Jess is showing us her body today, and talking about how to handle comments on her weight loss, which reminds me that I haven't talked much about The Policy lately! OH DEAR.
Many of you know that I (obnoxiously) try to follow A Policy on weight talk. I don't do it. I don't participate in it or encourage it from others. I don't comment on my body or the bodies of others, or on what/how much people eat. I avoid Making A Big Deal out of food, especially in front of my daughter.
So, that's all well and good (and obnoxious), but I've gotten some questions on the practical application of The Policy. And, I'm curious what YOU typically do in these situations, or what you WISH you did. Here's what I do:
Example 1: Weight Talk directed at me
If someone makes a well-meaning comment on my body size ("you're so TINY!"), or a weight change ("wow, you were really skinny in this picture!"), my tactic is to agree in a way that makes it clear that I assign no value to it as a compliment/insult. I don't say "thank you" or "ARE YOU SAYING I'M FAT NOW?", even in a joking way. I just say "you're right" or "I guess so". Same when OTHERS make comments about their own weight. I might say "huh" or "really" or "you always look great", but I won't say "you lost weight, that's awesome!" or "OMG SHUT UP YOU'RE SO SKINNY". Etc. I find that neutral agreement also has the effect of shutting down any further weight-related talk.
Example 2: Assigning food or food behaviors as "Bad" or "Good"
This drives me nuts. Major pet peeve. Especially the whole "I was bad/I was good/I splurged/I behaved" thing. NO NO NO NO NO. I never, ever say anything like this. If you do, I will not say anything, but I WILL WANT TO. Especially if you say "splurge". I HATE THAT WORD.
Anyway. Tangent. Along these lines, when I'm around my daughter I also don't categorize foods as "good for you/bad for you" or "healthy/unhealthy". If, for example, I am eating a salad, it's because "mommy loves salad" (true, incidentally). Not because salad is good for us. I don't eat candy because "mommy doesn't like candy". The most I will EVER say in terms of valuing food is that something (pop, gum, etc) is "not for kids" or will "give you a tummyache". If I have to choose between eating a certain food (say, fast food) in front of Ava or explaining why I'm NOT eating the food, I will just eat the food.
Don't get me wrong. Whenever I have the opportunity to choose what she eats ahed of time, I make what I feel is the best choice. But if she is involved or present, I always try to go with Don't Make a Big Deal. I never deny or limit any food based on nutrition. I don't praise her for eating or not eating certain things. I don't go on and on and ON about how "healthy" fruits and vegetables are. We just eat them, without comment. Etc.
This is controversial, and probably a little nutty-slash-extreme. I know. I understand why some people DO categorize food for educational purposes. And I definitely have opinions on what is healthy and not healthy, nutrition-wise. For me, though, the benefit of Not Making a Big Deal About Food outweighs the benefit of education, and even the benefit of better nutrition. You can learn the basics of good nutrition in a few days. Good attitudes toward food and giving it the proper amount of headspace (i.e. very little)...NOT SO MUCH. Therefore, I would much rather model MENTALLY healthy habits (without comment).
I ALSO fully realize that I am just one of many influences on my daughter as a female. She is fully capable of forming her raging food and body issues from TV and magazines and insentive jackasses, just like the rest of us. All I'm saying is: I'll be GODDAMNED if she's going to learn that shit from me. The End.
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27 comments:
What you say makes sense. I should take heed. It is slightly harder, though, to NOT comment on things such as these when we have made a transformation in the way we approach food/healthy eating at our house, ya know. My girls are 7 and 9 and they want to KNOW why I'm no longer buying the Cosmic Brownies! They see Mama exercising now, where they have never seen that before...it's all new and different and needs explanation.
That being said, I DO see the effects it is having on them and I don't like it. It is in no way GOOD for them to mention/think about their own weight when they are perfectly average, thin even. Ugh.
All that to say...good points! But I wonder how *I* can undo what may have already been done?!
I can totally see how, if you had to make a dramatic change and your kids were older, it would be really hard to NOT Make a Big Deal.
I wish we could be friends in real life. How creepy is that for an opener?
Because I hate the splurge/I've been so bad/I've been so good/I need to lose weight/I lost 10 pounds thing. And it seems that I am the only one around me like this. Everyone else is all "oooh, I shouldn't have that cupcake but scarf, scarf, scarf--giggle, oops!" Whereas I just eat it, no apologies, no comment. When/if my jeans get tight it's between me and my Calvins (as I'm pretty sure that's all Brooke Shields was inferring back in 1980).
However, I do assign good nutrition/bad nutrition attributes to my daughter. Still, I think we could be friends. FRIENDS WHO NEVER/SELDOM TALK ABOUT FOOD AND WEIGHT AS THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY 10,074 OTHER MORE INTERESTING THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.
Thanks for this post. I have a new(ish) baby girl and I am already worried about body issues way more than I have worried about anything for her two brothers. Girls are just different in this aspect. I think it's a really good idea to put a moratorium on body talk around the house, because lord knows they will hear it/see it everywhere else.
Thanks Tess!
This makes total sense- so many places to learn body craziness in our culture, let's not start it at home. But the thing I wonder about this is how/when it would become time to intervene if the not-talking resulted in a pattern of health-jeopardizing behavior.
My parents didn't make a big deal about food AT ALL when I was little, and we ate everything, fruits and veggies and Quarter Pounders and cake, and it was all fine. But then as I got older, and spent more time out of the house, I ate more of the things I liked more- like the Quarter Pounders and cake. Clearly eating those things at the exclusion of fruits and vegetables is not a Good Long Term Strategy. But my mom's intervention (well-intentioned, I think now, though it took me a LONG TIME to see it that way) as a teenager effed me up in the head a lot. I wonder if it would have been less mind-effing if it had been part of the conversation all along? Or if there is a way to prevent a 15 year old from hearing "you're fat" when her mom tries to talk about long term health. Hard to say, but I wonder.
