Also, I've been sort of down. Shocker. As most of you know, a lack of posting around here usually means I'm in some kind of Mood, since I'm so straight-up AWESOME at writing anything that includes actual FEELINGS. Le sigh.
One of the things that has been sucking is that Carlos and I haven't been getting along AT ALL. I haven't seen him in person in WEEKS (we pick up and drop off Ava from daycare, not our homes), which is fine, but things are definitely Not Great there.
Our unspoken agreement is that the Boston thing is still on the table. But, the reality is that we're going to have to get along for some brief period of time in order to pull it off, and we haven't been able to do that, well, EVAH, but especially not lately. Also, I'm going to have to sell my house and get a good job.
And, uh, there's something else. I know some of you are going to get all eye-rolly about this and I GET IT. Srsly. Also, it makes me look a leeetle Crazy, and Needy, and I fucking HATE that. ALSO also, argg it's embarrassing. Anyway. Enough stalling. Here it is:
There have been a couple of times in my life when things were going a little...OFF THE RAILS for me, if you know what I mean. Bad decisions, self-destructive patterns (tangent: I loved [in a good way] the comment on this post that suggested I was self-destructive if I didn't want a guy like Nicholas Sparks. Um, NO SHIT I am self-destructive! I pretty much MAJORED in that! Have we MET?).
Anyway. Each of those times, God, or the Universe, or whatever you want to call it, has not-so-subtly shoved someone in my path who was basically the human equivalent of one of these:
And, uh, traditionally? That person has been a GUY. A CHURCHY guy. I know. You guys, I KNOW, okay? I know this sounds not only RIDICULOUS, but also PATHETIC, and like I make all of my decisions based on MEN, which is NUTS. But I also know that this is the THIRD time this has happened to me, and I'm starting to think there's something...TO IT, ya know? The Lord works in mysterious ways, and one of those ways is through HOT GUYS!!! Heh. (oh my god this post is going to be LEGENDARY for Teh Crazy).
I told you guys I met NotDate in a worky setting, but that's only partially true. I met him in the lobby of an office building. He was on a sales call, and I was there for a job interview. For a job IN BOSTON. The job (in Boston!) just happened to report to a manager who offices in Dallas. When I arrived, the security guard gave me incorrect directions, and so I was actually in the WRONG lobby when he came in. When the receptionist asked me what company I was with, I PANICKED and told her, even though I was there for an effing job interview (so dumb). NotDate overheard me mention my company, and since he works in the same industry, and also is a smooth operator, etc etc, he struck up a conversation.
So, that's all well and good. A little serendipitous, but eh. However. Now that NotDate and I are friends, it's become clear just how bizarre our lobby meeting was, in a Sliding Doors-type way. Turns out we've been crossing paths for YEARS, in the following ways:
- His ex-wife and Carlos live in the same condo complex, just a few doors down from each other
- His ex-wife's identical twin sister is my BFF Darla's BOSS
- We've attended the same church (okay, SPORADICALLY, but STILL)
- He attended the church I used to go to with my college boyfriend (also a Stop Sign guy), at the same time we attended. He lived in the same apt. complex as college boyfriend's sister, who we used to visit all the time. All of this was in HOUSTON, where he just happened to live at the time.
And yet. We met, not in any of these places, but in the (wrong) lobby of an office building where I was interviewing (in Dallas) for a job in Boston.
Now. I'm not trying to make more of this than what is there, and I want to be EXTRA clear that this is not about NotDate and some kind of barfy, Nicholas-Sparks-eque TRU LURVE thing. I think you guys KNOW that is not how I roll. For a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that Jane said so (heh), it seems likely that things will not work out, romantically, with NotDate, which is okay.
But again. This has, uh, happened to me before. And my goals for this year, as I've said, were to Trust My Instincts, and Look For The Helpers.
I still believe that moving is probably the right thing. But maybe this is not the right time?
I dunno, you guys. Magic Hot Churchy Guy 8-Ball (WHAT, you don't have one?) says: STOP.
(Okay, just read this back and Can.Not. Be.Lieve. I'm posting it. GAH!)
