So, let's talk some (more) about Kindergarten, shall we?
I know this topic is tiresome, but there are...issues, most of which make me look selfish and/or classist and/or like a giant fucking douchebag, so 'TIS YOUR LUCKY DAY!
We've decided to send Ava to public kindergarten. Yaaaay for civic pride and all that bullshit. We weren't able to find a private kindergarten that we could agree on, is what it boils down to. I'll save you the financial and religious/socioeconomic details. Plus, I would rather Ava be the richest kid in a poor school than the poorest kid in a rich school and YEAH I SAID IT. It's true. However. The issues.
Issue the first: The public school in our neighborhood sucks, at least relative to the other elementary schools in the district. It's the biggest school in the city, it's notorious for discipline problems, and it has a lower...rating, or whatever.
Issue the second: We can request a transfer to another school outside our district, but the process is a NIGHTMARE. It involves basically camping out at the school district with hundreds of other rabid parents who think they're better than their neighbors, and then STILL possibly not getting into the school we want. I mean, if you don't think that bullshit is basically my worst nightmare, then I invite you to report directly to the Remedial Study Group. CHRIST. Plus, we won't know exactly where she will be going until the last minute, so we can't ease her into the the change and all that. Fucking Nervous Tummy to the MAX.
Issue the third, and this one's a doozy: Tosc's ex-wife lives in a crap neighborhood and has informed him that she wants HIS kids to go to school in our district as well (they will all start kindergarten at the same time).
UH.
So, multiply the above issues times THREE, PLUS throw in a little what-to-do-with-identical-twins just for fun, PLUS go ahead and add in an extra wrench, which is the fact that I DON'T WANT AVA GOING TO SAME SCHOOL AS TOSC'S KIDS.
I just don't. I know it's selfish and I know it's not even my fucking decision, and that Tosc and his ex-wife have to do what's best for their kids, but...
I don't want Ava having to constantly compete with or be in the shadow of siblings who are 5 months older and who ALSO happen to be identical twins, and who ALSO happen to be more outgoing/aggressive than she is. I want her to have her own domain, and her own activities and sports teams. I know they could be in separate classes, but...still.
Then there's the uncomfortable fact that trying to transfer THREE kids into a better school is much harder than trying to transfer ONE.
Bleh. Can you even BELIEVE this shit? I mean, the school district is going to be like, "your situation is WHAT NOW?"
Anyway, AS ALWAYS, I control basically nothing about this entire process, and the parts I do control make me look like an asshole. If I were you, I'd get to work sewing THAT shit onto a throw pillow.
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I swear to God, a team of newborn MONKEYS could come up with better blog titles.
36 comments:
Wow. Well, your title is right on.
If I had any assvice you know I wouldn't hesitate to dole it out, but I don't. I'm sure you guys wil figure it out! Good luck!
You have my total sympathy in this. I HATE these sorts of dilemmas, and I always end up going around in mental circles and rarely feeling confident in my final choice, and the whole "camping out in front of the school to be first in line" thing makes me BERSERKY-STRESSY, and they should do it LOTTERY-STYLE FTLOG so no one gets points for being CRAZY.
*pant pant*
Ugh! I agree that your title is right on. Also, I can totally see why you want Ava to have her own school, but I'll be interested to hear if you are able to make that work. It would (obviously) be easier if Tosc's girls could go to school where their mother is, but since that's not the case...I can't even imagine how to solve this (at least not without hard feelings somewhere). In fact, I might just throw up my hands and send them all to the closest school because it is easiest, which is pretty much NOT AT ALL what you want. So obviously I'm no help.
Good luck!
gah! no idea what to say - no advice to give as this situation just sucks (and I don't think you're an asshole because I'd feel the exact same way). i do have a question though - is it possible that having the slightly older slightly more agressive/outgoing twins would actually be HELPFUL to her? If it were me, for one of my kids I think it would help them and for the other I think it would be awful and I'm sure you've already considered her personality and know this would be best so probably a really stupid question.
Ok, delurking for this one because while I didn't have to go through it 3 times (OMG, vomiting for you), kindergarten totally freaked me out. We missed the round up thing because we moved into the district after the fact, so she didn't know anyone, or the teachers, or how to find her classroom, or anything, and I was very concerned that it would scar her for life. Thankfully she is so much more awesome than I am and on the second day politely asked me to stop walking her back, thankyouverymuch.
Anyway - questions. How many different classrooms do they have? If all of the girls can be in separate classes, I think that might give them all a good chance of finding their own friends, voice, and personality at school without the shadowing of siblings. I know at least at our school, there were 4 different classes and they almost never interacted with each other. That happened more in 1st and 2nd grade.
