Thank you guys for all the amazing comments yesterday. I especially enjoyed the comments from the admitted flickers, who SO TOTALLY know who they are and you will never convince me otherwise.
I think there may be some confusion as to what I would consider a proper "flick". A forehead flick is pretty egregious, if you think about it. It comes on suddenly, and hits the flickee in a known sensitive area. It's meant to sting, and to humiliate. It's based in contempt and dominance over the flickee. I think those of you who are wondering if you might be flickers are thinking less of proper flicks and more of noogies or nose tweaks, which are...different. You know? SHALL I OVERDO THE HORSEPLAY/THREE STOOGES SHIT A LITTLE MORE? Gah.
Totally hypothetical(ish) examples:
Flick: You are a fucking idiot! I act like I think I'm smarter than you because I AM smarter than you!
Noogie: You know what, babe? You can be really dumb, for a smart person.
Flick: How many times have I shown you how to upload pictures from the camera? No, HOW MANY TIMES? I'm not showing you again until you give me an exact number!
Noogie: Seriously? Again? Have you recently suffered a minor brain injury? *SIGH*. Fine.
Do you see the difference? Not that I would know, relationship trainwreck that I am, but noogies are the stuff of everyday relationships. Maybe the tone could be better, maybe the words could be chosen differently, but it's not an out-and-out ATTACK. There's at least an ATTEMPT to soften the blow with humor, or a pet name, or whatever.
Here is something else I want to say about flicking, and even noogies/nose tweaks when it comes right down to it: flicking is a choice. It's not a personality trait, or a regional difference, or "just the way someone is". And here's another newsflash: NOT EVERYONE FLICKS. True story. I KNOW. I'm as surprised as you are.
Tomorrow: the flickees. Now THOSE fuckers have issues.
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33 comments:
The difference is clear and, as always, you've summed it up perfectly. And I am in shock that you were receiving flicks like that. How horrifying and undeserved. I cannot express how glad I am that you have a man who shows you that not everyone flicks.
Can't wait for the flickee analysis!
I am loving this series of posts and the comments. As Swistle said, they are so thought-provoking. And whoever commented that friendships can be this way, too, sent me off on a whole other train of thought. I cannot believe I will miss tomorrow's post. I'll have to hijack my BIL's computer to read it tomorrow night.
You are right. Being a Flicker is a choice, as is being a Flickee. I am so, so glad you have chosen not to be a Flickee.
I am very, very proud of you. Also? I am so impressed with these last two posts.
i was all wigged out about it yesterday. i even went home last night & asked my husband if he thought i was a "kate." he said no. and by today's definition, i can definitely put myself in the noogie-deliver category. still, i thank you for making us all take a moment to think about it!
You are continuing to absolutely blow my mind with this concept.
Also, very relieved to have examples of flicking.
Oh--but as Anonymous said, even though I can see from the examples that I'm neither Flicker nor Flickee, the CONCEPT of Flickers/Flickees made me completely think over the ENTIRE WAY Paul and I communicate, looking for things I could easily improve so as to avoid the "accumulation" problem that comes even with things that are sub-Noogie-level remarks.
I smell a book deal!
You made it so clear to me why I am not longer speaking to my (former) best friend. I was just done being (passive-aggressively) flicked, noogied, tickled, etc.
The thing is, noogies/nose tweaks are annoying too, and someone can reach the breaking poing on those as well. In THAT case, IMO, it depends much more on the personality of the receiver, and the dynamics of the particular couple. I myself can handle copious noogies/nose tweaks with little problem. But that's me.
Also, some flickers, when confronted, will THINK that they have stopped flicking, when really they have just downgraded to noogie/nose tweak. And then they are shocked/throw up their hands when those begin to add up as well.
I am a noogie/nose tweaker. You have given me a lot to think about.
Those "Flick" examples make me so uneasy. They're just so... mean and disrespectful. It doesn't seem like they're even in the context of being in the middle of a big fight (where you MIGHT be a temporary flicker/flickee), but just in normal, everyday situations. Flickers are bullies. I can't wait for the next installment in the series.
my mind is blown by these last posts. i feel like you've given me so much to think about!
i swear i thought about it all day yesterday. i can't wait for the flickee analysis. I've completely blown off work to keep coming by and rereading the posts and comments.
i also stressed a little about my possible flicker tendencies. i'm glad you cleared it up because i think i'm definitely a noogie/nose tweak giver. but, like swistle, i want to reevaluate all of my communication skills to avoid noogie and nose tweak accumulation problems.
tess = analogy genius
i think lorid hit (another) nail on the head - flickers ARE bullies. and so many bullies don't think they are, they're just "playing around" and it's "your fault" if you take it the wrong way. GAAAAH HATE.
These are such clear examples of...meanness. I find myself sort of speechless at my naivete--like, people really SAY this stuff? To people they care about? Even when they're not mad? Really?
Which puts me on the edge of my seat for tomorrow's post. Because, not having EVER been someone good at rolling with the punches, or being a good sport, etc., I would simply and immediately shrivel up should someone say something like this to me (yes, I am four years old, in fact).
