with higher-ups.
See themselves as merely "honest": The flicker feels that if a flick is based in truth, then it is not really a flick. The flicker is "just being honest", and anyone who cannot handle that is weak and delusional. They feel if you are their spouse/child/friend, that they should be able to "tell you anything". My ex and I went round and round about this. He felt that he should be able to say anything he liked to me, whereas I felt, and still feel, that there are some things you should NEVER say to ANYONE, EVER. I don't care how "close" or "open and honest" you are trying to be. Um, wait. Was this about me? Ooopsie.
Highly capable: Bar none, the best thing about being in a relationship with a flicker. Flickers get things done, and get what they want, because they don't stop until they do. They will take it as far as needed. They are hard workers and rarely lazy. While it often embarrassed me, I always knew my ex would get a satisfactory outcome in any customer service situation, or large purchase, or negotiation.
So. There's that. Reading this back, I realize my tone is significantly more negative in this post, but I never claimed to be unbiased. I do not understand the flicker mentality, and never will. I have NONE of these characteristics. It's also interesting to note that I am NOT willing to put up with flicking from women, or in any relationship other than a romantic one. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
In the interest of fairness, I also want to be clear that my ex-husband does not (yet) flick our daughter. He is an excellent parent, and has a completely different standard for his behavior around her. In fact, this is one of the things that made my decision to leave so clear. He is clearly capable of choosing NOT to flick, he just didn't bother to apply that to ME.
Some of you have also asked whether I think he is sorry, or will change. I know he is sorry. Up until the day before our divorce was final, he was willing to call it off. HOWEVER. While I absolutely, 100% believe that flickers can choose not to flick, I don't believe HE will ever permanently make that choice. He STILL tries to flick me, even though we are not married anymore.
I will say that, unlike him, I have never, not even for ONE SECOND, regretted my decision. One of MY worst flicks, which I am not proud of, BTW, was when I told my ex that "it would take me about TWO SECONDS to find someone who treats me better than you!".
Turns out that was true. Uh, not that truth is a defense. See above. What, you thought I was all INNOCENT and shit?
WRONG. I'm a total disaster. That's, like, the THEME of this blog. And every blog. Well, every blog that *I* want to read, anyway.
GOD BLESS THE INTERNETS, THE END.
xoxo
Friday, July 3, 2009
I ALSO hate the word "noogie," just FYI
So. The flickees. What the fuck, right? What kind of spineless, self-loathing doormat puts up with that kind of shit? First, let's just agree right at the start that I am flamingly biased, and, like most flickees, probably borderline defensive and definitely full of weak rationalizations on this topic. Not that it will stop me from ranting, obv. God bless the internets, home of unfair and unbalanced reporting. As always, I speak only for myself, and for 2 or 3 good friends who have shared their experiences. And for my mother (ALSO a flickee, at the hands of my dad)(DUN DUN DUN). So, at most, a sample size of 5 people, both women and men. Kay? Kay.
I have no idea what, if anything, it means, but here are some characteristics we all share:
Extreme relationship role models-Interestingly, either positive OR negative. I myself had basically NO (romantic) relationship role model, as I am a child of divorce, my parents divorced when I was very young, and my custodial parent never remarried or even openly dated. Others in the group had parents with flicker/flickee dynamics, OR parents with "ideal" or "soulmate"- type relationships that, in the flickee's eyes, had a low chance of ever being duplicated.
Desire to be perceived as resilient, aka Stiff Upper Lip-Lord knows I have this in spades, and so do the rest of the people in my sample. We like to think we can handle whatever life dishes out at us, without complaint. We don't want to dwell on bad things, and we don't want others to see us vulnerable, or in need of help.
Above-average levels of empathy/tolerance for others-Without exception, every one of the people I'm thinking of is the type of person you feel you can tell anything. We don't tend to judge. Nothing shocks us. We have a strong belief that there are two sides to every story, and that people are inherently good.
Varying degrees of Savior Complex-Sort of related to the above. I myself had(ve?) a raging case of this. My ex had a very rough life before he met me, and I told him repeatedly that I would never leave him, that I would be someone he could count on in his life, that I would be the one person who never fucked him over. I really meant that at the time and still feel residual guilt over this. TRUE STORY. I told you it was fucked up.
