I keep going back and BACK to Jonniker's post today, and reading the comments, and trying in vain to leave my own comment, and that usually means I have some type of Strong Feeling on the topic, so...here we are.
If you missed it, in the post Jonna writes about the whole Tom Brady-Gisele-whatsherface mess, and about blended families, and step parenting, etc.
My entire life has been and continues to be steeped in this issue. My parents divorced when I was very young. My mother never remarried or openly dated, which is a separate crazy-making issue and Strong Feeling for another time. My father DID remarry, twice in fact, both times to women who had children. And then I went on ahead and got divorced my OWNSELF, and I'm currently dating a man who is ALSO divorced, and ALSO has children. There now. Are we all set on BACKGROUND? Shall I post a Diseased Family Tree? Jesus. You know, as an aside, I typically consider myself a normal and well-adjusted type, until I read back paragraphs like THIS. But then again, we all THINK we are well-adjusted, just like we all think we are funny and smart and middle-class, am I right? Anyhoo. EXCUSE THE TANGENT.
Let's move on to the Strong Feelings and see what happens, shall we?
Strong Feeling: I sort of bristle when I hear anger and disgust at Gisele snuggling or showing love towards another woman's child. Don't get me wrong; I miss my daughter when I'm not with her, and feel deep sadness when I see pictures of her doing things without me. But that is MY OWN ISSUE, and a feeling I will always keep to myself as I would NEVER begrudge her genuine love or affection from ANY person, male or female. I fail to understand why some mothers are so vehemently against their children being connected to anyone else, particularly other women. Another woman (or man) loving and caring for my child does not threaten my status as her mother. In fact, I welcome and hope for the presence of a loving stepparent in her life.
Strong Feeling: It's wicked hard to blend a family with children, especially if BOTH partners bring children into the relationship. No doubt. You're dealing with different kids, different parenting styles, and often different amounts of time spent or schedules with the parents. There is just no way to make that easy, or fair.
Strong Feeling: Still, at this time, I am only really interested in relationships with men who have been divorced and have children. Sure, it's more complicated. Sure, it's more stressful. But divorce and parenthood are two experiences for which there are NO SUBSTITUTES, in terms of understanding and empathy. A childless, never-been-married guy cannot possibly understand me at this stage in my life. Furthermore, it's likely that we have little or nothing in common. A divorced man with children will always understand that your children come first, and vice versa. He will understand what it's like to deal with an ex-spouse, and the complexities of a parenting relationship with that person, and the concept of shared history versus unresolved feelings.
Strong(est) Feeling: Like Jonna, I understand my own parents so much better now--since becoming a parent, but especially since becoming a SINGLE parent. So often when I read comments on this topic, it is all "I can't IMAGINE! DESPAIR! DESPAIR! MISERY FOR EVERYONE!", and yeah, it's hard. Sort of like the rest of life, and also all of the available alternatives, if we're being honest. It's important to be real about that. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up on having a happy life--for myself, or my daughter, or any future children, "step" or otherwise. If the number of people involved in my family situation, and therefore the complexities and stresses of life, expand, that's better than knowing I never even tried.
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26 comments:
I think being a step-parent must be the hardest thing ever. If I were in that situation with my kids, I would pray that their step mother was kind and loving toward my child. Likewise, I could not be with a man who didn't adore my kids.
I thought I was the only one who had the silent thought that "I only want to date a divorced guy."
I don't have kids, but I imagine I would throw in that qualification if I did. I just kind of think you have to have been through a divorce to really understand me and my Strong Feelings about what it takes to nurture a relationship.
Also, I was the kid of a divorce, and my step dad (the only dad I really knew) had a lifelong complex about not being my bio-dad (and bitter resentment about any Strong Feelings I had toward bio dad).
I don't get it either. I can understand wanting to kill someone who is nasty to your child, but I will NEVER understand hating someone who just wants to love them.
I would guess that some of the negative feelings towards Tom/Gisele (from the public in general) are related to the circumstances and timing of Tom's breakup with his kid's mom. I really don't have an opinion on the whole Tom/Gisele thing though.
Of course I would want my son to have a great stepmom if I were to get divorced, but I think it would be really hard for me to have someone else be a mother-type figure to him. It's hard to know how you would feel unless you are in the situation. And I think it's probably different if your husband had an affair with the new stepmom or if you got divorced because you both realized it wasn't working out or whatever.
Your post is really interesting and made me think, even though I don't have STRONG FEELINGS on this.
From a kid's perspective (a kid old enough to know what "dating" really means), seeing your mom date a guy has its awkward moments, BUT! waaaay easier when there are other kids, because then it's more like a continual play date (at least during the dating stage) then some sudden realization about Mommy replacing Daddy or something weird like that. So your idea of dating other divorces, if they come with children, bonus for you and your daughter, I think.
