Kinderfuck

So, let's talk some (more) about Kindergarten, shall we?

I know this topic is tiresome, but there are...issues, most of which make me look selfish and/or classist and/or like a giant fucking douchebag, so 'TIS YOUR LUCKY DAY!

We've decided to send Ava to public kindergarten. Yaaaay for civic pride and all that bullshit. We weren't able to find a private kindergarten that we could agree on, is what it boils down to. I'll save you the financial and religious/socioeconomic details. Plus, I would rather Ava be the richest kid in a poor school than the poorest kid in a rich school and YEAH I SAID IT. It's true. However. The issues.

Issue the first: The public school in our neighborhood sucks, at least relative to the other elementary schools in the district. It's the biggest school in the city, it's notorious for discipline problems, and it has a lower...rating, or whatever.

Issue the second: We can request a transfer to another school outside our district, but the process is a NIGHTMARE. It involves basically camping out at the school district with hundreds of other rabid parents who think they're better than their neighbors, and then STILL possibly not getting into the school we want. I mean, if you don't think that bullshit is basically my worst nightmare, then I invite you to report directly to the Remedial Study Group. CHRIST. Plus, we won't know exactly where she will be going until the last minute, so we can't ease her into the the change and all that. Fucking Nervous Tummy to the MAX.

Issue the third, and this one's a doozy: Tosc's ex-wife lives in a crap neighborhood and has informed him that she wants HIS kids to go to school in our district as well (they will all start kindergarten at the same time).

UH.

So, multiply the above issues times THREE, PLUS throw in a little what-to-do-with-identical-twins just for fun, PLUS go ahead and add in an extra wrench, which is the fact that I DON'T WANT AVA GOING TO SAME SCHOOL AS TOSC'S KIDS.

I just don't. I know it's selfish and I know it's not even my fucking decision, and that Tosc and his ex-wife have to do what's best for their kids, but...

I don't want Ava having to constantly compete with or be in the shadow of siblings who are 5 months older and who ALSO happen to be identical twins, and who ALSO happen to be more outgoing/aggressive than she is. I want her to have her own domain, and her own activities and sports teams. I know they could be in separate classes, but...still.

Then there's the uncomfortable fact that trying to transfer THREE kids into a better school is much harder than trying to transfer ONE.

Bleh. Can you even BELIEVE this shit? I mean, the school district is going to be like, "your situation is WHAT NOW?"

Anyway, AS ALWAYS, I control basically nothing about this entire process, and the parts I do control make me look like an asshole. If I were you, I'd get to work sewing THAT shit onto a throw pillow.

Descarrilamiento

Thank you all for your impotent rage yesterday. I'm feeling much better today. Ava and I had lunch at Souper Salad, which is basically a dream come true for your average 4-year-old (breadsticks and ranch! mac 'n cheese! jello! ice cream!)(with side of salad, in theory). Sounds like she had a good weekend, and I'll pick her up tomorrow and have her for the next five days, so there's that.

Couple of things:

*Carlos does not have to talk to me. He doesn't have to answer my messages, even when they're about Ava, and he doesn't have to tell me where she is or let me talk to her when it's "his time". The same goes for me. Yeah, he's a pinehole, but I don't want to unfairly play the victim here or make the situation out to be something it's not. I do try to get extra time with Ava by taking her to lunch, but he does not have to allow it.

*This will get better. It's only a few months before Ava starts kindergarten, and I will know when she is in school and when she's not. Also, soccer will be starting again soon and so I will see her every Saturday, for at least a few hours. Before long, she will be old enough to call me herself or ride her bike to my house if she wants to (we live less than a mile apart, FTLOG)(well within water balloon slingshot range, now that I think of it). And soon enough, she will be an adult who is deeply embarrassed and scarred by the both of us, and none of this will matter. Except in the old "who gets into the better nursing home" competition. Which I will win, due to the widely overlooked "who took child to more lunches when she was 4" clause.

*I recognize that Carlos is under a lot of stress right now, and that I'm probably a convenient outlet for that stress. He lives with a new baby and a new mom, I'm sure he's not sleeping much, and he's probably under a lot of financial stress as well. If things get worse for him, I fully expect him to take that out on me. On the other hand, I remain hopeful that once things calm down, the pendulum could once again swing the other way. At least briefly. Either way, I can handle it.

*I'm not ashamed of the fact that I cried, but I am pissed off, because crying doesn't help me. I'm what Moxie calls a "tension increaser"--I almost always feel WORSE, not BETTER, when I cry, and it's in no way soothing. Which is why I don't do it, if I can help it. And why Tosc thinks I'm quote-unquote HEARTLESS.

