Oof. It was totally an accident, and he felt TERRIBLE, and his daughter felt TERRIBLE, and OH MY GOD. Ava has a HUGE scrape on her forehead.
She's fine, and I don't get too fussy about stuff like this, BUT. You know who DOES?
Carlos. Oh boy. He is, uh, NOT HAPPY. About the road rash OR the Not-Date. SIGH. This whole co-parenting/dating/being divorced thing is such a beating, you guys. It's like sometimes all I want is to just GET AWAY from Carlos, like, FOREVER, but I CAN'T. At a minimum, I want him to mind his own fucking business, but on the other hand, Ava IS his business, and how do I separate what *I* do from what SHE does while she is with me?
Bah. This is veering in a weird and rambly direction. Let's talk about something else.
You know what I like about (not) dating someone who is divorced? He Gets It when it comes to dealing with an ex. For example, the following is a complete transcript of a phone conversation we had yesterday:
Tess: Hello?
NotDate: Man, my ex-wife is SUCH A BITCH!
Tess: I know, RIGHT?
NotDate: Well, that's all I really had. Call ya later.
Also, I should report that the heart-shaped pancakes and eggs were a huge hit. I got a can of that Batter Blaster stuff, so the girls could squirt (GAH! Another word that gives me the heebs!) the batter into the molds, while we drank wine. Win-win.
This (ORGANIC! SNORT!) shit is AWESOME, and totally worth the $5.99 ass-raping. Now there's a phrase you don't get to use every day.
31 comments:
I would have only told Carlos HOW she got the road rash....not who was present when she got it, who she was playing with, etc.
And, since I know how she got it, I would have totally said, "She got it playing on the ____". End of story!
I am glad you and the not-boyfriend had a lovely day together with the kids. Hey, it beat drinking wine on your own! :-D
Miss you!!! xx
I started OUT telling it that way, but then he started pressing for details, and I was all, "none of your business", and then he FLIPPED. Le sigh.
That must be tough...
Love how the can of pancakes (which I didn't even know was possible) is organic. hee
Yeah, that would suck.
I don't know why I find the Batter Blaster disturbing, but I do.
I love how "squirt" gives you the heebs, but "ass-raping" is totally okay.
It's the squeemy nuances of a word that make all the difference, eh?
Also, love the Organic Batter Blaster. That ought to go in the museum of 21st century WTFs. It's healthy! It loves the earth! And you can BLAST it!
Sorry bout the road rash. And the flames of hysteria.
Reminds me why I was so happy that my ex and I didn't have kids and I have no reason to ever see his ass again. But damn I miss the dog. (Literally - the dog. He was awesome.)
Oh dear. I'm glad the pancakes and wine were fun.
UGHA. You are a stronger woman then I... I remember a GF telling me that even if she wanted out of her marriage she could never get away from her hubby because of the baby (this was when she was like EIGHT MONTHS preggo...) Freaked me out to think that she was thinking of that like that.
A little freaked by the Batter blaster too and that it comes in organic form is even a bit more odd!
Now I love wine as much as the next guy but wine in the morning with eggs and pancakes? Not so sure about that.
It was a breakfast-for-dinner type sitch.
I have never been divorced so this could be total ass-speakage, but OMG, Carlos, STFU.
I think it's a good thing you told him everything before Ava narked on you: "I was playing cheese grater with Mommy's NotDate's daughter and my head was the cheese ...." because that scenario would only end badly. Him hearing from Ava, I mean.
BUT. Ava is a KID and is going to get banged up in the normal course of things and he is SO over-reacting ... Hmm ... as am I it would appear ... but I think there is possibly a separate issue in Carlos's craw.
Anyway, my last boss, a LOATHSOME TOAD, was divorced (no wonder) and his dog bit his daughter on the face, OMG, and I have to say, the ex handled it all very very admirably, thus dispelling all the "my ex-wife is a bitch" remarks over the years. Dude. I WORK(ed) for you. I KNOW who the asshole is.
Yeah. I'll cut down on the coffee intake. Sorry.
Yeah, there is definitely a separate issue in his craw, and that issue is the fact that HE DOES NOT WANT ME TO DATE.
Also, Ava is his only mechanism for torturing me now, and he knows it. He ADMITTED IT.
Gah. Blerg. I need a cocktail.
That phone call between you and the Not Date Guy was priceless. Love it.
WTH, Carlos doesn't want you to date? What are you supposed to do? Pine over him? Bah.
I should add that he doesn't usually talk shit about her, or anything. It was just a moment of frustration.
