Our pets' heads are literally falling off. Is how it's going.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Press and hold to hard reset
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
What would you do?
So, things are wicked bad with Carlos. Summer is basically a complete disaster. You know, usually I am very happy with our custody and financial arrangement, which, if I may get technical for a moment, can best be described as "halvsies." We split time with her 50/50, and we split her expenses 50/50 as well. It's worked out great so far, with daycare and full-time school. HOWEVER. The problem with halvsies during the summer is that we actually have to AGREE on the things she is going to do (or not do). Never one of our strong points.
We're now at a point where she is signed up for camp for the whole summer, but only going on "my" days (he's a teacher so is home part of the summer). Also, I am paying for all of these things, because *I* am the one who has to work. Fine. I mean, total, ridiculous clusterfuck, but FINE. It's not about the money to me.
We're also having trouble with scheduling again. My view on scheduling is that our situation has the potential to be a win/win for all parties, as long as there is some flexibility. I'm happy to watch Ava (and even FJ) anytime during "his" days, and I'm also happy to let Ava do things with them on "my" days, especially if it involves seeing family, going on vacation, etc.
The problem, though, comes when I am flexible and he is NOT. Take this weekend, for example. It is Fathers Day weekend, but "my" normal weekend with Ava. Since we have been divorced, we have always done just the "day of" for Mothers Day/Fathers Day, even though technically our custody agreement states we can each have her for the entire weekend. At any rate, I didn't have any reason to believe he would take her for the whole weekend. That's not what *I* did for Mothers Day.
I made plans to take Ava to a resort hotel for the weekend (bringing her back on Fathers Day morning). Carlos knew about it weeks ago. I told Ava about it. Aaaaaand, yesterday he got mad during an argument and told me that he was taking her for the weekend. And he told HER that it was my fault she wasn't going to the resort with me, because "I shouldn't have scheduled it during HIS time."
So. Let's just leave the emotion out of it for the moment, as I am wont to do. What we have here is a Prisoner's Dilemma: Child Custody Edition. If we both cooperate, we both get equal time with Ava. However, if ONE of us cooperates, and the other does not, then the cooperator loses time with her (and the non-cooperator GAINS it).
The problem, then, is the decision to cooperate (where cooperate means being flexible about the schedule) or not (no flexibility, stick to the legal document with absolutely no deviation).
Cooperating feels better to me. It feels like the right thing to do, it's in line with my values, it shows Ava by example the kind of person I want to be and expect her to be. NOT cooperating feels worse, undermines my values, makes me a person I DON'T want to be, but maximizes my time with Ava in an environment where I cannot expect HIM to cooperate.
Which is more important? What would you do?
We're now at a point where she is signed up for camp for the whole summer, but only going on "my" days (he's a teacher so is home part of the summer). Also, I am paying for all of these things, because *I* am the one who has to work. Fine. I mean, total, ridiculous clusterfuck, but FINE. It's not about the money to me.
We're also having trouble with scheduling again. My view on scheduling is that our situation has the potential to be a win/win for all parties, as long as there is some flexibility. I'm happy to watch Ava (and even FJ) anytime during "his" days, and I'm also happy to let Ava do things with them on "my" days, especially if it involves seeing family, going on vacation, etc.
The problem, though, comes when I am flexible and he is NOT. Take this weekend, for example. It is Fathers Day weekend, but "my" normal weekend with Ava. Since we have been divorced, we have always done just the "day of" for Mothers Day/Fathers Day, even though technically our custody agreement states we can each have her for the entire weekend. At any rate, I didn't have any reason to believe he would take her for the whole weekend. That's not what *I* did for Mothers Day.
I made plans to take Ava to a resort hotel for the weekend (bringing her back on Fathers Day morning). Carlos knew about it weeks ago. I told Ava about it. Aaaaaand, yesterday he got mad during an argument and told me that he was taking her for the weekend. And he told HER that it was my fault she wasn't going to the resort with me, because "I shouldn't have scheduled it during HIS time."
So. Let's just leave the emotion out of it for the moment, as I am wont to do. What we have here is a Prisoner's Dilemma: Child Custody Edition. If we both cooperate, we both get equal time with Ava. However, if ONE of us cooperates, and the other does not, then the cooperator loses time with her (and the non-cooperator GAINS it).
The problem, then, is the decision to cooperate (where cooperate means being flexible about the schedule) or not (no flexibility, stick to the legal document with absolutely no deviation).
Cooperating feels better to me. It feels like the right thing to do, it's in line with my values, it shows Ava by example the kind of person I want to be and expect her to be. NOT cooperating feels worse, undermines my values, makes me a person I DON'T want to be, but maximizes my time with Ava in an environment where I cannot expect HIM to cooperate.
Which is more important? What would you do?
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