49 comments:
I don't know. It seems like you have time to figure it out while you look for a great job, sell your house, broker a truce with Carlos. Just enjoy whatever you have with NotDate. Your gut will tell you whether or not you're making the right decision when there's more of a decision to make.
Well, call my crazy because I believe in stuff like this too.
The question (to me) is whether you think NotDate is there to help you figure out stuff/deal with things before you move to Boston or whether he is there to tell you that moving to Boston right now isn't the best idea. Although, it may all be moot if you can't move to Boston until you and Carlos get along anyway (which may take a while). And maybe NotDate is there to let you see how Carlos reacts to him, and that is the way he is signalling that you shouldn't move to Boston right now.
Ok, I am definitely the crazy one for coming up with these theories based on like two or three blog posts.
ANYWAY, I think going with your gut is a good plan.
I don't know either. But on the surface it doesn't necessarily seem to me that the stop-sign guy and the moving are related. Maybe he was the precursor that can allow you to move? You know, stopped you from freaking out, helped you even out a bit, and now you're ready to move? Especially if you're thinking that it's not going to work out with this guy long term. Although I need some more background to understand how you came to that conclusion.
I agree with LoriD, though. There's no reason not to move ahead with the planning and come to a point where you really do have a decision to make, and THEN worry about this. You know?
Tess, not to get all "calling you on your bullshit" and everything, but have you considered that you like this guy and are now (understandably) scared of commitment? Particularly because committing to CF would mean committing to TX, too?
Thank you guys for commenting on THE CRAZY. Srsly.
I AM moving forward, and like I said everything related to moving is still on the table.
And without the background, I KNOW how this looks. But I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this EXACT THING has happened to me twice before, and both times it helped me avoid a major life wreckage.
And I don't think the fact that it's probably not going to work out with NotDate has much to do with it. If anything, that makes it MORE compelling. I think we will stay good friends, for sure, and in that sense he is definitely around for all the things -R- mentioned.
Yrgg. I should probably write about the other Stop Signs for context. Gah. We'll see.
TLA-Puh-LEEZE dude, you know you can call me on my bullshit ANYTIME.
Actually, I DO like him. HE is the one who is not interested(ish), IF YOU MUST KNOW. Heh.
Anyway. It's not about him, in a LOVE sense. You'll just have to take my word for it.
Or, it could just be that when you're spinning off-the-rails and you yourself notice it, you're more inclined to notice certain types of people from the normal array of humanity that usually surrounds us all. You're more inclined to take what you need from the environment to help you along the way that you know you need.
In which case, just go on and be good to yourself. You have obviously saved yourself many times before and you'll do it again. It's a good skill; we don't all have it.
Attiton, what an awesome comment. Thank you.
Everyone else is all: *STUNNED SILENCE* Heh.
Ever so slightly off topic: Between you and Carlos, who is more up for the Boston move? Or is it equal?
Oh, I'm a big lover of "signs" so this is the best post EVAR. Hmmm....this seems so fatey to me. And maybe also you aren't as keen on the move to Boston as you hoped you'd be?
Hmmm, well... maybe just table the idea of moving for awhile and see what happens?
well I totally believe in this stuff too. and actually my husband and I met in the same kind of circumstances - same friends (different schools) in high school, same friends in college, lived just miles from my house . . . I tend to think that people come in to your life when you're ready for them (maybe just ready to finally notice them)or when you need them. If you're getting a message that says stop, it's coming from somewhere (whether is unconscious stuff just manifesting itself any way it can, God/the Universe telling you it's a mistake . . .) SOMETHING is telling you to rethink things and there certainly isn't any harm in that
Oh okay, for a while there I was thinking that the guy was the bad sign, not the good sign that you should stop some other type of bad thing. Anyway.
Whenever I used to move, I think I would have kind of an unconscious personality shift, which somehow attracted a lot of attention - girls, guys, whatever - which was weird, and also made me feel all the time that i totally regretted deciding to move.
I don't really believe there's a sign - if you're attracting some same type of guy every time there's a big shift in your life or whatever, I'd think it would just reflect a shift in YOU. It's not the hand of god saying Stop, you know?
I'd imagine that divorces are full of some timeperiod of mutual loathing and hate, and hopefully you two can pull past that soon. In the meantime, maybe "slow down" is best for all things life-after-divorce related, whether or not there's some guy in the picture signaling it.