Tess pictoral rebuttal:

So, anyhoo. Good talk, as always. Mi trainwreck, es su trainwreck. xo

FTS

So, I just went to pick up Ava for our usual Monday lunch, and she wasn't at school. Sigh. Of course, I didn't know for sure whether she would be there or not, since Carlos won't respond to any of my messages. I could have called the school and asked, but I HATE HATE HATE doing that! It's fucking humiliating. I'm her MOTHER, I should KNOW where she is. I mean, really. So instead I left the daycare, embarrassed and angry and sad, and fucking cried (!!) in the parking lot out of sheer frustration.

This has happened a few times before (not the crying, ftlog, but her not being there on a Monday), when he's been mad at me. I even gave myself a little pep talk, before I left work. "If she's not there, just come back and workout and you will feel better. Try again tomorrow." I guess I WILL try again tomorrow, but I'm going to have to call the fucking school and see if she's there first. And then if she ISN'T, I'll feel like shit all over again and blah de blah second verse same as the first.

I don't know what my point is with this sob story. I realize that this situation has a shelf life. Soon her attendance in school will be MANDATORY, and she will be able to contact me on her own and deal with me separately from her dad.

Maybe she'll be there tomorrow and we can have lunch. Maybe not. Maybe I'll grow richly as a person from this never-ending stream of bullshit.

PFFT.

Stream of...me (EWW)

I just spent, like, an HOUR making out my meal plan for next week. Why does it TAKE so long? Probably because the process mostly consists of me mentally scrolling through the list of the 34987 meat items in my freezer, all "no,...no,...uck! NO! WE HAVE NO FOOD! " and then spending $100 at Costco. Blergg. Tosc did go hog hunting a few weeks back, and we just got the meat back from the processor, so I suppose I will have to work WILD HAM into the rotation. I'm assuming that you can't really screw up HAM, but we shall see. It's WILD! It does as it pleases!

Ava had her first dentist appointment last week. We decided to bring her to an expensive, kids-only dentist (even though she doesn't have dental insurance ARGG ARGG HULKSMASH), in the hopes that she would have a good first experience and we could later transition her to one of the shady, back alley places the rest of us frequent, nefariously stroking our beards all the while. She did fine, the end. Aaand, BOOM. You just wasted a minute of your life on that paragraph.

Carlos and I are not getting along again! HAHAHAHA! Who had January 5th in the "when will it yet again go south" pool? BIG WINNAH! At the moment, he's not talking to me AT ALL, including ignoring several emails and texts I sent him about some daycare stuff and a birthday party I was supposed to take Ava to this weekend (it's his weekend). Bee tee dubs, can I just tell you what I LOVE? The people who are all, "I wouldn't put up with that shit! He knows he can walk all over you! The next time he texts, I would ignore him right back!" O RILLY? And how, exactly, does that further my purpose? YOU wouldn't put up with his shit? Well, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO? I guess I will just PURGE HIM FROM MY LIFE and go on about my business! OH WAIT. Jesus Christ. I know it comes as a shock to some people, but a) he is not going to stop this behavior and b) there is actually nothing I can do about it.

Did anyone catch that Extreme Couponing show on TLC? MY GOD MAN. Greatness. It's almost inspiring, until you factor in the 10+ hours per day of obsessive research and the hoarding of epic proportions (hundreds of bottles of body wash! for TWO PEOPLE!)

First Tuesday

Did you all have a productive First Monday? DID YOU? Tosc and I went out for Monday Funday, which presented a minor First Monday challenge, but I'll have you know that I avoided the tortilla chips, which is really a shame since the bar had BUILD YOUR OWN QUESO. I mean, come on. I practically cried. As usual, I did NOT avoid 3 vodka and sodas (the official drink of 2011!), but did you see that on my physical health post? NO. I submit you did not.

So! On to the emotional/spiritual health improvements!

1) Improve my focus. I know this seems a little loosey-goosey, but I find that I get more distractable as the years go by. Specifically, this will probably mean keeping my email (erm, and Google Reader) closed while I am working on something else, and possibly not listening to health & fitness podcasts while I work (something I do pretty much every day). Uff. That one's really gonna hurt.

2) Take at least one weekend trip alone with Ava. We won't be doing much air travel this year, since FIVE plane tickets are a lot more cost prohibitive than TWO. I know it's selfish, but I'm feeling bad about this. It seems like another way that Ava's being punished because she's now in a blended family. And another way I'M being punished, since I love flying and don't particularly enjoy roadtrips, especially with three young kids. Anyway, I'd like to take her on a mini-vacation, just the two of us, or maybe bring her to Minnesota. MIDDLE CLASS SOB STORY, I know, since most people don't get to jet off with each of their kids individually. Still.

3) Go camping. I camped a lot as a child (MN is actually more conducive to it than TX, since the summers are milder), and I miss it. Our trip to Alaska stirred my camping bug as well. When it comes down to it, I really am a low-maintenance outdoorsy type (within reason). Anyway, at least one camping trip. Should be do-able, especially since we could ease into it by camping when we don't have the girls.

Don't forget, it's not too late to tell me about your resolutions, healthkick or otherwise!

