So, Alice's hilarious post today got me thinking about my own list of, uh...gentlemen callers. Er, of the bedpost notch type. You know, um...conquests (EW). *profuse sweating*
Are you getting my...DRIFT here? (you: OMG YES PLEASE STOP BEFORE I GET AN INVOLUNTARY VISUAL).
First of all, don't even act like you don't have a List, Mother Theresa! Pretty much everyone I KNOW does, even if the Number is in the "no danger of leaving anyone out" range. And this is the Bible Belt! I even have one friend who uses a fucking EXCEL SPREADSHEET (I guess an Access database is not [yet] necessary)!
And if you DON'T have a List, what are you thinking? What if you one day develop crippling dementia, and in the absence of a List are forced to conclude that you are a 75-year old virgin?
This keeps me up at night, you guys, because...I LOST MY LIST. GAH! TRUE FUCKING STORY! Literally! Like I told Alice, I sincerely hope it spontaneously combusted, because otherwise the person who found it is in for a real treat. CHRIST.
And don't even start with me on trying to recreate it, either. It wasn't exactly a high quality historical record to begin with. I think it was more like a paper bar napkin with things like "Whitey" and "Scruffy's Matt" scribbled on it in Sharpie (fun fact: Scruffy's was an incredibly disgusting bar I unfortunately [or FORTUNATELY, if you are Scruffy's Matt] frequented in college).
Bonus funny(ish) story about Scruffy's Matt: I, uh, seriously called him Scruffy's Matt. I mean, not to his face, or anything. I just sort of...never caught his last name, and after the fact, if you don't already know, that ship has sailed, AM I RIGHT?
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I got a Facebook friend request from Matt Hislastnameasitturnsout. And I was in the car with Tosc, all, "WHO THE FUCK IS MATT HISLASTNAME?" And then I immediately friended him, because that's the only way to find OUT, and I was like, "Well, I'll be damned! It's Scruffy's Matt!" And that was the end of THAT convo.
Actually, now that I think of it, maybe I could just start a FACEBOOK FRIEND LIST called "conquests"! Oh, technology. How you enrich my life.
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21 comments:
uh...I never thought of WRITING the damn thing down! That is too much potential for Bad Situation. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure my selective memory has already weeded out a few!
I have a MENTAL list. I know my NUMBER. But I haven't WRITTEN IT DOWN. No, no. I am taking your lost list as a cautionary tale and continuing with my mental strategy. I'll take the risk of the dementia thing. Because if you write out the list, unless you VERY EXPLICITLY label it, when you find it in your demented state you're not going to know what the hell it is anyway.
Ha ha ha!
I don't want to explain that list to someone if found at in inopportune time/situation. Although, I freaked right the fuck out the first time I struggled to remember #5's name. What did that make me?!?!
Then I got over it. Clearly it wasn't me that was the problem. Number five should have left a more lasting impression.
Hahahahaha! No list for me. I already have that dimentia thing going, and the list would have to say things like "That Guy in Greece - #1". Shameful.
You write that stuff DOWN?
There are names I can't remember which would indicate that there is no REASON or DESIRE to remember them. END OF STORY.
Do you have to count the guys that you woke up thinking... WTF was I thinking?
Because if you do, then I am totally a slut. Being that I am 40 now and not into the bar scene and seldom get beer goggles anymore I guess that makes me a former slut.
I don't have a list though I *think* I could re-create it. Guys who knew me in the "biblical" sense anyway (I hope....)
I called a Match.com dude Adam The Cop because my old boyfriend's name was Adam.
WRITE it DOWN? Dear girl, have you lost your mind now rather than at age 75? WRITE? it DOWN?
I love what Jess Loolu said about not knowing what the list is OF anyway, if it's not explicitly labeled. Besides, I am NOT having a nurse read that out loud to me when I am too nearsighted to read it myself.
Obviously I need to know his last name. I spent a lot of time at Scruffy's.
Oh, man. A LIST. Never wrote it down. Now... might be too late.
I've never written it down. It's all mental, but things did get a little fuzzy when my friend and I started making up reasons for why some of our "conquests" didn't count. I think I have intentionally blocked some out!!
see, i don't think having it written down is that bad. it's in my google docs, which means you can't access it unless you ALSO hack into my email, and, um, BIGGER PROBLEMS AT THAT POINT, don't you think?
also, it's literally just named "list," and then just is a list of names. i mean, i'm sure someone could probably deduce what it was if they really wanted to... OR they could think it's a list of guys i met while i was on match (i know a girl who wrote down all those names just because there are a LOT of first dates involved in that scene) (i personally could not even start to recall the names of each bad first date i've had in the past 5 years, jesus) OR they could think it was a COMPLETELY UNRELATED LIST, possibly of boy names i was contemplating for my future children, for all they know.
(and the entry for "sterling guy (jesse???)" would not throw them all AT ALL.) (ps: whoopsy on that one!)
extra ps: honestly, The List also started not just because i couldn't remember some names, but because i was getting fuzzy on the number, too. once it got over, like, 5? i had to count back up each time and that seemed.. well, not ideal.
A LONG time ago, I had a list of guys I made out with that I lost. And an embarrassingly large portion of the list was just first names or even just the names of bars. Lovely. I lost my list too! It never occurred to me until now that the finder may have thought it was a list of conquests. Ha!
I have a list. And is it weird that my "number" has a 1/2 on it?
(It was a drunken night and I'm not really certain if said act *actually* took place. So he gets 1/2 a notch.)
yeah i would FAIL at this list...why? because i was a virgin when i got married...yeah, i wouldn't recommend it either...oh, and stop fucking laughing.
good meeting you at the party!
xoxo
there is a great website for this:
bedposted.com
You can rate with STARS!
I never wrote mine down, either. I have them all in my head, and to be honest I figure if I forget some of them, it's probably for the best. Right?
LOL, not many have actually written the list down now have they? Never wrote it down, but I do enjoy those deja vu moments when I remember the event but can't remember his name for the life of me, it gives me a good laugh and then drives me bonkers trying to figure it out...
Read your comment on swistle, and am thus commenting on an old post for bolstering effect, because I am generous like that.
Relevant to this post: I kept my list on the back page of an old diary, which my sister found and read at age twenty eight, and SHOWED TO MY MOTHER. DUDE. Do not tattle on your sister's list when you are almost 30. That is just not cool.
"...and I was like, "Well, I'll be damned! It's Scruffy's Matt!"
holy hell, that cracked me up. pretty sure i have some of those kinds of folks on my List as well, i.e. Bouncer Guy From That One Redneck Bar, British Guy, etc.
guess it's time to go home and document it all...in a password-protected document, of course!
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