Man, I TOLD you guys not to get squirrelly about the Boston thing!
Look. Obviously, there's a lot more to the equation than "chowdah" and "guys with east coast accents", although both of those things are tasty and delicious, especially that second one.
Clearly what I wrote is a dramatic oversimplification, although I'm not sure why you're SURPRISED. In fact, that sounds like a pretty good tagline for this blog, if not this LIFE, now that I think of it.
True(ish) Story: A Dramatic Oversimplification.
Anyway. All of your points are well taken, and things I've thought of too, of course. But at the risk of sounding defensive, I do want to be honest about The Way Things Are:
Fact: When you have a child, you can no longer do whatever you feel like doing, wherever you feel like doing it. And when your child's father is in her life, which is a GOOD thing, you can never, EVER completely get away from that person, geographically or otherwise. I cannot just divorce Carlos and live wherever I want, hoping he'll follow me for Ava's sake. For the next 15ish years, the two of us need to agree on a place to live.
Fact: This is complicated in our case, since we are from two different areas of the country, and currently live in a THIRD area. At the moment, the only two places we are BOTH willing to live are Dallas or Boston.
Fact: I am willing to live in Boston, even though I am not from there and have never lived there before. Many people seem to think I'm deluding myself about this. I'm not. It's a great city, and I have always had a strong regional preference for the east coast. I know how much it will cost to live there, and what the weather is like, and about "Massholes" and all that. I am still willing to live there.
Fact: Moving to Boston appears to benefit Carlos more than it benefits me. It might even make him *gasp* HAPPY. This alone is not a reason not to do something. That is called SPITE. Also, if you think his (purely theoretical, since it will never happen) happiness (HELLO BITTER!) does not benefit me, you are a total SKIMMAH.
Fact: Of the two options, Boston is the only one that allows Ava to be close to her family. This benefits me as well, in the form of HELP with the whole "being a single mother with no family" thing. I get along well with Carlos's family. In fact, if pressed after several cocktails, you might even find they have a slight PREFERENCE for me. Heh.
Fact: I am not afraid to move somewhere where I don't know anyone. I did it before, when I moved to Texas 13 years ago. The fact that other people would not do something like this does not affect my decision. When I start to drill down on WHY they would not do it, it always (ALWAYS) boils down to fear, and/or hassle. Neither of these things really belong in the decision-making equation.
Fact: I agree that in the end, the only way to solve the equation is with The Gut. I'm just going to lay it all out there and say that my gut/inner voice/higher power voice/whatevs tells me that moving to Boston is the right thing to do, and that there is something good waiting for me there. I know this is disappointing to a lot of people. The good thing about my situation is, I don't much care. Ignoring The Gut and worrying about disappointing other people is what got me into this mess in the first place.
So. I Am The One I've Been Waiting For, and all that.
Whew. Well, this is awkward. If you made it this far, hearty congrats, really. I honestly just wanted to write this so I could laminate it and have handouts made up for all of the naysayers. Uh, reading it back I might have to work on a Cliff Notes edition. Either that, or just start tasing everyone who asks me, and hope eventually word gets out.
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42 comments:
In my experience The Gut is a wise decision-maker.
While I am in favor of the tasing (especially if videos will be made available on this blog (let's face it, nothing's funnier than a tasing)), I am also in favor of the move to Boston--as you know. And I also think that people should politely butt the hell out. Where you live doesn't affect your blog and since they aren't listed as potentially care-givers of little Miss Ava, well then, I think it's just none of their business. That said, I will be butting out but also secretly crossing my fingers for you to get what you really, really want.
Besides. Having considered everything the nay-sayers listed I think there's a lot of comedic gold in that and I am, at heart, a selfish being. I want to read some Funny from Little Miss Sunshine Tess. Good Luck!
I should say that I loved all of the comments, both pro and con, and I'm DEFINITELY not asking you guys or anyone else to butt out.
I had a blast reading everyone's thoughts, and you are all hilarious. I just wanted to be clear on the fact that I HAVE thought this through, actually, even though that is most unlike me.
