Thursday, 6:45 am: Bitter feud with Ava over whether or not she is capable of strapping HERSELF into the carseat ("I big girl mommy! I WEAR UDDERWEAR!")(you: failing to see the connection)
6:50 am: Go back into house for keys, only to discover am LOCKED OUT of house, sans keys (OBV). Search in vain for "spare key" knowing in heart-of-hearts it DOES NOT EXIST AND NEVER HAS.
7-7:30 am: Attempt to entertain 2-year-old using only items found in a 1998 Nissan Altima (YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED)
7:30 am: Garbage truck arrives to collect trash. Definite highlight of Ava's morning. Slash LIFE. She cries bitterly as it pulls away, screeching "MOMMY I WANT TO GO WITH HIIIIIM!"
8:00 am: Sainted realtor drives from ACROSS THE METROPLEX to open the front door. Graciously pretends not to notice the state I was clearly planning to leave the (on-the-market) house in (i.e. SQUALOR)
8:45 am: Get to work, WICKED FUCKING LATE during one of my busiest weeks of the year. Log onto Facebook (WHAT?) to find that today is realtor's BIRTHDAY. Send horrified apologetic email.
9:00 am: Continue shirking duties out of bitterness/middle-class sense of entitlement. Peruse Stuff Accountants Like. Feel better.
12:15 pm: Arrive at spin class to find Perky McHoseBeast substituting for usual bad-ass instructor on whom I have teeeeny girl-crush. Perkster turns off music to read from book of INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES at regular intervals. At conclusion of class, hands out recipe for "healthy" brownies with secret ingredient BLACK BEANS. (TFS!)
5:30 pm: Leave work and decide manicure is in order. Stop at new nail place. Choose what turns out to be a completely unfortunate shade of purple polish. Nail "technician" is CRAZY BITCH named Lisa who fights with her Vietnamese boyfriend (ALSO doing nails in the next chair) THE ENTIRE TIME. Am verbally assaulted by Lisa's chronic use of the word "pampering". Feel the OPPOSITE of relaxed.
7 pm: Arrive home to find POWER OUTAGE on my street. Call to TXU after 15 minute hold reveals they "are showing an outage at my address". Helpful.
7:15 pm: Blatantly leech electricity, food, and wine out of NotDate. NotDaughter comments that "[I] look a lot skinnier when [I] wear dresses" (!!). Spend two hours watching Holes. Get unfortunate earworm causing me to repeat "Shia LaBeouf" over and over.
6:00 am: Power STILL out. Get showered and dressed in company fitness center locker room. Remember how fucking CREEPY it is to be nakedly chatting with coworkers.
7:00 am: Unfortunate attempt to put shirt on while sporting "towel turban". Get STUCK and clearly need help, but realize I'm fully committed at this point and must persevere. Wrestle with self like MORON for upwards of 30 seconds before head-hole gives in and accepts towel-wrapped head (um).
7:30 am: Get to office. Resign self to office coffee due to tardiness. Fervently wish for intern/serf/peon to send out for Real Coffee.
7:45 am: Use restroom, only to find that shirt/deodorant has had last laugh (also featuring unfortunate RuPaul nail color and what appears to be OGRE-ESQUE MAN-HANDS OMFG)
So. Let's click REFRESH on this fucking week, shall we?
28 comments:
Wow, you have had one hell of a 24 hours! I've chatted with some other friends recently about The Funk and recent general life crappiness and we've determined there is something in the air right now fucking around with all of us...hope yours is just a 24 hour thing!
I get names, or even words stuck in my head for days at a time. See: Lorenzo Lamas and Sassafras.
The good news is that you were in TX when you got locked out of the house in the dead of winter.
I probably would have given not daughter a kidney punch for that comment.
I have those pants. I lurve them.
I am laughing. so. hard.
My kids adore the trash men too. Weird.
Um, I am not that mean. I am not laughing at your unfortunate last 24 hours. It's just your writing and MY unfortunate ability to relate that has me laughing.
