Last night I picked up Ava from school, and on the way home we saw Carlos and his girlfriend running. We were stopped at a stop sign, and they ran literally right in front of us. Ava didn't see him, but I did, so I waved, and rolled down the window on her side so she could say hi.
He was obviously uncomfortable and nervous, but he introduced me to his girlfriend. I've known her name for a while (thanks Facebook), plus the odd tidbit Google could provide, but not much else about her. But I know one thing: she's not a mom.
Because right after Carlos introduced her, she leaned through the window into the backseat of my car and gave Ava a kiss. And that's how I know.
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56 comments:
Uffda
I... *what*?
Oy..... fucking vey.
Oy..... fucking vey.
Oh, my gut. It is wrenched.
A ridiculousness only a mother can understand.
Ooof.
I would have had to work SO HARD not to react badly to that. I acually felt this hiss releasing from my teeth like steam or something as soon as I read what she did. So, um, can't imagine how I'd do in person. Yikes.
Hmmm... that's no good at all.
No. she did. not. No. nononononononNO.
I am seething. Because that? was... I mean, did Carlos even give (HIS OWN DAUGHTER) a kiss? (And even if he DID).
Just. NO.
My stomach sank. I can't handle the idea of this just yet. I think I probably would have stepped on the gas and said to hell with the small chance of decapitating her....
I am sputtering over here. I can't believe she did that. You don't have to be a mother to have even a tiny bit of a clue of how not to be a thoughtless asshole.
Ugh. I'm not even a mom (yet) and that bugs me for you. And also, WTF? Shouldn't she be hanging back kind of awkwardly instead of leaning through the car window? I would have been tempted to drive off while she was doing that, except I suppose it might have been traumatic for Ava.
Um, wow. So thoughtless. Sorry Tess.
Coming back to say, Carlos has Facebook? He's not afraid of the intuhnet predatahs?
Um, add me to the list of decapitators.
My heart is breaking just a little bit over this.
But at least we know that we officially HATE THAT BITCH.
Ah. That felt good.
I don't think she meant any harm by it. I have positive feelings for her in general, based on the way Ava talks about her and on the limited amount of information I know about her (she's an ESL teacher in the Teach for America program).
However, as a mom I would NEVER do that, at least the very first time I met someone. Especially on HER turf.
Anyway, I think I handled it well. I smiled and told her it was nice to meet her and to have a good run.
I don't think I'm deluding myself when I say I'm really not jealous. I have what appears to be a unique viewpoint on this, due to my own mothers positive relationship with my stepmother.
But yeah, it's hard. No doubt.
Damn.
Based on my experience with this - it might have less to do with her not being a mother and more to do with her being a petty/insecure asshole. Bad combo, either way.
Man. She might even have been thinking she was doing a THOUGHTFUL thing--you know, showing The Mom how wonderful she thinks her kid is. And forgetting about the awkward.
Still. Heart in the right place isn't really enough.
Oh man, I might stir some SHIT UP in this hizzouse right now, but I have to say this - I'm single and childless, and probably would have done the same thing without thinking twice about it. Well maybe not leaning into someone else's car - but definitely if I met them walking on a street, or in a store. No malice or insult intended - it's just how I am. And if the mom had a problem with it, I'd be totally open to apologies where appropriate, but honestly? It didn't even cross my mind to perceive this as a bad thing.
I'm not understanding the drama (I don't mean to discount the emotional stress it caused, believe me). I hope the GF is just clueless like I am, and not *actually* an asshole.
Hmm. This is a toughie.
Yeah, as a non-mom myself (with many MANY mom friends/relatives), I have to err on the side of "she thought she was being NICE." Clueless, but nice.
ew, weird! Uncomfortable!
I think you have a good attitude on it. I'm gonna have to be in the minority and cut her some slack--even though my first inclination might also be to hit the gas a little.
I hope she's just clueless and not a mom. And in the grand scheme of making the best of a sucky situation, that's probably one of the least harmful qualities a person could have (maybe not in how it pertains to you, but to Ava). At least she didn't say, "Oh no, you have crumbs on your face, Ava" and reach in the back seat to wipe them off. In my mind, anyway, that would show a lot more to be worried about.
Does that make any sense? Not trying to downplay how tough it all must be...