This is such an interesting issue. My sister deals with this because her fiance has two kids, and while my sister is also divorced, she does not have kids. So she is a stepparent-to-be, and so far it's actually worked out really well, mostly because her fiance's ex-wife is really good about not being jealous and not having an issue with my sister having a good and loving relationship with those kids. I think as long as everyone involved places the priority on the kids and making sure that they are happy and loved, the other stuff can be worked out.
here here! I kind of feel the same when it comes to raising a kid with special needs. You sometimes feel like other people think your life is SO HARD and SO TRAGIC, but really, what parent out there is thinking this is so easy? Parenting is a tough gig no matter how you slice it.
I am pretty sure I would be IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE, step-mother-to-my-kids-wise. I would DEFINITELY want her to be nice to my kids and love them and have a great relationship with them. But I would also kind of hate that, and I would feel like my ex and the step-mom and my kids were THE COMPLETE FAMILY and I was the loner, and also I'd be worried they'd prefer her and love her too much when they were adults and want to spend holidays with HER instead of with me, or something, I don't know what it would be but something like that. And if she was being Good Cop, I would have to hurt her. And it would compound the whole problem if she were younger/prettier/thinner than me, and I don't care if that's not good because there it is.
I don't know whether I'm pissed at the Gisele sitch or not because I don't know what's really going on. She could be really bad (deliberately cuddling the baby for photo ops but not other times, making mother-excluding remarks, using the child to kiss up to Tom) or she could be really awesome (loving the baby and enjoying caring for him, making the kind of unintentional dumbass remark everyone makes sometimes without meaning it how it sounds, causing Tom to be involved in the baby's life in a way he wouldn't otherwise have been).
Can we have lunch? Or, could u be my personal life coach? This post spoke volumes to me! Thank you, Thank you, thank you.
Unfortch, have to dorkily post this comment as anon, but wanted you to know how helpful your blog really is! PS - if you figure out who I am Ill give you one hundred dollars - jk :)
One of my favorite things about the blog world is getting perspectives on situations that I haven't personally dealt with - I hope it makes us all a little more compassionate, you know?
I think people's issue with Gisele was
1) Tom Brady seems like kind of a dick and she's with him.
2) That comment about thinking of him as her own. I see feeling it, not so much SAYING it.
3) Bridget Whatsherface totally looked like a hero mom in all that shiz.
But you are totally right.
Slynnro beat me to it - I was going to also say that to the extent people have a problem with Gisele, it's because of that comment about thinking of him as her own. She may have had the purest intentions in the world, but in my opinion, people saw it as excluding the mother, left by Tom while she was pregnant.
That being said, I agree with you in theory, but also think I would have a really hard time not feeling threatened to some degree by a great step mother my kids loved. At the same time, I would hate the bitch even more if she wasn't nice to my kids. So, to sum up, irrational and insecure, but TRYING!
I would absolutely want Sam's stepmother to love her, snuggle her and treat her with as much love as though she were her own. HOWEVER, as her mother, I get how that could be INSANELY ENVY-INDUCING, particularly when the custody arrangement did not favor me. And yes, in Tom Brady's situation, he and Gisele are all over the news as these wonderful! parent! figures! when there IS another person there who is completely forgotten, and probably a wonderful parent herself. I'm also sensitive to the fact that she has to see this -- her ex being DEIFIED and frolicking with her kid -- in the news, while Gisele is held up as a paragon of parenting as well. When dude. She is the kid's MOM and is likely an equally awesome parent. That's a punch in the gut right there, I think, no matter how good of a father he is.
My point in bringing that up, by the way, was because, and I didn't spell this out as clearly, for obvious reasons, I grew up in an extremely -- EXTREMELY -- abusive situation that manifested itself shortly after the divorce. It was brought on by unresolved feelings on both sides -- my mother's, my father's and my step-mother's -- that were born out of completely understandable circumstances and then completely mutilated and abused. For me to really get how things devolved to the point that they did, I had to think through every possible feeling each of them had through the course of the divorce and remarriage, which is what a lot of my post was about -- not seeing those feelings as necessarily universal, but seeing them as they were in the people involved in my life.
But, and this is important for me to say, and I think, to note: Every experience is different. For me, I was writing about MY feelings, and MY perspective on the situation, which is entirely different from your situation and from other people's situation, even though the circumstances may seem the same on the surface.
I don't think that divorce and single parenting can be painted with the same brush, and the comments of "How awful!" or "I cannot IMAGINE!" might be because those people have individual circumstances, failings or shortcomings that make such a situation seemingly intolerable. Like, uhhh, my parents.
Oh, and re: my first point, and your point about bristling seeing another woman love your child. Of course it'd be your issue, or my issue. But I think it's an important feeling to acknowledge and be aware of, which was my point in bringing it up. Not being aware of it? HOO BOY. That's a potential rathole of unresolved anger and bitterness that could manifest itself in the wrong place.
And by mentioning it and acknowledging it, it helped me to have empathy for my mom, and how she handled -- or mishandled -- certain situations. I don't think it makes me, or her, a small person.