Leaving now...
I hope your weekend is much, much better than this.
At least you didn't have to call Carlos to let you into the house...?
BWAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA. Oh my, that was fricking funny.
How old is Not Daughter? Young enough her comment can be easily dismissed, a la "oh these little kids," or old enough to realize she's being purposely mean?
Oh, my. That blows! I laugh because I can relate. It's funny because it is oh-so-true.
Now this? This is classic Tess. Oh fuck that, TESSIE!
"Leave work and decide manicure is in order". hahahaha. wait, that was true? You are becoming high maintenance!
P&D-She is only SIX! And I wasn't offended in any way by her comment (it's true, and also she is just a kid), it just reaffirmed my committment to The Policy. I mean, SIX! "Skinny" should not even BE in a six-year-old's vocab! GAH! It seriously bummed me out.
Lori-I KNOW, right? The manicure thing is a slippery slope. You can't just cut off cold turkey once you start. Otherwise, things look...bad. Plus, I have every Thurs night to myself now and that lends itself to Maintenance. I should be a Straight Hottie in no time. SNORT.
my next door neighbor and i used to run up to the top of the block (as far as we were allowed to go - no crossing streets) and wait for the garbage men, then walk with them down our entire street as they collected all our neighbors' trash, while chatting with them. i told my mom that when i grew up i wanted to be a part time doctor, part time trash collector. just like every little kid, right??
I TOTALLY see the connection between the udderpants and the self-strapping. Ava lives a tortured life, really.
Oh God, wait till she sees the movers (if/when you sell the house!). My nephew was SMITTEN.
Blew the garbage man OUT OF THE WATER.
And I second whoever said thank the maker you didn't have to call Carlos to let you in. Does he even still get a key?
HA! Good times. At least it's Friday?
I assume an earworm is when you get a word stuck in your head? If so, I had one last night that had be repeating "quinoa" over and over again at about midnight (sleep be damned)
GAH! You guys know earworms are CONTAGIOUS, right? I damn you all!
I always get sucked into watching Holes!
Speaking of Shia LeBeouf, we were watching the end of Indiana Jones:The search for more money, and I was all "The Beef is crying!" and Sabrina was all concerned. Why is The Beef sad, Mommy.
Hilarious, but only for me I'm sure. Sorry it's not a TGIF day. I'm sure spin lady has a good quote to help you through that. totally kidding.
That was hilarious to read though I'm sure anything but to experience.
If it makes you feel any better (which I doubt but I'm trying), I'd like to REFRESH this day as well.
That was the funniest bad day EVER. For, you know, US.
Here's hoping things get better. SOON.
1. I am so happy to hear that I'm not the only person on earth who gets people's names stuck in my head as earworms.
2. Inspirational quotes, during exercise? Oh hell no!
3. I just wasted at least 1/2 an hour I cannot spare at work looking at stuffaccountantslike. Will probably do the same again later in the day. Damn.
Oh, this is the shittiest day, ever.
AND SO G*D DAMN FUNNY.
Sleep in tomorrow; you've earned it!
I just NEED to know....My daughter is about the same age as yours (will be 3 in June). How did you potty train yours? Mine's really not interested. Will sit on her potty and pretend but no real action UGH
-Twinklesmom
Yeeeahhhh.
She's not really potty-trained. She wears "udderwear", and will pee in the potty, but she still wears pull-ups most of the time.
As for how we did it, it went like this:
1)Sent her to daycare, where they put all of the kids on the potty throughout the day, and it's basically ALL POTTY, ALL THE TIME
Aaaand, that's pretty much it.
Win/win, if you ask me.
I would straight out leave the room if someone started spitting out inspirational quotes while I was in SPIN CLASS. Just hop off the bike and leave. My Lord. That's CRIMINAL.
Just think how helpful Jack Bauer would have been. WWJBD? What would Jack Bauer do?
Hopefully life has improved much since that unfortunate 24 hours!
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