I always think about "what's the worst that can happen?" I know, that sounds terrible, but if I know what the worst is, and I can deal with it, then it's not so scary. Then again, I'm all about change, all of the time. If I had it my way, we would move approximately every 6 months, which maybe means I need more counseling.
Regardless of where *I* think you should live (yay, Boston!), I think you've done a spectacular job of thinking it through, FTLOG. Srsly.
My sister has a similar (but not at all in that my nephew's dad is a total dick and not WORTH being around) sitch in that she is from CT and the father is from WA. Yeah, NOT AT ALL CLOSE. I know it benefits her GREATLY as a single mom to be close to family (luckily for me, in CT) to have support and help w/ the boy.
And I think it's aces that you two can agree on anyplace to co-exist. You guys are thinking of her first and that rocks. I think you'll find an amazing new life wherever you go.
Kick ass, woman!
The SYTYCD tour went to Boston last year so that means we'll just have to come to you next year instead of roadtripping it to Austin again (unless you decide you MISS Texas and want to visit us for the show!). :)
This is not to imply that I would not miss Texas. I WOULD, actually, quite a bit.
Well, the people anyway. Okay, SOME of the people.
Six to eight of the people. Heh.
"It might even make him *gasp* HAPPY. This alone is not a reason not to do something. That is called SPITE."
I actually really needed that this morning. Excellent reminder, thank you.
Always, always go with The Gut.
I could tell that you had a preference for Boston before you stated it outright. I think your reasons are good and valid and I look forward to hearing about the process. Good luck.
I agree with Lori D. going with the gut and also a clear thought process is always the best. Looking forward to some good chowder recipes in the future ;)
Will you take on a fake Boston accent a la Madonna's fake British accent?!
I'm sure. I'm quite susceptible to accents. In fact, if it's accents you all are after, you should be PRAISING GAWD for this Boston thing!
Also, true story: my friend Woz has lived in the UK for the past few years and she TOTALLY has a fake British accent now. DON'T EVEN LIE WOZ YOU KNOW THAT SHIT IS TRUE.
Do what is right for you and Ava. If that benefits Carlos, well then lucky him. I will second what Stephanie said, that it's awesome that the two of you are putting your differences aside and thinking of your daughter.
Does this mean that I have to give back your Boston College sweatshirt?
I think you are totally brave and adventurous for considering a move to Boston. The gut don't lie!
Good call, you should always go with The Gut!
Good for you. The Gut has a tricky way of getting what it wants either the easy way or the hard way. I'm hoping to start doing things the easy way real soon.
I say good for you. You sound like such a grown up. WTF?!
Hey, good for you. As someone who did (eventually) move away from the ex with the child, dealing with said ex and visitation (which, as you mention, is essential for the child, who got stuck in the situation through no fault of her own) from 1000 miles away is in no way easier, and in many ways more difficult, than being in the same town. So if it's possible to live in the same place and you're both willing to move, good.
Plus, Boston is closer to a certain Philly suburb than Texas, so there's that.
You should laminate at least the part about fear/hassle not being part of the decision-making equation and pass it out to EVERYONE. Because most people are skimmers and it's a really wise point.
Also wise: acknowledging that it's a good thing for A to have her parents in geographic proximity to each other. As the child of divorced parents, I appreciate that on her behalf.
You've given this a lot more than just The Gut Test. There's a lot of good, solid thought here.
well of course go with The Gut and of course you should live close to each other. and family in proximity is a huge blessing. My opinion was based on hassle absolutely - meaning, if you're HAPPY where you are, why hassle? Of course, if you'd be HAPPIER then totally worth the hassle. So really I guess my opinion is do whatever makes you happiest but for me it would be "don't leave the daycare you love best". but I have daycare issues.
I'm also totally PRO ACCENT which you already knew
I was Team Texas because I always go with The Easiest. Now I'm wondering if I've been married for twenty five years because that was Easiest. Hmm.
Tessie -
This is AWESOME. YOU ARE AWESOME.
Really. I am really, really proud of you!
Yes, go with the gut darling.