Is it full day or half day? Related to the above question, is it possible for them to go at different times of the day, like Ava goes in the AM and the twins go in the afternoon? Then it kind of feels like a different school for Ava?
And then, just hang in there, I'm relatively sure that starting official school is way harder for parents then kids, especially the first time. Kindergarten will not, in fact, scar any of them for life. You'll get through the year and then reassess if needed.
You can do it, promise.
No advice on your clusterfuck, there, cause that's one hell of a sitch, but I did want to say that if you were to make a bumper sticker of that last motto there, I would totally buy it!
I think regardless of the school, there would be enough classrooms for all three to have their own class. But, in my mind that doesn't solve the issue (especially later on) of them all having to compete on the same sports teams, or academically, or whatever.
Anyway. The point is that I just have to do what's best for Ava, and Tosc has to do what's best for his kids, and The End. I can't really worry about how it turns out, because I don't control that. Bleh.
It's true that we could evaluate again at the beginning of the next school year.
I'm sorry I don't have my background notes with me... is Carlos in the same school district?
I hate all this stuff too. Lisa went to an out-of-district school for her first year to accommodate my childcare arrangements. Although it was a good school, I always felt like a bit of an outsider - like I couldn't complain about anything that was going on because she wasn't even supposed to be at that school. That's probably just me, but something to consider.
At Ava's age, she just needs a good teacher, not a good school. You could ask around and see if one of the kindergarten teachers at your school is better than the others, then write the principal and ask for Ava to be placed with her.
If it's a big school and there are several kindergarten classes, all three girls could be in their own class.
Whatever happens, if you're not happy with the situation you can revisit it at anytime. There's always homeschooling. Heh.
Good grief. I'm tense waiting to see if our district goes to all-day Kindergarten next year for Eli or not. But that's nothing compared to this. Ick.
Lord knows I don't blame you for not following EVERY TWIST AND TURN, but yes, Carlos lives in the same district.
It is all day kindergarten, and additionally all 3 girls would have to be in afterschool care together, since all 4 of us work.
Uggg... that IS a mess.
A couple of things: my identical twins were together for K, so if ya'll when my anecdotal experience, let me know. Short of it, is that for us it ended up being a good experience and the right choice.
Also, one pro to them being in the same school: homework, school events, etc will be synchronized and easier to manage. Having THREE separate agendas, homework plans etc would be a nightmare, I think (as someone who has 2 the same age.) Not that I'm of the opinion that they SHOULD go to the same school, just saying, if that's how it ends up there would be some pluses, too.
How I tend to deal with things like this is to 1. Fret the shit out of the problem, preferably out loud to whoever will listen 2. Put in motion what I DESIRE to happen and 3. Sit back and have faith that things will work out as "meant to be". This is the hardest step for me, but I really DO have faith that these things tend to work out how they are supposed to...
Anyway, good luck!!
How about you send Tosc's kids to public kindergarten and send Ava to private kindergarten? Then they can meet in 1st grade, all, "what up" but not be associated with each other by the other kids and the teacher. You are going to drive yourself crazy, btw, trying to make everything equal in the coming years. The twins will envy Ava for not having to share a parent and a bedroom and matching clothes and shit. Ava will envy twins for the attention. Maybe. Or they might just get along fine since they're so young and have never known anything different. But you already know that xoxo
Has Ava expressed a desire to be away from her "sissies"? I know! Use Tosc's address in BFE, and send the twins there!
Not helpful. I know.
I didn't want Sabrina to start school here, because I can't commit to this apartment with a baby in my room for 2.5 more years (her school is K-3). I wasn't thrilled with her school at first, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised.
And I will make you that pillow. Trust.
Ah crap I have no advice because just dealing with where and when to send my now second-grader to K stressed me out without all of your complications. Perhaps up your intake of beer?
This makes me infinitely happy that in my small neck of the woods all I have to worry about is do I want to send my kid to the city school with better teachers and horribly snobby parents who are superficial or to the less academically awesome school but with way nicer people.
Good luck with all that. The only thing I know to say is unless your girl is actively trying to separate from your husbands kids I wouldn't create issues that aren't there....yet.
Oh man. This will be me next year. As it is I'm all stressy about preschool issues. PRESCHOOL, for the love. If you do go through that lottery business, they're going to have to let you send ALL of the kids to the same school, right? I mean I know when you do that sort of thing with your older kid, the younger one is kind of grandfathered in, so that would have the be the case with same age siblings, right? RIGHT?
The problem is, it's NOT a lottery, it's a first-come-first-served kind of deal. With LINES. And WAITING. Augg.
Siblings aren't guaranteed the same school, and you ALSO aren't guaranteed to get in to the next feeder school. DOUBLE AUGG.
