Man, I'm on quite the rampage lately, eh? Are we all sufficiently depressed and morose? NO? Well, OUTSTANDING, because before we leave this topic for GOOD, THANK-YA JESUS, I want to talk about the flickers. I think it's clear that I know and love many people who fall into this category. They are not The Bad Guy, and the flickees are not The Good Guy, although it's easy to fall into that martyr role and use it to rationalize all kinds of behavior (JON GOSSELIN).
I make fun of myself for this all the time, but the truth is that I'm attracted to the flicker personality type, and always have been. Most flickers I know are very charismatic, and outgoing, and sarcastic, and funny. I appreciate all of those things. I'm sarcastic myself, and enjoy the back-and-forth of teasing/witty banter. As a result, I have a very high tolerance for noogies/nose tweaks, which do not feel like flicks and do not rapidly accumulate, TO ME.
Since I've never been a flicker myself, I hesitate to speak completely out of my ass on their characteristics. But I will. Heh. In this case, I want to make it clear that I'm thinking mostly of my dad and my ex-husband, the two flickers with whom I have the closest relationships.
Jovial personality, especially surface-level: Acquaintances, or people who do not know flickers well, get the impression that they are incredibly friendly, and nice. They are charismatic. But the closer you are to a flicker, the worse they treat you. They also treat you better around others than they do when you're alone. This drives me NUTS about both my dad, and my ex. When people first meet them, they cannot stop raving about what great guys they both are. This makes it hard to speak up about the flicking, because it's shocking, and makes the flickee look hyper-sensitive and ungrateful, unless the person is very close to the flicker.
Grass-is-greener mentality: Nothing is ever good enough for the flicker. They are never where they want to be in their lives. If they only had X, things would be so much better. They may be job-hoppers, or move often, or frequently join and quit activities.
Authority/Chain-of-Command issues: Flickers always Know Best. They think they are smarter than their superiors, and that they could do things better, if only they were in charge. It is Their Way, or the Highway. They may have problems at work, but only with the people above them. If they ARE in charge, they thrive. They enjoy being supervisors, and are well-liked by their employees. Their subordinates feel that the flicker goes to bat for them with higher-ups.
See themselves as merely "honest": The flicker feels that if a flick is based in truth, then it is not really a flick. The flicker is "just being honest", and anyone who cannot handle that is weak and delusional. They feel if you are their spouse/child/friend, that they should be able to "tell you anything". My ex and I went round and round about this. He felt that he should be able to say anything he liked to me, whereas I felt, and still feel, that there are some things you should NEVER say to ANYONE, EVER. I don't care how "close" or "open and honest" you are trying to be. Um, wait. Was this about me? Ooopsie.
Highly capable: Bar none, the best thing about being in a relationship with a flicker. Flickers get things done, and get what they want, because they don't stop until they do. They will take it as far as needed. They are hard workers and rarely lazy. While it often embarrassed me, I always knew my ex would get a satisfactory outcome in any customer service situation, or large purchase, or negotiation.
So. There's that. Reading this back, I realize my tone is significantly more negative in this post, but I never claimed to be unbiased. I do not understand the flicker mentality, and never will. I have NONE of these characteristics. It's also interesting to note that I am NOT willing to put up with flicking from women, or in any relationship other than a romantic one. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
In the interest of fairness, I also want to be clear that my ex-husband does not (yet) flick our daughter. He is an excellent parent, and has a completely different standard for his behavior around her. In fact, this is one of the things that made my decision to leave so clear. He is clearly capable of choosing NOT to flick, he just didn't bother to apply that to ME.
Some of you have also asked whether I think he is sorry, or will change. I know he is sorry. Up until the day before our divorce was final, he was willing to call it off. HOWEVER. While I absolutely, 100% believe that flickers can choose not to flick, I don't believe HE will ever permanently make that choice. He STILL tries to flick me, even though we are not married anymore.
