So. The flickees. What the fuck, right? What kind of spineless, self-loathing doormat puts up with that kind of shit? First, let's just agree right at the start that I am flamingly biased, and, like most flickees, probably borderline defensive and definitely full of weak rationalizations on this topic. Not that it will stop me from ranting, obv. God bless the internets, home of unfair and unbalanced reporting. As always, I speak only for myself, and for 2 or 3 good friends who have shared their experiences. And for my mother (ALSO a flickee, at the hands of my dad)(DUN DUN DUN). So, at most, a sample size of 5 people, both women and men. Kay? Kay.
I have no idea what, if anything, it means, but here are some characteristics we all share:
Extreme relationship role models-Interestingly, either positive OR negative. I myself had basically NO (romantic) relationship role model, as I am a child of divorce, my parents divorced when I was very young, and my custodial parent never remarried or even openly dated. Others in the group had parents with flicker/flickee dynamics, OR parents with "ideal" or "soulmate"- type relationships that, in the flickee's eyes, had a low chance of ever being duplicated.
Desire to be perceived as resilient, aka Stiff Upper Lip-Lord knows I have this in spades, and so do the rest of the people in my sample. We like to think we can handle whatever life dishes out at us, without complaint. We don't want to dwell on bad things, and we don't want others to see us vulnerable, or in need of help.
Above-average levels of empathy/tolerance for others-Without exception, every one of the people I'm thinking of is the type of person you feel you can tell anything. We don't tend to judge. Nothing shocks us. We have a strong belief that there are two sides to every story, and that people are inherently good.
Varying degrees of Savior Complex-Sort of related to the above. I myself had(ve?) a raging case of this. My ex had a very rough life before he met me, and I told him repeatedly that I would never leave him, that I would be someone he could count on in his life, that I would be the one person who never fucked him over. I really meant that at the time and still feel residual guilt over this. TRUE STORY. I told you it was fucked up.
You'll notice that "super laid-back" or "meek" or "total doormat" is not listed. Over half of the people in my sample have what I would consider "assertive" personalities. You would never in a million years imagine that they would put up with flicking.
So, yeah. I don't know what any of this means. There are ALSO plenty of people who have these characteristics who DON'T end up flickees. I think the rest is just bad luck, or circumstance, or meeting the wrong person at the wrong time in your life.
I think most flickees would also agree that it sneaks up on you. The flicking isn't constant. It might be very infrequent, or happen only under stress, or it may be interspersed with more manageable noogies/nose tweaks. When my ex and I weren't fighting, we had a great time together. We had a lot in common, spent almost all of our non-work time together, and shared many common interests.
My Done Being Flicked moment was something very minor, relatively speaking. In fact, it was more of a noogie/nose tweak. I always knew I could leave with relative ease, and in fact it WAS easy to leave, compared to what most people face. I'm educated, I have a well-paying job, and I'm still young. I don't think I have low self-esteem, and I don't worry about surviving on my own, or not finding someone else, or any of that. I never did. It was never about that. The thing is, all of the flickee characteristics listed above are things I like about myself. In my mind, I was acting like the kind of person I wanted to be. Taking the high road. All of that. I hold myself responsible for getting into the situation, but I'm proud of the way I acted in my marriage, and that's Gawds Honest Truth.
And these days, I know that if I'm ever flicked by anyone again, it's only going to happen once. So HELL YEAH, I feel giddy, and "excited" and "only 31". Wouldn't you?
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21 comments:
OMG, I have every personality trait of a flickee. Save me now! Seriously, though, I just started dating a definite non-flicker and I think that its a little bit hard for me to define myself outside of those flickee-like characteristics. My dad is a flicker, though, so maybe that helps me avoid and recognize flicker-like partners (love you dad, but you're a complete pain in the ass!).
Just wanted to say welcome back. We've missed your sassy style 'round these parts. Also, I'm lucky that my husband is definitely NOT a flicker, but know that I tend to be a nudger (hopefully not to the point of flicking...hopefully!)
I am SO a former flickee and I think you've summed up this whole mess very perfectly.
The flicking definitely sneaks up on you ... and I think the Done Being Flicked can do the same. I recognized that immediately when I saw J & K and had to refrain from calling everyone I know who watches the show to shout "I TOLD YOU SO." I knew he'd eventually be done and relieved and I knew Kate would eventually be shocked and sad.
And yeah, flicking will only happen once with me, too - in all friendships/relationships. Being done is so freeing.
This is so interesting to me. I definitely have that savior complex going on, and my parents have the ideal, soulmate relationship you describe, and maybe the other stuff too. I've been thinking about these concepts ever since you started describing them, and while I don't think my husband or I fit neatly into either category...there are...tendencies as to both flicker and flickee...or maybe just noogie giver and recipient. Still trying to figure it out. Anyway, I've been really enjoying your insights is what I'm trying to say.
