Awwww yeah, baby. Actually, this picture doesn't even do it justice, as you can't see that there are TWO kinds of cheese and also BACON inside it. God bless America. This was, no shit, the best thing I've eaten in a long, LONG time. Oh pipe down Food Police, I had a salad too.
Q: What in the holy hell is THIS thing?
A: It's a "Family Heritage Doll", where "doll" means "half-assed posterboard cutout inexplicably featuring opposable thumbs." Ava came home with it on Monday, and we are to decorate it to "showcase our family heritage," as she will be presenting it to the class on Friday. Now then.
First of all, this picture makes the doll look like a Real Hispanic, but I swear it's the lighting, because in person it's straight-up White Bread. Which is awk. Did they give the darker-skinned kids darker colored dolls? I do not know! This whole situation is a recipe for disenfranchisement and it gives me the Nervous Tummy! I need a doctor's note for this shit!
Second of all, let us reflect for a moment on my rich Family Heritage: I am a white accountant from Minnesota. How unique and deeply interesting. And Carlos got his OWN doll, so I can't even play the Fake Hispanic card. This is bullshit, man! How do you represent your dubious "heritage" using only a glue gun and various craft detritus to begin with? HALP!
At this point, I'm seriously considering scrawling REGULATION WHITEY across the thing with a Sharpie and being done with it. GAWD.
Welp, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a few Double Downs away from hell in a handbasket, so I must be going.
31 comments:
Dress the thing in red, white and blue, put an American flag in one hand and a DD in the other. There... done.
Ok. This is hilarious. When I saw the commercial last night for that chicken thing (not knowing it was the Double Down you were talking about yesterday - I had no idea what you were talking about yesterday) I THOUGHT OF YOU. And how much you would love that sandwich. I am so glad you found it.
Do you have any Norwegian in you? Because sending that doll in holding a plate of gelatinous lutefisk would be awesome.
Better yet - stand that doll up in a plate of gelatinous lutefisk. In all its lye-ish-ness glory.
Wait, divorced parents get two separate dolls? Or do all parents get two separate dolls? Because I find that very strange. You might be divorced but you still contributed to the same kid. I would find it very strange if I were asked to do one Eastern European Jew doll and one Repressed British doll.
I am loving these comments - hee!
First off, why the HELL isn't there a KFC by my workplace?!? Because I would be having that DD TODAY, man.
As for the doll, have it holding a bowl of jello. Or hotdish. Done.
I have no idea if everyone got 2 dolls, or if this is some kind of Divorce Thing! And if you DON'T get 2 dolls, how do you decide whose heritage takes precendence? Rock, paper, scissors? The whole thing is an exercise in AWK.
The doll's thumbs are to hold the bratwurst. Minnesota = brats, very very good brats. And that tater tot casserole thing. Yum!
This reminds me of when we had to create our "Me" doll in third grade, but that was at least a real stuffed doll. I "created" a dance costume for mine...shocking, right? Sequins galore!! And brown yarn tied to the side created my side pony tail. I think I still have it somewhere.
Do you need my help with this project? I think I've proven my craftiness lately. *wink*
Draw [insert fav Minnesota sports team here] jersey on it, attach a BU hat, a calculator in one hand, a beer in the other, and some running shoes on the feet. DONE! Do you like how I envision you? I'm not sure it shows alot of hertiage, but it makes me giggle!!!
HAA. i think you're on the right track. maybe draw a belly shirt on the doll with "HAI I'M WHITE" written on it? with a big mac (or a DD!) in its hand?
If you have any Irish in you, you could just copy that Lucky Charms guy
Cheesehead hat and a bowl of jello salad. Or better yet, a fried meat sandwich. Oh man, you could go to TOWN on this.
I really think that "Regulation Whitey" would really drive your point home that this is a stoopid stoopid project. Do it and your next DD is on me!
I saw a lot of negative reactions about the double down, and truely it is another in a long line of American abominations as far as I am concerned.
However, we then learned that the double down has a whopping...500 calories or so...per "meatwich." Which is less than many conventional fast food sandwiches. I don't know how the fat content compares of course, probably not favorably.