Jonniker-I absolutely agree and want to make it clear that I was not disagreeing with anything you said. In fact, I really liked the post. I just had more to say than what I could leave in a comment.
Also, I probably didn't articulate this very well. There's a change of pace.
No no! I didn't take it personally, was just thinking through some more of my own Strong Feelings, and realized I couldn't say everything at the time, mostly because I was on my own site, where family reads. It was nice to be able to EXPAND without fear of DOOM.
AND! I thought of you while I wrote it, actually, and was hoping you'd have something to say.
I just love this whole exchange. You guys are so damn cool.
I'm a total lurker to both Jonniker's and Tess' site, but I also thought of Tess when I read Jonniker's post and was hoping she would chime in. I come from a family very familiar with divorce (parents, a few times over, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and on and on), and had only disdain and ridicule for anyone involved in divorcing, blending families, etc. Until I got married. And had my own baby. And started considering my own divorce. I don't know yet which direction my relationship will go, but boy oh boy do I have a new level of compassion for others. Happy, well-adjusted kids are the goal. The process of getting them there, even if it resembles making sausage, doesn't matter as much.
You know what ELSE? (OhmyGod, I should just SEND YOU AN EMAIL.)
Your point about only dating divorced guys is EXCELLENT and frankly, one that I wish my father would have heeded. So get this: He married a woman whose husband died, and whose (oh I can barely type it) second child (a girl, her first was a boy) was stillborn -- heartbreaking and awful, and created a life full of unfulfilled Daughter-parenting Dreams, you can imagine, yes? Enter little Jonna, by way of marriage, around the age of eight. Jonna's father does not want more children, so Jonna is the only daughter Stepmother will ever get.
I became, in a creepy kind of way, that daughter she never got to raise. And while that was alREADY a little disturbing, it was made infinitely more complex by the fact that she a) had no (live) baggage to bring to the marriage -- no custody arrangements to understand or navigate herself, no ex, etc.; and b) Therefore had COMPAHLETELY unreasonable expectations and comprehension of what a divorce and custody situation was really like for people who aren't on television.
She, of all people, made the situation the worst. And it was because of all of THOSE reasons, not that she was merely my stepmother. Rather, she was a freakin' NEWB at all this shit, and lacked the insight, empathy and understanding to be able to handle it appropriately.
I love her now, so very much, which amazes even me, every day. We're CLOSE now, if you can believe it (I cannot. And yet, she is a truly awesome person.) It took years and years and years, though, because wow, she really sucked at being the second wife in that situation. But again, I think it was her CIRCUMSTANCES that made it so difficult for her to grasp, and as an adult, it's very hard for me to not be understanding of that.
So, uhhh, WERD to dating divorced guys. Your logic is most excellent, and will serve you well, I think.
Hmm. Well. Strong feelings indeed!
I really don't know anything about Tom Brady but I did see someone who either said or inferred that he left his wife when she was pregnant? And if that's the case, than OMIG I feel for her. Which is why I want to second "R" because I am in that exact situation: My husband left me when I was 7 months pregnant and now he is marrying that woman, who will be step-mother to my daughter. And it is hard, but I am in a much, much better place today, 5 years after our split, and able to handle the recent engagement, much better than I would have even one year ago.
So I just try not to think of what a Wh*re future step-mom is and just remind myself that my daughter is happy, healthy and loved by all; she has only ever known this woman; and she is well taken care of when she is at her Dad's.
Also: Better her than me.
But I would definitely not enjoy seeing pictures of the three of them together, if you know what I mean.
Lastly: I'm with Tess on the divorced single Daddies thing.
Dude, the comments here should get their own post. I love this exchange. Totally fabulous. That is all.
Let me just say I will volunteer for castration duty of these dudes who are leaving their wives while pregnant, because wow, that is some serious douchebaggery. Ugh.
Absolutely.
I am a firm believer that families come in all sorts of shapes, sizes, makeups, etc. Insisting that the heteronormative nuclear family is the only "right" family causes so much unnecessary pain.
Here's to growing our families in the best way we know how!
I don't understand why some mothers hate the idea of their children bonding with other women, either. I blame it on insecurity about their own relationshop with their child.
But then, what do I know, I'm not a parent.
Oh Tess, Oh Tess, Oh TESS. I can't help but smile, and look back to say 15 months ago, when you went MIA from the stream of blog fans that were sympathetic to your recent news of Divorce. {shudder-glad you guys didn't have 8 kids and a reality show}
Anywho, my have you grown! And you seem to have come out on the other side of divorce a "well balanced" single woman who has her head on straight. (yes dear, you can forward this post to your mother if you wish)
Love reading your Strong Thoughts.
Oh, yeah, one last Strong Feeling...dudes leaving pregnant wives. Not that I would watch that as a reality show, I so totally would not...but, isn't that like a new TLC show? When Jon leaves pregnant Hailee for another younger chick, because he's tired of all the diapers and toddlers? Guest spots by Tom and any others? Oh, I'm in a dark mood today. Sorry, my bad self coming through.
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