You'll notice that "super laid-back" or "meek" or "total doormat" is not listed. Over half of the people in my sample have what I would consider "assertive" personalities. You would never in a million years imagine that they would put up with flicking.
So, yeah. I don't know what any of this means. There are ALSO plenty of people who have these characteristics who DON'T end up flickees. I think the rest is just bad luck, or circumstance, or meeting the wrong person at the wrong time in your life.
I think most flickees would also agree that it sneaks up on you. The flicking isn't constant. It might be very infrequent, or happen only under stress, or it may be interspersed with more manageable noogies/nose tweaks. When my ex and I weren't fighting, we had a great time together. We had a lot in common, spent almost all of our non-work time together, and shared many common interests.
My Done Being Flicked moment was something very minor, relatively speaking. In fact, it was more of a noogie/nose tweak. I always knew I could leave with relative ease, and in fact it WAS easy to leave, compared to what most people face. I'm educated, I have a well-paying job, and I'm still young. I don't think I have low self-esteem, and I don't worry about surviving on my own, or not finding someone else, or any of that. I never did. It was never about that. The thing is, all of the flickee characteristics listed above are things I like about myself. In my mind, I was acting like the kind of person I wanted to be. Taking the high road. All of that. I hold myself responsible for getting into the situation, but I'm proud of the way I acted in my marriage, and that's Gawds Honest Truth.
And these days, I know that if I'm ever flicked by anyone again, it's only going to happen once. So HELL YEAH, I feel giddy, and "excited" and "only 31". Wouldn't you?
I have no idea what, if anything, it means, but here are some characteristics we all share:
Extreme relationship role models-Interestingly, either positive OR negative. I myself had basically NO (romantic) relationship role model, as I am a child of divorce, my parents divorced when I was very young, and my custodial parent never remarried or even openly dated. Others in the group had parents with flicker/flickee dynamics, OR parents with "ideal" or "soulmate"- type relationships that, in the flickee's eyes, had a low chance of ever being duplicated.
Desire to be perceived as resilient, aka Stiff Upper Lip-Lord knows I have this in spades, and so do the rest of the people in my sample. We like to think we can handle whatever life dishes out at us, without complaint. We don't want to dwell on bad things, and we don't want others to see us vulnerable, or in need of help.
Above-average levels of empathy/tolerance for others-Without exception, every one of the people I'm thinking of is the type of person you feel you can tell anything. We don't tend to judge. Nothing shocks us. We have a strong belief that there are two sides to every story, and that people are inherently good.
Varying degrees of Savior Complex-Sort of related to the above. I myself had(ve?) a raging case of this. My ex had a very rough life before he met me, and I told him repeatedly that I would never leave him, that I would be someone he could count on in his life, that I would be the one person who never fucked him over. I really meant that at the time and still feel residual guilt over this. TRUE STORY. I told you it was fucked up.
You'll notice that "super laid-back" or "meek" or "total doormat" is not listed. Over half of the people in my sample have what I would consider "assertive" personalities. You would never in a million years imagine that they would put up with flicking.
So, yeah. I don't know what any of this means. There are ALSO plenty of people who have these characteristics who DON'T end up flickees. I think the rest is just bad luck, or circumstance, or meeting the wrong person at the wrong time in your life.
I think most flickees would also agree that it sneaks up on you. The flicking isn't constant. It might be very infrequent, or happen only under stress, or it may be interspersed with more manageable noogies/nose tweaks. When my ex and I weren't fighting, we had a great time together. We had a lot in common, spent almost all of our non-work time together, and shared many common interests.
My Done Being Flicked moment was something very minor, relatively speaking. In fact, it was more of a noogie/nose tweak. I always knew I could leave with relative ease, and in fact it WAS easy to leave, compared to what most people face. I'm educated, I have a well-paying job, and I'm still young. I don't think I have low self-esteem, and I don't worry about surviving on my own, or not finding someone else, or any of that. I never did. It was never about that. The thing is, all of the flickee characteristics listed above are things I like about myself. In my mind, I was acting like the kind of person I wanted to be. Taking the high road. All of that. I hold myself responsible for getting into the situation, but I'm proud of the way I acted in my marriage, and that's Gawds Honest Truth.