First Monday!!

Happy First Monday! I'll have you know that it's 11 am and I've gotten exactly ZERO peppy emails explaining your impending healthkicks in excruciating detail. Disappointing. Well, there is STILL TIME.

In the interim, you all are on the edge of your seats over my resolutions, AM I WRONG?

Let's start with the physical health resolutions, which are plentiful as always:

1) First, Do No Harm. I am getting, as they say, ON IN THE YEARS, and I've recently had an epiphany that the single most important thing I can do to further my fitness goals is NOT TO FUCKING COME UP LAME. I've been dealing with a minor hip/hamstring...situation for a few months now, which came as a result of running sprints on sore legs, which is just straight-up BRAIN-DEAD, from where I stand now. That one dumb decision hampered a bunch of other things I wanted to do this year (including more sprinting). Also, it totally sucks and makes me angry. At myself. Which is my least favorite type of anger. So! I resolve to Pay Attention, FTLOG and not doing anything (else) Fucking Stupid. Fitness-wise, anyway. It's pretty much going to happen in the other areas.

2) Continue lifting weights and gaining strength. This was a huge win for 2010. Since starting workouts with my trainer, I've gone from being weak as a leetle girl (which, granted, I AM) to bench pressing 1 1/2 times my weight and squatting twice my weight. *Pause for gasps/thundering applause.* Since I'm still a newbie, I should be able to see some more improvement in this area, which would be a mood lifter, although it begs the question of exactly how strong I feel I need to BE? As strong as I can get in 30 minutes a week, that's how strong!

FWIW, just as a data point, I'm definitely...BIGGER since I started lifting, at least across the chest and in the thighs. Probably because I'm such a gifted, natural BEEFCAKE. Heh. Overall, I think I look better, though. I'm not sure what effect it's had on my weight, since I don't weigh myself, but if I had to guess I'd say I'm definitely heavier. In the good way. But also the way that requires new bras and jeans.

3) Consider a long-term fitness goal of passing the Firefighter Physical Agility Test. Even THINKING about this scares the shit out of me, embarrasses me, and makes me tired. Most firefighters have to pass a test that measures their agility, strength, and conditioning in a variety of ways. For example, they might have to haul a length of hose up 10 flights of stairs, then drag a 200-lb dummy 50 yards. And so on. I was inspired to consider this by our friend Amber, a female firefighter and all-around bad ass who was recently the first female to ever pass one of the toughest physical agility tests in the state. BOOM. So awesome. Anyway, the test clearly sucks and also I am up against a significant obstacle in that while I am getting pretty strong FOR MY SIZE, objectively I'm still not that strong. The fact that I can squat twice my bodyweight does not equate to being able to drag a 200-lb dummy. Buzzkill. Still, food for thought. And speaking of food:

4) Continue experimenting with my diet. In 2010 I confirmed that I don't tolerate gluten very well, and since I don't even LIKE most gluten-containing foods, I decided to mostly eliminate it. I also confirmed that I DO tolerate dairy (or at least I'm fooling myself that I do) and I miss the EVERLOVING SHIT out of it when I abstain, therefore I will NOT be eliminating it. What I need to do in 2011 is eliminate, or at least drastically reduce, the amount of corn I eat (mostly in the form of Mexican food). I don't want to. AT ALL. It makes me sick though, there's little doubt about that.

There's something else I'm going to do, in the name of SCIENCE, and I predict you guys will think it's pretty silly and possibly douchey. Ah well. I, uh, bought a blood glucose monitor. I know, I KNOW, I'm not diabetic or anything (YET), but it's for SCIENCE! In addition to relying on how I feel, I'm going to start taking some readings to see how different foods affect me. And, um, hopefully Tosc, if he'll submit. He doesn't exactly know about it yet. BACK OFF! That kid has insulin resistance and reactive hypoglycemia, and I intend to prove it, damn it! THE DATA DOESN'T LIE! Oh god. Well, let's start with me. I'll let you know how it goes. FYI, if you want to play along at home, blood glucose monitors are wicked cheap, like $20ish, and testing strips are less than $.50 apiece. I AM JUST SAYING AND SHUT YOUR MOUTHS.

5) Anti-resolution: Run a half-marathon. This is not a resolution, since I don't actually WANT to do it. Some friends of ours talked us into it, and Tosc and has never done a race longer than a 5K, and we were all drunk at the time, and blah blah blah. We're doing it. It's March 27th. My goal is to train as little as possible, probably on a walk/run basis, and still be able to complete the race and have fun. See Resolution 1).

Jesus H. CHRIST, this is getting long. Do you see what happens when you get me started? We'll have to do the mental and spiritual health resolutions later in the week. Besides, this is all just a prelude to the real attractions, which are YOUR resolutions. Lay 'em on me in the comments, or post a link! Send me a 2500-word email! Twitter DM! Carrier pigeon! Just do it!