My held breath, which started at seeing them out running, came out in a PUH when I got to the part about the kiss. I read your comments first and see that a few people think you're saying she's BAD for doing this (despite your comment to the contrary) but all you said was that it shows you she's not a mom. Which is what it shows me too: unintentional thoughtlessness that was---despite its unintendedness---nevertheless a sock in the gut for you.
I doubt she thought she was being nice, though.
Jamie, I'm glad you commented, because I agree. I DON'T think she meant any harm, and may have thought she was doing something kind (or just not thought at all).
However, I don't believe a mother would have done the same thing.
Also, I have perspective on her side too, as I am also dating a man with children. I am fortunate that their mother is very understanding. However, I would act completely towards Tosc's kids around her (especially in her home or her car) than I do when we're alone, out of deference for her position as their mother. I do this because I understand what it's like.
However. I think Carlos' girlfriend is in a tough spot. I empathize with her (DAMN YOU EMPATHY) because she is young and childless and never-been-married. It must be hard for her.
I'm very interested in these comments because I'm childless, but have step-kids.
I can see how it could be a nice gesture - harmless - but I can also see how it could be petty and mean. Depends on the situation and the dynamics, etc. First time meeting? I am going to err on the petty/insecure/establishing role side.
Ok, will stop now. Yes, I can make anything about ME. Very interesting, though.
Sarah, I'm glad you commented too, to give your perspective.
I sort of think the difference might be age/experience. Not sure how long you've been a stepmom, but at this age you seem much more enlightened and mature than I perceive her to be. (Based on WHAT? My obsessive monitoring of your blog? Gah).
Anyway. I just feel for her, because I don't know that I would have been interested in diving into this kind of BS as a single, childless 20-something.
Especially not for HIM. Heh. (And I was doing SO WELL with the high road!)
Not cool.
What Mandy wrote. Uff da.
gah. i wouldn't have known this was bad, either. i mean, i've never found myself in this situation so i *think* i'd probably hang back from the car just becuase i'd be all "OMG EX WIFE! AWK".. but i don't know that i would have known exactly what the right way to adapt my behavior toward the kid would be. i'd probably want to make sure the mom knew that i liked her kid / had a good relationship with her? so that she knew ava wasn't being mistreated or something? i don't know. total speculation, since i've never been there.
Lordy...Tess I give you mad props for not beheading her and being as cool about this as you are, which I totally get because my mom and step-mom are friends.
I can say that before kids I wouldn't understand the reactions listed..but as a mom..oh man...my reply was " OH NO SHE DIDN'T"..which had a few people at work perk up their ears...
YOU are very cool. Reading this makes me feel a bit stabby.
Ouch.
So...you guys would rather The Girlfriend acted frosty and standoffish with a kid she obviously has a history with and great affection for? Texxie is the child's mother and no amount of affection from a girlfriend is going to change that. High road is the only way to go.
Unless she's a bitch, which it does not appear she is, I'm sure she meant no harm and it seems you feel that is the case. But DEFINITELY heart-wrenching for you. A nice hello to Ava without the kiss would have been more appropriate and less gut-twisting. She seems to like Ava, though, so it could be SO MUCH WORSE. :)
Only a non-mom would not know that she might as well flip you the bird.
I don't kiss people's kids other than my own. If I were single, I would certainly not be kissing the child of a person I was dating who I just met for the first time in front of said child's mom.
Ugh.
Ergg. First, I think it shows that you are a good Mom that *you* wouldn't do this, Tessie, and I love you all the more for it. I don't have kids, but I think I can understand why that would be a stab in the heart EVEN THOUGH you know it's better she reach in to kiss your kid rather than to, you know, scold her or HIT her or something (EXAGGERATION FOR EMPHASIS). And you have said yourself that you empathize with her, don't think it was intentional, ETC.
My husband's mom and stepmom have an incredibly toxic relationship (EVEN AFTER 30 YEARS, OH MY GOD GET OVER IT YOU ARE ACTING LIKE CHILDREN). It's...bad. And it breaks my heart for the kid my husband was, and for what he went through. I just want to say that this situation you experienced tears at my heart strings. I know that they would both do something like this intentionally and without hesitation, because they hate each other and are actually that spiteful. So despite how painful this was for you, my point is, I am so glad for Ava that she has a Mom who loves her and a potential stepmother who seems to care about her - even though she's not up on the 'etiquette'.
xoxo
I meant, you know, and both Ava's Mom and potential stepmom/dad's girlfriend are at least TRYING even if ONE OF THEM is fumbling a bit.