Um, I have nothing to add but think LoriD and Attition had some wonderful, wonderful things to share.
TRUST YOURSELF, TESS.
Stop signs just mean you have to come to complete stop briefly, right? I mean if he were a DO NOT ENTER sign it would be different, no? Or am I just crazy myself 'cause when I come to stop sign I stop and then go again. Them are the rules of the road?? Or does this type of stop sign have a different "deeper" churchy meaning... Dude I am confused! Or too far gone from the church to get it, maybe?!?!
It's very smart to listen to these things. I, in any case, have "listened to my gut" before and have always been glad I did. Sometimes there is just _something_ telling you it's not *right*. For me that something is intangible, but obvious to me none the less.
Trust yourself. Trust your gut. Trust the stop sign.
i'm a "roll through the stop sign" kind of girl, so i probably am not taking note of environmental clues as often as i should be.
but whether it's a Sign From God or a Sign From Gut, it definitely seems like you *want* to stop for a bit.. so... i guess, let it be what you want it to be.
It seems to me that if everything falls in place for your move to Boston... the great job comes through and your house sells, then THAT was meant to be. But if everything falls apart as far as a move is concerned, but everything is going great with you and NotDate, then maybe that is meant to be.
Try not to over-think it either way, though. It's a WIN-WIN, right?
I totally believe in this kind of stuff. I had a small group of friends my freshman year in college who were handpicked (by SOMEONE) to help me during a very rough period. People are in our lives at certain times for reasons. Just trust yourself and NotDate and things will work out.
I love this post!
I would like to vote for the sharing of past instances for context, because I am nosy. Ahem.
I'm having trouble formulating my thought here because I do believe there is a certain, I don't know, exchange of energy between us and our environment. I think it is totally possible that you are seeing a recognizable (for you) scenario play out and you should trust yourself to interpret what that means. I agree that is probably more to do with how you are finding what you need (even subconsciously) than something necessarily being sent to you. Does that make any sense???
I echo the ladies who have said to trust your gut... AND that sentiment that you don't have to make any decisions just yet, see how the job/relo opportunities play out in the next little while.
Shutting up now.
Also, I wish God talked to me through hot guys.
I would totally listen to your gut, which is what is helping you notice the good churchy guy in your path!
I would myself prefer to be on slighly better (civil at least) terms with my ex if were going to coordinate a move across the country together. As if such a move isn't hard enough, to try and coordinate it with someone you are fighting with sounds like a headache neither of you need right this second. But that doesn't mean moving isn't on the table, it maybe just means you need to take things slow and listen to your gut/intuition/signs. Or the easter bunny if he happens to bring you special messages.
Enjoy churchy guys company and his understanding the ex-crazy and his child entertaining your child. And just take things as they come for a little bit...
Oh, baby, this post is getting me ALL WORKED UP, because I am a HUGE believer in trusting in signs and personal instincts and all that. I myself recently posted about receiving what I took to be signs and finally feeling at peace about expanding our family. So yeah... I am of Teh Crazy mindset too. For me it helps enormously to feel that the signs and the gut instincts are giving me kind of these command override signals. Once I get them, I can let go and trust and stop analyzing and making lists of pros and cons.
I realize not everyone believes in that sort of thing.
Also, I'm not saying God (or the Universe or whatevs) can't speak to you through your own logic either, obviously. Just that He speaks to everyone differently, and for some of us, the words and actions of other people in our lives are the channel through which we hear Truth. I've never heard an audible voice as some claim they have. But I have heard from the mouths of others and from circumstances in my life messages that I am certain were meant for me in a very specific way.
So I say, take from this exactly what you're initially inclined to take from it. Listen to your heart, as Nicholas Sparks-y as that sounds! If this has proven true for you in the past, there is no reason to start second-guessing your intuition. Some wonderful gifts have fallen into my life, despite every logical reason to the contrary, because I chose to follow my instincts and not my head.
I love that you are more crazy than me. heh.
And you know what? Even if he isn't a sign (stop or otherwise) something in your gut is making you interpret it that way. Maybe you need to listen.
Your gut is telling you something that only you can hear. Listen and trust it.