Pretty crazy, huh? The "double down" as a preferable fast food menu item to watch your waist. Relatively speaking, of course.
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Emily brings crazy projects home all the time from school. We do our best to accidently forget. I is bad mom.
This whole post is made of win!
One of my co-workers pointed out the DD on the internet, but now I know someone who has actually eaten one! Priceless.
Yes! The doll must hold a hotdish!!!
That is some "sandwich." You did have a salad, so it all evens out.
The doll... I have no idea. Geez
Well, I'm strongly considering devouring about two cups of leftover whipped cream straight up, where "strongly considering" equals "using every ounce of willpower I have to fight against the urge, yet I will surely lose in the long run," so this vegetarian has no judgment on your fried meat sandwich. God bless America, indeed.
PS- Do you think a squirt of Hershey's syrup on top is warranted?
First of all, Melospiza, cheeseheads are from Wisconsin, not Minnesota. There is a crucial difference.
I work at the most Norweigian/Minnesotan company OF ALL TIME. If you need any ideas, let me know. However, I think Aggie99 is a genius. I don't know if a calculator is really A's "heritage," but it is awesome.
It's not nervous tummy, it's just the DD coming back to haunt you.
omg i saw a news report last night about this "controversial" new meatwich from KFC and i thought it looked delicious! enough food for two people, yes, but very delicious! there were two news guys, one tried the fried version and one tried the grilled version. both said they were very good, but then they talked about the nutrition info and really, you may as well just eat the fried version! not a whole lot of difference in terms of overall calories and the sodium content on the grilled version was more than the fried. there was a difference in the fat grams but it's not like one was 8000 and one was 2, ya know? anyway, looks awesome and i WILL have one soon!
your post and these comments about the heritage doll crack me up - i'm loving the suggestions about putting a hot dish in its hand, although the fabulousness of that could be lost on a teacher that is silly enough to assign this task in the first place.
um, also? does "Double Down" sound naughty to anyone else? oh...no? just me then...
I have been seeing so much RIDICULOUS COMMENTARY about this sandwich and its connection to the End Times, and I say PIDDLE. If those two pieces of chicken were on a plate with the bacon and cheese on top and a nice ladel of marinara on top, it would be chicken parmigiana and no one would give a flying flip. Also, since when is everyone such a bread advocate? Isn't bread the previous indicator of the End Times?
I think your little heritage guy should have a hotdish in one hand and a beer in the other. There, done.
Decorate the doll to look like a Saltine. Have Ava tell everyone she's a Cracker and you're golden.
Also, just so you know, when I first heard about the Double Down, you were one of the first people I thought of. I was all "Hrm. I bet Tess would love that shit."
Oh, and I would like to request you post a picture of the doll after you finish it (or her???).
PLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEE??!!
Your take on the Double Down is hilarious. I just wrote a line on the meat sandwich (not as complimentary as yours) and then saw your post and thought to myself how mad you will be when you see what I wrote. Especially considering I have not tried the sandwich.
If I wasn't trying to lose weight right now, I would be RUNNING to KFC to buy one of those bad boys. Yum.
I'm loving all of the suggestions you're getting for the heritage doll. You can't go wrong!
REGULATION WHITEY - I'm totally using that this week.
I actually went to KFC today to try this bad boy. Unfortunately it is BIG, and I chickened out (no pun intended), and went for the chicken crisper sanwich, which was. 2 chicken strips on a roll. Why didnt I get a fucking chicken cutlet like featured on the double down?
I need to go again when I didnt eat dinner the night before or breakfast for that matter.
Our local news did some kind of story this week that said we're all doomed for eating too much white bread, white rice, and noodles so maybe the DD is onto something...
Yes, auntie, I also thought Double Down sounded a bit dodgy - but not as much as meat sandwich...
I've long concluded that teachers assign home projects to get back at the parents. The drama! The stress! The running around trying to find glue or string or cardboard or whatever!
Glue on macaroni for pants and make a shirt out of lefse.
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