I will say that, unlike him, I have never, not even for ONE SECOND, regretted my decision. One of MY worst flicks, which I am not proud of, BTW, was when I told my ex that "it would take me about TWO SECONDS to find someone who treats me better than you!".
Turns out that was true. Uh, not that truth is a defense. See above. What, you thought I was all INNOCENT and shit?
WRONG. I'm a total disaster. That's, like, the THEME of this blog. And every blog. Well, every blog that *I* want to read, anyway.
GOD BLESS THE INTERNETS, THE END.
xoxo
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34 comments:
My Dad is a flicker, too. Not a CAPITAL F flicker but kind of an intense nose-tweaker.
I dated a few but I'm glad that I avoided the pitfalls inherent in legally marrying one.
I don't find these posts depressing at all, I am IMPRESSED, though, at your level of candor and you know, SHARING.
heh.
I KNOW. Gawd. The SHARING. I'm surprised I haven't broken out in HIVES.
Wow. I have read these posts with an ever-increasing interest, because my dad and several guys I dated in the past were MAJOR flickers. The capital-F sort. I am totally interested that your ex chooses to turn it off around your daughter; that's a skill a lot of them don't seem to have aquired.
I don't really know what to say, except that you have NAILED IT.
While it is clear that flickers and flickees both share some blame in allowing a relationship to get to a certain point, and in justifying certain actions, it makes PERFECT SENSE that this post is more negative than the other one, and it SHOULD be that way.
you rule.
this writing it down, explaining it, processing it is all part of the process of dealing, healing, and moving on. it's healthy to define things, and make choices that are good for you.
i left an entire family of flickers, and have found that there is a whole wide world of nice people who do not flick out there.
will i ever write about my experience the way you can? nope. i'm a chicken. instead i strain to see the beauty where i am at now. i never go back.
thanks for putting it into words. your perspective rings true here.
Man, these posts are SPOT ON. I find myself nodding along to everything, muttering, "Yes, yes, yes."
I think the part that drives me the craziest is when the Flicker is charming to everyone else but you (meaning me). HATE.
Also: that they feel they can say anything because "it's true." ARGH.
And the fact that they don't want to improve their behavior unless X, Y and Z happens first (placing blame everywhere else but with themselves).
And that they cannot be reasoned with, and arguing rationally with them only spurs them on because they thrive on confrontation.
OK, I gotta go before I get all worked up and punch someone in the face. :)
Good talk!
It's been so interesting to read these posts and this one in particular makes me realize one of my good friends is a total Flicker! We're not nearly as close as we used to be because I got tired of her constant
"suggestions" for everything and how her way was always the best way.
But you're right, for some reason I find women who flick to be much more annoying and less tolerable. But there have been plenty of guys and I simply made excuses.
Maybe you should consider writing a self-help book! :)
Interesting. I would never, ever, ever be in a romantic relationship with a flicker, but as I mentioned before, I have been in friendships with flickers.
Based on the flickers I know, I think there are some flickers who can be good spouses if they date/marry someone who stands up to the flicking right away. But I think there are some flickers who won't change and will always insist that the problem is OTHERS, not THEM.
The divorce is finally final? Yay!
So your dad is a flicker? And he doesn't flick you? Or does he?
I hate to tell you, and I hope I'm wrong about this, but I think he will eventually flick Ava. If only in the grass is always greener/perfectionist way. One time I got a 99 for the YEAR in a class, and was all proud to tell my parents, and my father was FURIOUS that I didn't get a hundred. Like carried on about how lazy I was all summer. Shudder. From what you've said, I can see him doing that. Again, hope I'm wrong.
You are not an evil person for saying what you said to Carlos. Yes, it was mean, BUT, you owned up to it which most flicker/narcissists can never do. Kate Gosselin for example. One of those clip shows where they showed her screeching pretty much the entire show, and she still found a way to say she was totally justified.
Also, Tess, you bore up well in that marriage, because when I was reading MWT, I just knew that Carlos would be exhausting to live with.