These are totally CLASSIC posts.
Tess, this is freaking genius! Like Swistle said... BOOK DEAL! I am totally thinking I have major flicking tendencies and I need to knock it off, pronto.
Very good summation. I cannot even estimate how much of yesterday I spent thinking about the flicking metaphor. It really made me pause, and realize that I might, shamefully, be a flicker. But I think I'm more of a noogier. Except it still sucks and I don't like being that way. So STOP IT, right? Right. Why is that so hard? I think my husband and I are both noogiers actually. We both noogie as defense.
Fun Fact: Flicking sounds a hell of a lot like verbal abuse.
Totally with Misty. Flicking isn't loving or normal behavior. Ever. I was flicked for three years by a fella before I considered flicking myself off the top of a building, or flicking myself back to the United States to heal and move on with my life. Now that I'm in a flickless relationship, I mourn for those three years. For the scars I still have and for not cutting off at least one of his balls.
My best friend's first husband used to tell her she was "useless" nearly every morning, when she often had a hard time getting out the door on time and would run late. (Because she was doing ALL the prep work on their child, as well. Grr.)
Needless to say, that didn't help her punctuality problem.
Happily, she done left that ass.
I have had the word flick in my head since I read your post yesterday. I was in fear that I might be a flicker. Thanks for clearing it up. I am definitely only a noogie-r.
Three days of posts...yea! You appear to be back in full swing! I love, love, love your examples. B definitely gave me a noogie last night...I was all excited about something I accomplished at work and he said "Ah, my baby is so smart (pause) (more pause) at work." Um, thanks?? :) But you know his personality and he really didn't mean anything by it but it still made me give him the frowny face for a second. Looking forward to the follow up post!
Oooh, ooh! I'm going to throw in another wrinkle. Yesterday I claimed I was a flicker. Really, I think I'm more of a noogier except when I'm really, really angry. The problem is that I thought I was giving noogies, but my husband was taking them as flicks. And that's when the damage was caused.
I'll never forget the day I said something harsh (but funny!) and watched my husband physically diminish before my eyes. It was my reality check on the power of my words. I have worked so hard to change since then, and I have made some great progress, but it does take time. I am trying to change the channels my brain uses, after all.
But I totally, absolutely, 100% agree with you: flicking is a choice.
Courtesy of your post yesterday and my subsequent "oh, shit, I'm a flicker!" revelation, combined with memories of the mister's "stop flicking me" moment, I sat down and talked with him today.
Turns out, I'm not so much a flicker as a noogie-giver (he read the examples above and concurs)and so is he. It's still not an endearing trait for either of us to have, so we both decided to call each other on the noggie-ing and flicking bullshit and try to break each other of the bad habits.
Thanks for making my marriage better!
Great flicking posts! Err...ummm...am I still considered a "flicker" if I **think** instead of **say** the flicks?
I think what its coming down to is that Tess is making all us think about our own relationships whether flicking is involved or not ... I bet we can all stand to be nicer to our "people" and we could all stand for our "people" to be nicer to us:)
wasn't tracy flick that girl from the movie "election"? i hated her. in fact i think i still do.
"pick flick". ummm... no.
great posts. glad your back. i've been thinking about this whole flick thing all day. isn't that weird how your words can do that? powerful...
I just love this analysis of J&K and also of relationships in general.
I'm loving this flicking concept right along with everyone else and have also thought about it a ton. I'm also glad for the clarification, b/c yesterday I was thinking of flicking as being impatient or using an exasperated tone as "flicking". Your examples of flicking are the very definition of verbal abuse, and if said in front of others to humiliate then it's also emotional abuse.
So I am SO relieved that I was not a flicker, but instead just a really stressed out mom.
And this whole flicking concept is GENIUS!
I'm so glad you are blogging again Tess!
Yesterday I was so blown away that someone could make me understand Jon (a little) that I was speechless. I have spent an unhealthy amount of time blaming him.
Now, I'm going to spend the rest of the day wondering where I fall on the Nose Tweak/Noogie/Flick spectrum.
Like everyone else, I've been thinking about this for ages, and I have to say thank you for bringing this up, because it's really made me see how I don't want to be.
My husband and I talked about it and we agreed I am not a flickr, but I used to be dangerously close. And I think I will always have those tendencies. Something to be on guard against. Making someone feel flicked is so awful, it's not something I want to do, no matter how stressed out I am.
Oh, I LOVE examples.
The examples make it all so clear and handy.
I agree that these are awesome posts.
I can definitely see this better in Kate now that you've given examples. It's not enough that she yell at Jon. She needs him to agree with her that what he did was wrong. I love the examples.
You have this uncanny, brilliant way of boiling things down to the simplest, easiest explanation. I'm being flicked, continually, by this man I'm seeing.
I know it. He knows it. YOU obviously know it. :) And you made it so clear and unavoidable that I'm now so annoyed with myself I have to put a stop to it.
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