Nice mood, Tess: health kick edition!

You: So, Tess, how's that health kick thing going?

Me: FUCK OFF! Leave me alone, but only after you bring me another beer!

Erm. So.

I cannot seem to get back into the...GROOVE or whatever on the fitness thing, you guys. I am sucking at heretofore unknown levels of suck. And I know better than to offer any Pathetic Excuses And Rationalizations (PEARS), since I don't even BELIEVE in those re: fitness! So, what is my fucking problem? Bah!

I know I have to Keep Trying! and Not Quit!, which is so cliched and lame it makes me want to DROP KICK something repeatedly, and call THAT a workout. I've left a few comments recently on how I feel like I'm in a boxing ring, being knockedthefuckOUT over and over, and having to get back up for more! THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER? I mean, I'm still in the ring, and I keep throwing punches, but I'm getting a little fucking loopy, you know? Uch. Perhaps what we're really dealing with here is some type of Anger Management issue. GOOSEFRABA!

Anyway, instead of doing the PEAR thing and/or BITCHING, which obviously is not doing SHIT, why don't I turn that frown upside down for once and list some things I DO find helpful! GET READY TO BE MOTIVATED PEOPLE!! (eyeroll)

Helpful(ish) thing 1: I recently heard a twist on the old "climbing a hill" analogy that really stuck with me. We may slide down the hill from time to time, or take a break and stay in place for a while, but that doesn't make the hill any steeper. As long as we are taking SOME kind of step, we will still get to the top. It's the "steeper" thing that really got me. It's the same fucking hill you've climbed before, ya know? It didn't magically morph into Everest just because you had a bad day.

Helpful(ish) thing 2: The older I get, the more I realize the dramatic effect being healthy (as I define it) has on my moods (Exhibit A: THIS FUCKING POST). In fact, Tosc can now recognize when I need to go out for an "attitude adjustment" (his code for a run). Nothing, and I mean NOTHING else works as quickly or consistently.

Helpful(ish) thing 3: My 3-year-old daughter recognizes physical activity as a normal part of daily life, and I want to encourage that. She calls all closed-toed shoes "running shoes". She understands and accepts that mommy and daddy are "at running" the same way she does when we are at work. She asks people in casual or workout clothes if they are going running (uh, actually that can be awk).

So, are we all sufficiently warmed to the cockles and ready to ROCK? Yeah, me neither.

What, you don't block the exit to your office with your workout clothes, so that you are forced to relocate them in some way (preferably TO YOUR BODY) before you leave for lunch?

Bonus unhelpful but funny(ish) story: So, I work in a fitness-y environment, right? And my workplace is spread out over several buildings which cover an entire city block. Anyway, we have this new admin who works in another building, and this morning she DROVE HER CAR over to my building to drop off an envelope. Which is her prerogative, obv, even though the walk is like 300 meters, max. Except at my workplace? Uh, NOT RECOMMENDED. At any rate, I "counseled" her that she should probably not let anyone see her do that here. Heh. Poor girl. Bet she's wishing she went to work at Frito-Lay or some shit.

Fun Fact Friday: Divorce Logistics

*We started out trying to use just one attorney to complete our divorce proceedings. Uh, FAIL.

*I spent over $5,000 in legal fees alone on my divorce. This is not all that unusual, and in fact my attorney told me her usual retainer is $10,000 (I had a good attorney).

*But, you can do it for much less. Or much more. Tosc spent about $2,500, and NotDate spent about $15,000.

*We have joint "custody", but Ava's primary address (for school and such) is wherever I live.

*The flip side is that I am restricted to living within 25 miles of the border of our city.

*Carlos can live wherever he wants, but if he leaves that same area of restriction, then *I* can also leave it without penalty.

*Since we drop off/pick up from daycare, I have never been to the apartment where Carlos lives now.

*We each keep our own stash of clothes, shoes, etc. for Ava. Since she spends equal time with each of us, it works well. The only thing that goes back and forth is her pillow and blankie, which we keep in her school bag. We try to remember to send her back to the other parent in the outfit she came in.

*We split her expenses equally as well. We take turns paying her daycare tuition, and her health insurance. We each keep separate 529 college savings plans for her.

*Carlos and I communicate mostly by text, or email. We haven't spoken on the phone or seen each other in several months.

*The number one piece of advice I would give to people who are divorcing, especially with kids, is this: don't settle for anything "just to get it over with". The desire to finalize the divorce is OVERWHELMING, but if you don't have an agreement you can live with you will be MISERABLE for YEARS.

*I realize this is BORING AS HELL, but there is practically NO anecdotal information on the specifics of joint custody on the internets. Believe me, I HAVE LOOKED. So, PSA. You're welcome.

Another one for my upcoming coffee table book

So, Alice's hilarious post today got me thinking about my own list of, uh...gentlemen callers. Er, of the bedpost notch type. You know, um...conquests (EW). *profuse sweating*

Are you getting my...DRIFT here? (you: OMG YES PLEASE STOP BEFORE I GET AN INVOLUNTARY VISUAL).

First of all, don't even act like you don't have a List, Mother Theresa! Pretty much everyone I KNOW does, even if the Number is in the "no danger of leaving anyone out" range. And this is the Bible Belt! I even have one friend who uses a fucking EXCEL SPREADSHEET (I guess an Access database is not [yet] necessary)!

And if you DON'T have a List, what are you thinking? What if you one day develop crippling dementia, and in the absence of a List are forced to conclude that you are a 75-year old virgin?

This keeps me up at night, you guys, because...I LOST MY LIST. GAH! TRUE FUCKING STORY! Literally! Like I told Alice, I sincerely hope it spontaneously combusted, because otherwise the person who found it is in for a real treat. CHRIST.

And don't even start with me on trying to recreate it, either. It wasn't exactly a high quality historical record to begin with. I think it was more like a paper bar napkin with things like "Whitey" and "Scruffy's Matt" scribbled on it in Sharpie (fun fact: Scruffy's was an incredibly disgusting bar I unfortunately [or FORTUNATELY, if you are Scruffy's Matt] frequented in college).

Bonus funny(ish) story about Scruffy's Matt: I, uh, seriously called him Scruffy's Matt. I mean, not to his face, or anything. I just sort of...never caught his last name, and after the fact, if you don't already know, that ship has sailed, AM I RIGHT?

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I got a Facebook friend request from Matt Hislastnameasitturnsout. And I was in the car with Tosc, all, "WHO THE FUCK IS MATT HISLASTNAME?" And then I immediately friended him, because that's the only way to find OUT, and I was like, "Well, I'll be damned! It's Scruffy's Matt!" And that was the end of THAT convo.

Actually, now that I think of it, maybe I could just start a FACEBOOK FRIEND LIST called "conquests"! Oh, technology. How you enrich my life.

Unpopular Opinions

*I hate facial hair on guys

*I don't have a problem with Disney Princesses, or any other commercial character

*I would rather my let my daughter eat unhealthy food than expose her to valuing foods as "good" or "bad"

*I think flowers are a waste of money

*I hate how the Texas Good Ole Boy culture encourages smart people to act dumb, so they will appear to be more "simple" or "country"

*I prefer the following items packaged as opposed to homemade: mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, stuffing, and cranberry sauce

*I don't understand why so many churches place a focus on getting out of debt. Debt is not a moral or religious issue. One person's Debt is another person's Investment

*Breakfast is totally overrated as "the most important meal of the day". Pfft. Most people would do well to eat LESS often, not MORE