My assvice is on the relations with the ex. Thing is, they are going to suck for a while. It is all part of the divorce process. There will be good weeks and bad weeks, certainty and regret and all of that.
The single best advice I followed during mine was to remember the end goal. If it isn't reconciliation, then there is no use for energy to Make Him Understand or to win the Most Wronged Spouse award. At most, it is a short term gain, realized with considerable stress.
If the goal is to get to a place where you can effectively and lovingly co-parent, then the ball can be mostly in your court. It sounds pathetic, but let most shit slide. Don't react, don't engage the same dynamic that led to the divorce in the first place.
I almost hate to type this, but behave "as if." As if you have the kind of co-parenting relationship you want. If he tries to get a rise out of you or revert to the old dynamic, be breezy and let it slide.
It is much easier typed than done, but I found it worked really, really well, once I figured out how to do it. How to not behave like married folks during (and after) the divorce.
Hmmm... Interesting. If I wasn't delirious with fever right now, I might even trust myself to comment, but I'm delirious. Thus it all makes PERFECT SENSE to me right now. Hot guy sent by God. OF COURSE! I mean, COME ON, He wouldn't send a NOT hot guy, would He? THAT is what wouldn't make sense.
Also, it appears I am commenting. Which is OK, as I said I wouldn't trust MYSELF to comment, and I am so obviously NOT myself right now. Yeah. I think I'm going to take some drugs and lie down.
Oh, wait! You wanted advice. Um... reassessment is generally a good thing; it doesn't mean you'll change your decision, but it leaves that option.
I realize that was less advice and more a statement of the obvious. :)
Dude, I got a sign by way of getting t-boned in the middle of an intersection, so at least God/the Universe speaks to you by way of hot men instead of whiplash.
I think a lot more people believe in signs than are willing to admit it, and I think attition had it right - when we're feeling lost or unsettled, we seek balance by pulling what we need from our environment. Thus the undeniable need to TALK IT TO DEATH with friends/family/the entire internet when shit goes wrong. Do what you need to do to feel better, to find your equilibrium. Take care of yourself.
Also, I meant that I am the one that talks shit to death, not you. Where you go to radio silence while you deal with stuff, I corner everyone I know and tell them ALL ABOUT MY PROBLEM. I'm sure they love it.
I toooootally don't believe in signs. But I do believe in hot guys.
What on earth am I talking about? I don't believe in hot guys, either.
Also: if I'd had to co-parent with MY ex, I might have followed through on those "killing him and collecting the insurance would be SOOOO much easier" impulses.
I am the only one is totally confused???
I think the problem is that WE ALL overthink EVERYTHING, all.the.time.
In any case ... just let life happen the way you are comfortable with letting it happen.
Thank you guys all for your comments, seriously.
And Mandy-Heh. No. You are NOT the only one confused. I sort of regret the post, not because I don't genuinely FEEL this way, but because, like EVERY time I post something regarding how I FEEEEL, it just...didn't come out right. I dunno.
As for the Stop Sign Guys: they've definitely been stop (or yield) signs, and not, like BRICK WALLS or whatever. They all served their purpose for me, and I moved on to better stuff. It's not that I'm doing a total 180 on anything here. Quite the opposite. Just noticing, and thinking it through (HA!).
well, just make sure you come to a FULL and COMPLETE stop .. no sense getting a ticket for failure to follow the SIGN;)
OH! This is all so FASCINATING and GOD I DON'T KNOW... TROUBLING?
I tend to be BIG on gut feelings, but JEEBUZ, this is a big decision to base on one's gut. My first inclination is all "STOP! Stay in TEXASS!" but then I'm all, "WAIT, don't stop, you thought this through already."
Geez. Per usual, I'm so HELPFUL.
I believe in signs. Of course, I also believe that deja vu is the universe's way of telling me that I am on the right path and that I haven't gone totally off the reservation, too.
I think, if you see something and recognize it as a sign then duh, it's a sign. For you.
First of all, I'm pissed that God sends you hot guys as signs and I get stuck with the fucking losers who are decidedly NOT HOT. Almost all of my big life-changing moments are in conjunction with my running away from toxic, soul-sucking assholes. Although, I suppose "sign via Hot Guy" wouldn't be appropriate in this stage in my life. (i.e. married and motherly.)