I recently stumbled upon your blog and some force must have brought me here. I am going through exactly what you are describing. For the past year (we've been together 10 years) my husband has been expressing everything that's wrong with me and even emailed me a few times in detail. He is always later mortified (after he realizes how much he hurt me) and extremely sorry and that he loves me so much, blah blah blah. We've discussed why he's trying to mentally beat me down & that it's verbal abuse and how I can't just let it go anymore. But it always comes down to how I need to be.
You didn't mention how it affected you guys as a family relationship. We have a 2 year old, and although I know my husband loves him very much, sometimes he just wants us to go do something so he can have some breathing room to himself. I never get any breathing room to myself, nor do I feel the need to have it. I could be misunderstanding this one though, our son adores my husband and literally will follow him around when he's trying to get stuff done.
Boy, you hit the highly capable part. This past year he has achieved his all career high. We've worked so hard to get him to this place, but it's being tarnished the way he has been behaving towards me. I can't take on his burden of worry without losing part of my life.
P&D-so true about wanting X,Y,&Z to change before they change their behavior. GOOD ONE.
TLA-I do worry about Ava, but also hold out hope that he will not flick her. My dad is a flicker, but he doesn't flick my sister and me. Then again, I would shut him immediately down if he did. And I have called him out on flicking my stepmom. But then again, he was not my custodial parent, so, sad as it sounds, maybe we are not "close" enough for proper flicking. Dunno.
I'm so glad you're back with your wonderful insights and unique and charming sense of humor!
Although it's been years since I've had my own romance with a Flicker-type, I completely relate from having had one early, exhausting experience. However, in reading this posting, I had a eureka moment and can now articulate to myself just what it is that troubles me about a girlfriend I've traveled with a few times. I've always come back from those vacations wondering why in the hell I went against my better judgement and assumed she'd not be an asshole the next time around. She embodies every characteristic you described.
You are so awesome....the sharing..dude gives me nervous tummy just thinking about it...and you candor. LOVES EWE!
Wow - those personality traits really describe my husband. I really see it in the Highly Capable/Grass-is-greener areas, but he is a little from each area. He's more of a noogie-er though, which I can totally deal with.
Came back to read other comments and also to explain my earlier one. I just think it's interesting that I wouldn't date a flicker but I would be friends with a flicker, while you're the opposite. And I thought it was interesting that I've seen two flickers change, and to me it seemed like the reason they changed was that in both cases, their girlfriends at the very beginning said something like, "If you ever do something like that again, I'm out of here." But I know that wouldn't stop/affect many other flickers.
Ok, I'm going to stop trying to explain myself. I just worried that my first comment looked kind of judgmental, when it wasn't meant to be.
You know, I have not gotten ONE comment on this whole Barfy Feelings-Fest that I considered judgmental. Isn't that WEIRD? I keep waiting for someone to ream my ass for Homewrecking or whatevs. Ah well. The day is young.
Holy Shit, Tess. You hit that SPOT ON. My ex is a flicker and your description is HIM 100%. Jesus Christ, you could open up your own hotline or TV talk show or something! (ahem)!
I think the reasons you have not gotten called out on being judgmental is that: (a) who can read ya and not love ya; and (b) you're talking about your own life, and therefore are entitled to judge it how you see fit.
Fine, I'll call you a Homewrecker if you like. Homewrecker!
Even though you are more of a Maneater.
(PSA: That was not a noogie so much as an elbow to the ribs. Just for clarity's sake)
i don't think i work well with flickers... i can't think of anyone close to me who flicks. well actually, that's not true. i certainly know flickers, but they don't flick ME. maybe it's like -R- said, and i am able to stop their flickage from the get go? or hah, maybe they're flicking me too and i don't notice / care. if the flicker doesn't notice the flicking, is it still bad? ;-P
I am so enjoying this whole series on flicking. I am rapt with attention. Speak on!