And these days, I know that if I'm ever flicked by anyone again, it's only going to happen once. So HELL YEAH, I feel giddy, and "excited" and "only 31". Wouldn't you?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Fun Fact: I actually HATE the word "flick"
Thank you guys for all the amazing comments yesterday. I especially enjoyed the comments from the admitted flickers, who SO TOTALLY know who they are and you will never convince me otherwise.
I think there may be some confusion as to what I would consider a proper "flick". A forehead flick is pretty egregious, if you think about it. It comes on suddenly, and hits the flickee in a known sensitive area. It's meant to sting, and to humiliate. It's based in contempt and dominance over the flickee. I think those of you who are wondering if you might be flickers are thinking less of proper flicks and more of noogies or nose tweaks, which are...different. You know? SHALL I OVERDO THE HORSEPLAY/THREE STOOGES SHIT A LITTLE MORE? Gah.
Totally hypothetical(ish) examples:
Flick: You are a fucking idiot! I act like I think I'm smarter than you because I AM smarter than you!
Noogie: You know what, babe? You can be really dumb, for a smart person.
Flick: How many times have I shown you how to upload pictures from the camera? No, HOW MANY TIMES? I'm not showing you again until you give me an exact number!
Noogie: Seriously? Again? Have you recently suffered a minor brain injury? *SIGH*. Fine.
Do you see the difference? Not that I would know, relationship trainwreck that I am, but noogies are the stuff of everyday relationships. Maybe the tone could be better, maybe the words could be chosen differently, but it's not an out-and-out ATTACK. There's at least an ATTEMPT to soften the blow with humor, or a pet name, or whatever.
Here is something else I want to say about flicking, and even noogies/nose tweaks when it comes right down to it: flicking is a choice. It's not a personality trait, or a regional difference, or "just the way someone is". And here's another newsflash: NOT EVERYONE FLICKS. True story. I KNOW. I'm as surprised as you are.
Tomorrow: the flickees. Now THOSE fuckers have issues.
I think there may be some confusion as to what I would consider a proper "flick". A forehead flick is pretty egregious, if you think about it. It comes on suddenly, and hits the flickee in a known sensitive area. It's meant to sting, and to humiliate. It's based in contempt and dominance over the flickee. I think those of you who are wondering if you might be flickers are thinking less of proper flicks and more of noogies or nose tweaks, which are...different. You know? SHALL I OVERDO THE HORSEPLAY/THREE STOOGES SHIT A LITTLE MORE? Gah.
Totally hypothetical(ish) examples:
Flick: You are a fucking idiot! I act like I think I'm smarter than you because I AM smarter than you!
Noogie: You know what, babe? You can be really dumb, for a smart person.
Flick: How many times have I shown you how to upload pictures from the camera? No, HOW MANY TIMES? I'm not showing you again until you give me an exact number!
Noogie: Seriously? Again? Have you recently suffered a minor brain injury? *SIGH*. Fine.
Do you see the difference? Not that I would know, relationship trainwreck that I am, but noogies are the stuff of everyday relationships. Maybe the tone could be better, maybe the words could be chosen differently, but it's not an out-and-out ATTACK. There's at least an ATTEMPT to soften the blow with humor, or a pet name, or whatever.
Here is something else I want to say about flicking, and even noogies/nose tweaks when it comes right down to it: flicking is a choice. It's not a personality trait, or a regional difference, or "just the way someone is". And here's another newsflash: NOT EVERYONE FLICKS. True story. I KNOW. I'm as surprised as you are.
Tomorrow: the flickees. Now THOSE fuckers have issues.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Jon and Kate! Yeah, I went there!
While I was going through the Great Dental Clusterfuck of Aught Nine, I had occasion to catch up on my shitty television. Including, OBV, Jon and Kate Plus Eight.
Most of you know that I've long been a fan of the show, for the same reason as most others, I suspect: schadenfreude. But obviously their current situation hits pretty close to home for me. I found the show and interviews with Jon and Kate to be sad, but not unwatchable, or overwhelmingly depressing.
It's probably no surprise that I relate intensely to Jon. Most blogs and news stories I've read have been critical of his demeanor, and the seemingly cavalier or even giddy reaction he's having to the situation. But I get it. I SO TOTALLY get it.