No advice, just sympathy! I'm reminded of a family in my old neighborhood where there were step-sisters who were teens of the same age and grade. I often wondered how that was for them, since they were very different personalities (and went to the same school).
FWIW, I don't think you look like an a-hole. My girls are fraternal twins and its a pain to try to give them each their own space (friends/interests/ etc.), so I can see why this would not be something you'd want for Ava. Also, I sometimes feel bad for their friends because they do get a lot of attention just because they're twins, and they're not even identical. I will note one other positive of it though, which is in later grades, when girls are notoriously mean to each other, you can put the fear of god in all three girls that they'd better have each others' backs so they at least have their own posse, so to speak, when others are being mean to them. Unless that's not how the dynamic between them works.
Is moving an option?
Since there's lines and waiting.... are there scalpers too? Designated waiters? I would pay for that shit.
See here is the thing. They ARE sisters by marriage. And twins are NO big deal anymore, for real. In this day and age with fertility drugs, twins and even TRIPLETS are everywhere. I dont mean to sound snarky (I swear), but is there a reason you dont want them to be sisters?
(PS, the twins will be far more competetive with each OTHER than they will with Ava, its par for the course)
I don't have any advice either, just sympathy - this sounds like one f-ed up process.
Something I always advise people to keep in mind when figuring out the school thing? It's difficult but if the first way you go doesn't end up being a good choice you CAN make a change. Just because you decide on something for kindergarten, that doesn't mean you're tied to that decision for the next 12 years, you know?
Good luck, seriously!
I would add that your f-ed up Shizzle isn't anything compared to what most schools/administrators/staff have to deal with. It probably wouldn't register.
BUT, I can't imagine a way to massage the system in a way that doesn't sound either elitist or an over-protective MAHBABYANGELLOVECAKES Momma.
I totally see your point with the twins thang.
And even though we don't even want them, I told Waxy if we are living in Dallas and have a child, its going to HP or private school. END OF DISCUSSION. You probably don't live in DISD though right?
Why do they make the parents wait in line?! That is ridiculous! There was some apartment complex at CBU (the one where every apt had porch swings- I don't remember the name of it), and everyone who wanted to live there had to go to the office one morning and wait in line to get an apt there. I never lived there solely for the reason that I was not going to get up early and wait in a crazy line. And that was just a stupid apartment! Not a school!
I get your reasoning for wanting to split up the girls/give them some space.
I am probably just too damn clueless to see the bigger picture, but aren't they all, ultimately, your kids? I mean, yeah, biology and divorce and custody, I know, but ultimately, you have a family of five in your house, right?
I understand where you are coming from, in terms of wanting Ava to have her own space to thrive and all of that. I get that. But hasn't that ship, for all practical purposes, sailed? She isn't an only child anymore.
I don't know. I see where you are coming from, especially if these were nearby, close cousins, but damn, they are de facto sisters. There are already so many boundaries and lines delineating theirs and hers (by way of biology and joint custody) - I guess I see the half full glass here. It would (maybe?) be kind of great if the three girls had a shared school experience.
And, after writing all that out, I can see the other viewpoint more clearly. Maybe it always feels like two on one for Ava, and giving her the educational space to be a party of one is truly wise.
Fuck if I know.
GAH GAH GAH. i have no help, just GAH. fingers crossed for... i don't even know what? what a mess :(
Wah, wah, guess you should have thought of that BEFORE getting married again to someone with kids the same age.....
Hey Tess, I just discovered your "new" blog, after your previous one went private! So glad you are still blogging and I found you!! So I now have to read your archives to catch up, to find out who Tosc and these identical twins are, etc. !!! I'm putting you on my blog list on my blog, hope it's ok to link...
www.allaboutelizabeth-anne.blogspot.com
How does Tosc feel about the whole situation? Does he agree with your concern for Ava? Does he have any thoughts on a solution?
I have no respect for commenters who leave bitchy comments anonymously. If you have something to say, OWN IT.
I cannot believe there is a school registration style that involves camping out on lawns. Good luck with all this.
No Idea. There are 3 sets of twins in AJ's class. THREE SETS!
What I hate, though, is that the registration for next FALL's school starts up SMACK! Right after Christmas/New Year's. I'm barely back on my feet, y'all, and now you want how many forms and checks and deposits? Ack.
I'm going through a mild form of kinderfuck, and I've decided that I can either tackle the shit up front, or wait until later. Either way, there's unpleasantness to deal with. It's just...yea. Sucky.
I don't think there's anything wrong at all with you wanting Ava to have her own space to learn and compete. You obviously want what's best for her.
Do you have any friends in another district that you could use their address and register Ava there?
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