Also, ha! That the general theme of all blogs is what a wreck we are. Pretty true. At least, true of the INTERESTING blogs.
Alice-you know, I think an important take-away (UGG! Hello barfy corporate-speak!) is that, when it comes to flicking, perception is reality. If you don't mind, it's not a flick. If it FEELS like a flick to you, then it is, even if the flicker would classify it as a noogie/nose tweak.
Take, for example, the "think it through, FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD" thing. My ex used to say that to me all the time. For some people, that's a flick. For me, it's a noogie/nose tweak. I DON'T always think things through, and the way he said it was funny to me, and after a while it became an inside joke, as well as a joke on my blog. Not a biggie.
I don't want this to be the end! I love this series of posts.
But lunch photos are good, too.
Holy shit it has been a while since I did any blog type business. I come over here and you have written a philosophical/psychological treatise. Anyhoo, just wanted to say these posts are thoughtful and thought provoking, witty and great. Thank you, and nice work. You are like a blogging alchemist, creating golden wisdom from the base metal of bad TV.
BTW, does your ex read this blog to your knowledge? Did he read the other one?
He knew about the other blog. I don't know how often he read it, although my guess is not often, since he never mentioned it. Which makes no sense to me, BTW. If my husband/boyfriend had a blog, it would be my fucking HOMEPAGE and I would stalk the comments ON THE REG.
He doesn't know about this one, to my knowledge. Although I wouldn't really care if he found it.
LOVING this. Also, the comments. LOVING.
And re: negativity (is there any way to use re: that doesn't make you sound like a total: dweeb? I think not)--this didn't come across as negative at all, to me. Just factual. In a kind of personality test way. Maybe since you had someone in mind it felt more negative to you. But I just kept reading it and measuring a new friend of ours whom I suspect of being a flicker (I canNOT stop checking people for flicker-ness, now. I LOVE this new classification tool), going "uh-huh. Yup. DEFINITELY. That one, not so much."
God, I loathe the whole honesty defense to brutal and unnecessary statements.
Geezus, I get, like, a HEAD RUSH reading these.
It didn't come across to me as negative. In fact, I thought it came across as mostly positive: I got a much clearer idea of how people would get INVOLVED with a flicker.
My ex-husband is a flicker and the bit about how you know they'll deal with customer service and come up trumps? Gosh that is right. They can convince anybody that they are in the clear.
Umm, I think I am a flicker. Help. I fit all these personality traits, except I'm a pretty good worker bee. I would more enjoy running the whole thing (for the perks really), but I do pretty well as a worker bee. Okay, I'm planning a 6-step stop being a flicker program for myself. Because really, all of you hate me.
Your sample size just increased - you described my father perfectly, in amazingly accurate detail. Thank you for sharing Tessie.., it's nice to know we're not alone and other people understand. Cue sappy music. :p Looking forward to a Flicker-free future...
14 years of being flicked and yet, you are infinitley more capable of describing my life. You have a gift!
It is possible to learn to live with a flicker. It required some therapy, and some more-than-fabulous friends, and finding a whole new level of my own self esteem to tap into...
That being said, if i would have figured it out sooner, and before I had three children, I probably wouldnt have bothered to learn to deal... I would have found someone who treats me better than he does in about two seconds.
I read all these flicker/flickee posts in reverse order, so at first I was all WTF? But then it made PERFECT SENSE. My ex is also a flicker and I apparently am a flickee. Though frankly flicker is just a nice way of saying ASSHOLE, at least in my ex's case. He also never flicked our daughter UNTIL a couple weeks ago (we've been divorced for 13 years, she is 15), when she didn't do exactly what he wanted her to do when he wanted her to do it and the way he wanted her to do it. You know, typical teenage behavior, but he handled it like a spoiled teenager himself, so instead of spending half the summer with him, she was only willing to stay until I was passing back through so I could pick her up. Now I have to intervene in their relationship, because damn it, the child support is three months late.
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