But, I like that we can talk openly about it, without worrying that we're making ourselves look bad to the other.
WHAT? That made little sense. ANYWAY.
i deal with this all the time but basically you just need to stick to the basics - "she's good, eating and sleeping well," etc. and you need to stick with just the facts about what he really needs to know and if he pressures you, just repeat what you've already said - he'll get it eventually.
i mean, you can say "we went to the park, the zoo, swimming..." but you don't have to say "who with" and again, if he pressures you, just say "friends." and leave it at that.
I prefer to call him "$40 guy" but this is CLEARLY not my business
also, I saw that stuff at the store and wondered if it was worth it .... does it require a non date and wine or will coffee with a marrid guy do?
man. one of my bffs has to deal with a bitter and vindictive ex b/c they have a kid together and it is NOT FUN. my typical response to EVERY SITUATION she tells me about is normally to tell her she should tell HIM to go fuck himself... but.... no can do when they both need to see the kid and share custody. fucking CRAPPY man. sorry carlos is being a douchenozzle.
Farrell-the thing is, when he presses me and I don't give details (I said we were with friends, he said "what friends?" I said "none of your business"), he FLIPS THE FUCK OUT.
Then, he asks Ava (Who! Is! Two!) and THEN he texts/calls/emails me incessantly about what a bitch/slut/unfit mother I am.
Whew. I am SORRY about all these comments, but this is quite theraputic. OBV. GAH.
RESTRAINING ORDER
Dude, next time, lie your pants off with some horrific story. You know, just to piss him off.
Yikes... that is tough. Hopefully, Carlos will get over it and let you live your life!! OBV, you are not any of those things, and he is just jealous. Jeez.
Does carlos need to know anything other than "she got hurt at a play date"? I vote no.
That phone convo was hilarious.
Please tell me you're keeping the bat ass crazy emails (and the texts and messages, if you can)! I will NEVER claim to know much in the area of family law, but I've got to think they could become useful at some point in the future. :)
And glad you cleared up the breakfast for dinner because I was thinking wine in the morning was a little much . . . even for me!
You're an UNFIT MOTHER for dating someone? Although I know you take the slut as a compliment. Cause you should
Boy Howdy what a double standard.
I have to give him some grudging points for being AWARE that he's fucking with you through Ava. And take them all away for doing it, because man, that SUCKS for her.
Re: the batter blaster. I love the dichotomy about feeling "good" about eating organic, all the while in a non-biodegradable disposable container. Landfill WIN!
It sounds to me like you just need to be better rehearsed with a lie.
Oh, but dang it, he can ask Ava. Well, dang. Dang. That messes up the whole lying plan.
I second the notion of hanging on to those texts, calls emails where C is crazy insulting. That just is a little over the line, yo. As is asking your 2 yo to verify mommy's info... Seriously!!
Love the pancake batter in a can! I saw that at a store recently, and about peed my pants laughing at "batter blast"
Damn these kids and their ability to, you know, TALK. She was sure to rat you out even if you had a good back story.
Also? I'm not divorced, BUT I know with fierce certaintly that is exactly how my husband would react to the same situation. If he were my ex-husband.
Ugh, I'm sorry he's being such a dick. Really. Like going through the divorce(and I don't know the reasons why, but honestly DOES IT MATTER?!?!) at ALL isn't hard enough?
Let's move the fuck ON, Carlos.
TOTAL DOUBLE STANDARD ALERT: I wouldn't want my ex to know a damned thing about my life, but the thing that is sticky to me about the lying is, though, if it were me, I'd want to know who my kid was spending time with.
So shit. Just sucks all around. I'm glad you have your non-dater to temper the assholery with. Enjoy him. Slut it up! THAT part? NONE OF CARLOS' DAMN BIZ.
Yeah the ex situation sucks. I tried to type some encouraging shit several times in this comment, but every time it just turned into a rant about my own ex, so... it sucks.
The Batter Blaster stuff looks awesome. I love the idea of being able to just wake up and blast the batter right away in the morning without having to take the time to use appliances and whatnot.
I am sorry Carlos is making an already unpleasant situation so much harder. Blerg.
Also? I'm a little frightened of the Batter Blaster, but it's hilarious that that stuff is organic.
Here's the nutty thing - you will only want to date divorced guys from now on. Weird how that works, but I have nothing in common with a never-married guy, even though my breakup was fairly benign.
I enjoy being deliberately cryptic, primarily because I know I won't cave and reveal anything. There is something totally liberating about doing that - he doesn't get to know anymore.
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