As a former flickee I agree with this analysis. In my case, my mom was a borderline flicker so it took me awhile to realize that behavior isn't acceptable in any relationship. Also, when I got in to the relationship in which I was the flickee it took awhile for me to realize it wasn't an occasional thing or an accidental slip. I guess I just kept expecting the best of the flicker until I realized that WAS the best. I will say that relationship was over 13 years ago and haven't had another since. My flicker motto being: fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
I can totally see this. Because someone who wasn't strong and resilient would, like, burst into tears the very first time it happened, and the relationship wouldn't work. Someone who wasn't a steady, persevering type might lash back, causing the relationship to combust. Yes, yessssss, this all makes sense!
Gotta say, it's hard to see you as a Flickee. Though I follow your reasoning here. ALSO! Looks like you are staying in town? Can we now be IRL friends already dammit?
What Swistle said.
Also, I'm wondering...does being a flickee relate in any way to being someone who has a good sense of humor and enjoys a certain level of repartee and banter? I.e., flicking is something that initially kind of comes with the Party territory? And then gets tiresome and then Old As Fucking Hell?
Because as someone who probably comes across as at the best "quiet" and occasionally even "meek"--I think in some ways it's easier for someone like me to walk away. Because I haven't interacted, I don't have a stake in the flicker/ flickee relationship. I get annoyed, I smile, I leave. I'm boring, in other words.
Not that I don't have plenty of fucked up relationship things of my own. But I get different sorts of fucked-up-ness.
God, it's all so interesting. I really thank you for writing this, Tess, and just because it's fascinating as hell.
I couldn't agree with you more.
I think that with the empathy, etc. (for me) also came the ability to rationalize the behavior that was coming at me. Not just to be able to handle it but to also put it into some skewed context, where it looked less fucked up than it was.
It DOES sneak up on you, like.
And like you, I learned SO MUCH from that relationship. I learned to trust myself and my instincts because, I KNEW that I was getting flicked, yo. Deep down, I always knew it.
Do you think your ex regrets his flicking and sees the error of his ways? Or will he always be a flicker? Also, has he found a new flickee yet?
What Miz S said.
And also: For me the flickee tendencies were a direct mark of immaturity. I feel like my own (heh) "personal growth" made me more able to refuse to put up with shit. And recognize shit when it's being thrown.
Your last two posts have made it more clear. My mother is a flicker, and I married a flicker.
I am a total flickee. Which is weird because at work, I'm totally NOT. But in relationships, I totally am. Except I didn't have the chance to say "I'm done." He found someone else to flick first. (I guess. Though one of the divorce books I read said that a lot of times, people take the "other" role in their next relationship).
But I will tell you that I am SO DONE being flicked and even though I was flicked my first long-ish relationship after my ex, (because apparently I don't learn my lesson), I have stayed out of relationships for a while until I re-gain my own confidence that I will be able to spot the flicker quickly and run away like hell.
Does that make sense?
My relationship with my exhusband (aka the Flicker) started out sweet and loving. He seemed to understand I wouldn't put up with being a flickee (I working in a domestic violence shelter for gawd's sake...I was the poster child for empowered women). Then it started slowly after we got married. First he stopped being nice. Then he started flicking. By then I was in it...I wanted it to work - I didn't want to be divorced like my parents. Gah. My moment of realizing I was done wasn't even a noogie...it was the absence of flicking that did it for me. He was away on a business trip and I suddenly realized that I would be happier if he didn't come back (light bulb moment).
Anyway, after re-locating all of the things that made me me that I apparently suppressed for the 2 years we were married, I was SO! VERY! HAPPY! I had so much fun dating and reconnecting with friends. Then I met my nice guy and despite having no desire to get married again anytime soon, I married him and had 2 kids. Happily ever after. Huh.
This is so interesting and I am so impressed with your insight and introspection. This explanation makes perfect sense.
This whole series has been very thought-provoking. I find myself assessing people to see if they're flickers or flickees (work people, family, friends). Fascinating.
I haven't ever been a flickee in a romantic relationship, but I think I have been a flickee in a couple of friendships. I even called a friend on it once, and she said, "What I said didn't hurt your feelings." Umm... ok? I'm not friends with any flickers any more.
This is so fascinating. My mother and ex- BFF were flickers. And I have almost all of these qualities, too. My mom didn't have any friends/ close family, so I was always trying to be everything to her (savior complex). You've really opened my eyes to a lot of what went on. Thanks.
Just read both the "flicker" and "flickee" posts, and you're so right on (not to be original, or anything). I was engaged to a flicker a little over a year ago. He was the worst of the bunch, but it took that relationship for me to see that I'd always dated flickers - men that made me question by value not only in that relationship but also in the world.
I've been with the most non-flickerish guy in the world for about 11 months now, and I'm so thankful for him. I had no idea what it was like to NOT be flicked - turns out, it's WONDERFUL!!
Glad you are around, xoxox
Yes. Again, yes. I totally internet big pink puffy heart you.
Strange, we always think we are the only ones. I wasted a few years of my life being the flickee to an asshat of a flicker. These posts brought a LOT of that back up for me.
So glad I left him - and yeah, I was giddy too - I practically skipped out the door. When you are done, you are just DONE.
I've been married to a wonderful non-flicker for nearly 7 years - and today I'm feeling extra blessed for that.
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