Paula-Heh. Well, you certainly wouldn't be the only one.
I love the way you think. LOVE.
Also, I find that the couples I have the most respect for (and okay FINE, I am mostly talking about CELEBRITY COUPLES) are the ones who make arrangements in as friendly-as-possible a way and to benefit the children. Like Melissa Ethridge and her first wife, when they divorced but then bought houses next door to each other so the kids could run back and forth. Or like Demi Moore and Bruce Willis. Or like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith and their relationship with the mother of Will's first son. I LOVE that stuff.
I would to say that I am a comment skimmer and not an actual post skimmer .. does that count for skimming too???
anyway, I would also like to say that you are a much better person than me b/c I will admit that I would do/not do something just for spite .. which in the end makes no one happy or better or whatever!!
so good luck with it all .... :)
Well, I am a smidge disappointed that "Boston" isn't code for "Minneapolis". But it sounds like you've some very solid, adult reasons for getting the eff out of Texas...
Can't wait to see what your newest adventure brings.
I LOVE that you went with Carlos and Ava! Just had to put that out there.
And I'm a big fan of living near (or with, actually) family. Free childcare! WOO!
Well good for you!
God, I LOVE your explanation. I am totally impressed with you!
Also, moving somewhere Carlos is happy is such a great Trump Card for your future use (you know, if you happen to ever need such a thing!) More power to you!
The Gut, it knows.
Though as useful as The Gut has been in real life, I must say it TOTALLY BLOWS in actual real-life math situations.
Yes, if that's what The Gut tells you, listen. Though I hope you are ready for snow ... I live here in spite of the weather, not because of it, and isn't it Spring YET?
What? Fear and hassle are not valid factors in decision-making? You're freaking kidding me!
Seriously, I ignored my gut last summer in a major move decision making process and have lived to regret it, big time. I'm now looking at having to move AGAIN, having wasted 6 or 8 months of mine and my daughter's lives, not to mention the expense and total suckage of moving not once, but twice.
I sure as hell hope my gut is right after all this.
I don't understand the fear of moving where you don't know anyone. To me it is just a part of life, but I guess maybe that's because I come from a state where everyone gets the hell out of there after college. What's the job sitch in both cities? I'm just curious.
I am so glad you are back. I just rediscovered you because you commented somewhere and I recognized your voice.
I think your decision is sound and well reasoned, and you and your Gut and Brain know best. I warn you that you are going to miss TexMex more than you can ever imagine. I left Austin in '90 and I still come to Texas once a year and gorge on queso.
Finally, a story I love to tell about accommodating parents. George Karl used to be the coach of the Seattle SuperSonics, when they used to be in Seattle. He was kind of an asshole, to say the least, and not a very good husband. His wife caught him cheating in the worst way imaginable, and shortly thereafter, he was fired (unrelated) and hired in Milwaukee.
Cathy Karl, the wronged spouse, did something I have never forgotten. She left Seattle, this amazing city, where she was beloved and had such a strong social circle and moved to Milwaukee. She and George bought three homes - hers, his and theirs. Instead of the kids moving out every two weeks (as per most joint custody agreements), she and George took their weeks in the family home. The kids were never displaced - the parents shuffled back and forth.
Yes, it is a luxury that only considerable NBA money could buy, but still. To me, that honored both the marriage and the children.
I don't like nay-sayers.
Anyway, I think it is esp. awesome if you've been able to maintain a cordial or even more than cordial relationship with Carlos' parents. THAT will benefit all three of you (you, Carlos, Ava).
From a purely selfish perspective, I think you should move to Boston so you can continue to regale us with phonetic renderings of the hilarious accents!
You don't have to explain yourself.
Besides,I love your reasons.
And I love Bahstin.
And I love you.
I'm JUST catching up becauase I've been piled under papers for the last 2 weeks due to year-end. BLAH!!!
Anyhow, have lived here for 4 years and I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING FAKE BRITISH ACCENT. You are mistaking me no longer turning 2 syllable words into 3 and so on.
I have definitely picked up a new vocabulary, though. :-)
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