Secondly: You know I didn't read this post as so much asking for advice as "stream of consciousness" sort of a thing. Like you were just talking things out and gaining some perspective. However, that's certainly not going to stop me from running my mouth. If you believe ND is a Stop Sign Guy and you feel like stopping/pausing then I saw go for it. Life is too short to be unhappy. If ND makes you happy RIGHT NOW then that's good enough. There doesn't have to be any kind of long-term plan in place.
P.S. All these years talking shit about Texas and you're just going to GIVE UP and RUN AWAY to Bahston and your Chowdah? Do you have any idea how uppity and mouthy this fucking state will get if it wins?
Man, I HATE it when the universe gives me a sign and THEN DOESN'T BOTHER TO TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS. Which might not be happening to you. But it would be so much easier if the sign was a little more "Yo! First you need to do x, and then you need to say y, and then go ahead and z."
Good luck! And trust your gut, which maybe knows how to read the signs.
I normally just lurk here, but I wanted to say, "go with your gut." Cliche, but I really do believe that we known instinctively what we should be doing--trouble comes with actually doing.
Wow, great post and comments. :) If I think of a wisdom pearl to add, I'll holla.
Oh, man. If it were me I'd be reading EVERYTHING into those conicidences of your meeting ND, too. But maybe the sign, and its intent, was simply to get you to notice, "Hey, interesting," and write this post, and that's it. Just continue on your way, slightly more informed/aware than you were.
...maybe?
At any rate, we're here for ya.
I think co-incidences are fascinating.
When I was in grad school, the *PLAN* was to finish on time and move back to my hometown to marry The Tool. OMG.
I? Didn't finish my thesis on time and in that additional year, broke it off with The Tool and got together with The Man (whom I met after a series of weird coincidences like the ones you've described) and ended up staying here. It was the best NotDecision that I ever made and I think at the time, it was my (unconcious?) way of getting myself out of the bullshit.
I do believe in signs but I also know that when one is confused and one's life is in upheaval(sp?) [i mean how much more change do you need than divorce, moving, new job? None, universe. exactly] we are more prone to look for signs or interpret things as signs that may or may not be.
THAT being said, I AM a strong believer in people coming into one's life for a purpose, at the right time; someone UP THERE is looking out for you it seems and while you may not know the "end result" yet, I would be comforted to know ND is in your life now. Does that make sense?
As for you and Carlos: It is rare to get along immediately after divorce. It took me and my ex a LONG time. But we're there. My #1 recommendation is to keep personal lives out of it. Only talk about CHILD and MOVE. that's it. Nothing else.
You are conscious of the changes taking place in your life, and you are being conscientious. Roll with it.
Reading the above sentence back to myself it sounds like a message from a fortune cookie that is trying too hard to be cool. If only I had typed "roll wid it, yo"
I believe NotDate was put in your life for a reason, and that reason was to help you have some fun, lighten up at a sucky time and keep you from stalking your ex with harmful intent. I believe things work out the way they're supposed to and you can't screw up the big things although you can make things more difficult for yourself. So don't be too hard on yourself and don't feel like you need to make decisions before they need to be made. And besides, if you do move and things with NotDate continue, he has obviously found his way to Boston before and could do so again.
Jeez, I'm a total sucker for crazy coincidences. I am always convinced that FATE is reaching out and grabbing me by the ASS and giving me a good shake. And if that ass shaking could come from a Hot Guy?!?! Holy hell, you can bet I would listen.
I'm with the "let life happen" group. That doesn't mean I don't believe in signs, or in critical people at critical times, just that we tend to get so caught up in planplanplanohmygodplan. We plan Scenario A and we plan Scenario B and then we get a sign and we plan Scenario C, when we really just need to calm down and let it flow, man. (I swear I'm not a hippie.)(I do yoga, though, so, you know.)
If you stay in Texas, life will work out.
If you go to Boston, life will work out.
There's a lot of things standing between you and a move (job, house, not killing Carlos), so just take them one at a time and things will happen as they happen.
I hate myself right now.
I have been loving Attition's comment and finally just realized that it is in part because it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
When the student is ready, the teacher appears.
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