Sorry, my heart strings was to-ah wickit bad, couldn't get the wuhhhds out.
oof. I believe and sincerely hope she didn't mean anything by it but 1) I can't imagine doing that if I was in her shoes and had never met you 2) the idea of someone else loving on my kids in a similar situation just makes me a bit (lot)nauseous . . .
Oh. That literally knocked the wind out of me. I am sorry.
I hope she just wanted you to know that she cares for Ava, not that she is competing. However, if I were in your shoes I would have a hard time swallowing that.
You handled it much better than I would have.
ay-yi-yi.
I don't know her, so I can't say if what she did was completely thoughtless or she was trying to show off. But I would not kiss my boyfriend's child if I was meeting her mother for the first time. in a car. after I had been running.
You're right: She's not a mom, so she doesn't get it. Maybe she was trying to sock you in the gut on purpose, making you jealous. Or maybe she thought she was being nice by showing you how much she cared for your child. Either way, a real mother would not have done that.
I would have killed somebody if my ex's gfriend did that in the beginning. Now he's her fiance and my daughter hugs her and it's fine. I'm actually at the point where I'd RATHER my daughter hug her future step-mom than completely ignore her.
As a childless 20-something dating a divorced 30-something with two 3-somethings, who also happens to be a child of a bitter divorce, where do I start?!
I remember very well my first Encounter with The Ex, at which the kids happened to be present (and on his turf). I'm going to go on a limb and say the girl was probably feeling super awkward and has likely replayed all aspects of this encounter over and over in her head. I know I did after the fact. "Should I have shook her hand or not? Should I have hugged the kids or waited until she left? Should she have come barreling into his house like it was hers, or am I being petty?" It is a fine line of establishing mutual respect and recognizing boundaries. If it were me, I would have waved hi and kept a little distance.
I commend you Tess for taking the high road and being more dedicated to Ava's cause than your own battles. I really admire your ability to put your own hangups aside for the sake of knowing your child is in good hands. Wish everyone could be as mature as you... and also, as funny!!!
UGH. That would have driven me out of my mind!
I guess if you think about it from Ava's side though, this is someone who cares enough to show her affection. Better than someone who will ignore her when she is over at Carlos' place.
And then you ran her ass over, right? RIGHT??
GAH! What a douchebag!
My respect for you is oozing because you handled it with such grace (and the re-telling of it, too). You can appreciate she's kind to your daughter, which is the most important thing, of course, but I completely get your point here.
I'd cut that bitch.
I'm torn, being a step-mom and a mom, I have both perspectives...but being a step mom has been a definet crimp on who I really am. I try to not be obtrusive, kinda hide in the background instead of making myself known.
and I always promote thier listening to thier mother. Lame.
But, I sure would have like to "accidentally" laid my hand on the auto window button, and have scrunched her pucker up in the window as it rolled up. That's just me, my badness leaking out of an otherwise nice guy.
P.S. YOU ROCK on the HIGH Road you emotional cripple flunkie you.
Uh, ok Gisele. EEK.
This is precisely why I would not be able to handle the post divorce dating. You have a very fresh perspective, but I would have seen it as having my territory peed all over.
I'm totally in agreement with Jane. Having been a stepmom before I was a real mom, it was important to me that the 'real' mom knew her daughter was treated well and with affection and consideration. After I had my own child and then divorced, now I am relieved to know my son's stepmother likes him and treats him just as affectionately as she does her own biological sons. That gives me a lot of relief to know that when he is with her and his dad, he doesn't feel left out or singled out by her as an annoyance. The high road truly is the only way to go.
PS as to the comments about overstepping territories, really now. I think your own kid knows that his/her true mother comes first. I have always explained to mine that divorce may not be what he wants as far as his parents living under the same roof, but think of all the opportunities he has to have more people THAT LOVE AND CARE FOR HIM in his life! If you look at the glass as half full then you are sure to come out on top.
Of course, this only applies to stepmoms that aren't evil, conniving bitches. Luckily I don't have that sort of situation so I AM ALL FOR FOSTERING/ENCOURAGING the great relationship that exists.
Some day my kid will grow up and appreciate me for it, too.
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