I've often compared being married to my ex-husband to being regularly flicked in the forehead, over and over, for years at a time. It's tolerable at first. A little annoying, but mostly funny. I mean, come on! It's just a forehead flick! Lighten up! Don't be so sensitive! But eventually the flicking starts to wear you down. It's not funny, or cute anymore. It's embarrassing, and humiliating, and degrading. You can't believe you're allowing yourself to be flicked regularly, but now the flicker feels entitled to it. You start to get flinchy. You're angry all of the time, thinking about the last flick, and dreading the next one. Every now and again, you start to flick back, even though flicking is not in your essential nature.
And then, one day? You're just Done Being Flicked. No more. You might roar "STOP!" or you might just quietly decide, but you know for a fact that, one way or another, you are Done Being Flicked. And when that day comes, you DO feel giddy. You're on cloud fucking nine, and you can't believe you didn't do it sooner.
While I feel sadness and sympathy for them both, by experience I can only relate to Jon. Kate is a flicker. Jon is Done Being Flicked. In her interviews, I see the same reactions that my ex-husband had: shock, numbness, hurt, confusion. What the HELL? That last flick wasn't even that BAD! Everyone flicks from time to time! You are acting like a crazy person! If only you had COMMUNICATED your lack of enthusiasm for the flicking!
Here's the thing: Most flickers know they flick. My ex-husband knows. Kate knows. You can see it in her face. She looks devastated, and he doesn't, because at this point, the flicker has not yet processed the situation the way the flickee has. The day I decided I was Done Being Flicked, I moved the weight of grieving our marriage from my shoulders, to his. I have no doubt that Jon has done his time emotionally, and I guess that's why I judge him less harshly than others seem to.
Uh, not that he isn't a raging pussy and general all-around Hot Mess, because he totally is. But who isn't. THE END.
PS-Remind me to ALSO grace you with my Deep Thoughts on that 16 and Pregnant show on MTV. OMFG.
Most of you know that I've long been a fan of the show, for the same reason as most others, I suspect: schadenfreude. But obviously their current situation hits pretty close to home for me. I found the show and interviews with Jon and Kate to be sad, but not unwatchable, or overwhelmingly depressing.
It's probably no surprise that I relate intensely to Jon. Most blogs and news stories I've read have been critical of his demeanor, and the seemingly cavalier or even giddy reaction he's having to the situation. But I get it. I SO TOTALLY get it.
I've often compared being married to my ex-husband to being regularly flicked in the forehead, over and over, for years at a time. It's tolerable at first. A little annoying, but mostly funny. I mean, come on! It's just a forehead flick! Lighten up! Don't be so sensitive! But eventually the flicking starts to wear you down. It's not funny, or cute anymore. It's embarrassing, and humiliating, and degrading. You can't believe you're allowing yourself to be flicked regularly, but now the flicker feels entitled to it. You start to get flinchy. You're angry all of the time, thinking about the last flick, and dreading the next one. Every now and again, you start to flick back, even though flicking is not in your essential nature.
And then, one day? You're just Done Being Flicked. No more. You might roar "STOP!" or you might just quietly decide, but you know for a fact that, one way or another, you are Done Being Flicked. And when that day comes, you DO feel giddy. You're on cloud fucking nine, and you can't believe you didn't do it sooner.
While I feel sadness and sympathy for them both, by experience I can only relate to Jon. Kate is a flicker. Jon is Done Being Flicked. In her interviews, I see the same reactions that my ex-husband had: shock, numbness, hurt, confusion. What the HELL? That last flick wasn't even that BAD! Everyone flicks from time to time! You are acting like a crazy person! If only you had COMMUNICATED your lack of enthusiasm for the flicking!
Here's the thing: Most flickers know they flick. My ex-husband knows. Kate knows. You can see it in her face. She looks devastated, and he doesn't, because at this point, the flicker has not yet processed the situation the way the flickee has. The day I decided I was Done Being Flicked, I moved the weight of grieving our marriage from my shoulders, to his. I have no doubt that Jon has done his time emotionally, and I guess that's why I judge him less harshly than others seem to.
Uh, not that he isn't a raging pussy and general all-around Hot Mess, because he totally is. But who isn't. THE END.
PS-Remind me to ALSO grace you with my Deep Thoughts on that 16 and Pregnant show on MTV. OMFG.
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