Would there ever be a point where, if Ava started to demonstrate consistently health-jeopardizing patterns, you'd feel like you had to do something, or would the Policy prevail?
If Long Term Health is code for "weight", which, let's be honest, IT USUALLY IS, then my answer is, unequivocably, NO.
No no NO. HELL NO. I will never comment on her weight, for any reason, at any age, EVER.
I love this. And you. And the practical implementation tips. I hope hope hope to lead by example with this, eating healthy but not obsessively, getting lots of physical activity but not hitting the gym every day, and not blathering on and on about it at length. Though I do think that at some point it will need to be discussed, because it will come from other people and I expect that when that happens my kids will turn to me (and Torsten) to ask questions.
So I guess that's what I'm wondering, with you. What will you do when Ava gets to the age where people start talking about it? I was in third grade, I believe, when kids in my class started teasing me about being fat. What if she sees that happening at school and asks you about it? Or if she were refusing all nutritious food, or never wanted to do anything but sit in front of the TV? I would really like to know how you would handle situations like these, especially as she gets older and it's harder to "re-frame" things in a context that you are comfortable with.
As far as what happens when I'm not around, I don't control that. Unforch. I KNOW she will experience food/weight talk, because I know her DAD does that shit. If she asks me about it, I will be clear in my stance that it is NOT OK to talk about other people's bodies, and that's all I can do.
As far as forcing her to eat healthy and exericse, in my opinion we can never really do that at any age. All I can do is provide a certain kind of environment, and she can either participate, or not.
If you're asking whether I will FORCE her to exercise or to eat certain things, definitely not.
So what if she starts asking questions about why people are fat, and she's a little too old to just hear "everyone's body is different"? Or what if she starts making comments like "Oh I'm so fat" or "If I eat that, I'll get fat" or whatever? Would you say something or would you apply the Neutral Don't Get Involved principle?
I actually think that the proper answer to "why some people are fat", at any age, IS that "everyone's body (slash mind, slash situation) is different".
As far as negative comments about her OWN body, I would treat those the same way as I treat comments on OTHER PEOPLE'S bodies: they are not ok, and not allowed, at least around me.
i was disappointed to learn there wasn't ACTUAL bawdy talk going on, as in lascivious chatter ;-)
my parents talked a lot about what foods were healthier for us, and why it was important to make sure we got enough of those foods mixed in with everything else. they had a ridic skinny kid on their hands(me) and a ballet dancer (my sister) who they were trying to steer away from anorexia, though, so i suspect they never really had to deal with the "bad foods = you'll get too fat" angle of everything.
As a dietitian who worked in eating disorders for a few years I would say that you have it exactly right. It is what I plan to do with my children, too.
Especially the not going on and on about what is healthy...that seems like the quickest path towards getting your kid to avoid a food out of the natural urge to rebel.
So, in conclusion: WOOT!
Very interesting! Thanks for sharing.
WOOOOOOOOT.
My son just asked me awhile ago why I jog and/or exercise in other ways and I've found the most comfortable (and true) response I can give him is that I do it because I want to be strong and I like it (sort of - but he doesn't need to know that part). That seemed to satisfy him and he hasn't mentioned it since.
I never make comments about weight if I can help it and I tend to hate it when people mention mine. I've had a lot of people ask if I'm losing weight and instead of making me feel good it just makes me feel like everyone cares to much about my ass size.
As for food - we don't typically say things are good or bad. We do say that there are some things your body really likes and some things that are "treats" and we don't eat them as often. There isn't anything off limits in our house, there isn't anything we won't eat or allow them to choose at a restaurant. Typically we don't even go that much into what's really good for your body - right now we don't need to since our kids are more likely to eat fruits and vegetables than candy or sweets. O ate about 3 pieces of halloween candy and promptly forgot all about it . . . His favorite foods are broccoli and mushrooms (both of which I remember HATING as a kid)WTH?
Hear, hear!
For the most part, I am absolutely with you. I can foresee that I might emphasize a little more low-key healthy eating ("We try to eat some fruits and vegetables every day because they are good for us.") because that was lacking in my childhood, but I am so, so, so with you on not assigning "good" vs. "bad" to food or body size. I have become hyper-aware of how many times a day I say negative things about my body (especially now that I'm pregnant and not at all pleased with my appearance) and I'm working so hard to correct it. My daughter doesn't need to hear it and, you know what? Neither do I.
My mother did the exact same thing with me. I don't think I ever once was told not to eat something because it wasn't healthy or good or whatever. My mother never discussed her weight, or mine or anyone else's. She always modeled good eating habits, but never had anything negative to say or even positive, really.
I appreciate it all that much more now that I'm an adult and hear my friend's and their mothers discussing where they are fat and what diet they are on this week. People tell me about their parents making comments on their size and putting them on diets and I am so glad my mother never did any of those things.
I love The Policy. How did you arrive at The Policy? Was it a conscious decision after having a girl-child and not wanting her to have body issues? Or was it in place before you had Ava?
I love the policy. I think, for the most part, we unconciously follow it. We don't talk about good/bad foods, but we do make a distinction between "everyday" foods and "sometimes" foods. Sometimes foods aren't bad or forbidden, they're just not going to be served all the time.
My daughter does know the difference between "healthy snacks" and "junky snacks." And she knows she has to eat something healthy before she gets something junky. I also eat salad all the time in front of her, and she will tell you that salad is my favorite food but no, i don't go on about WHY I'm eating it; I just say, "I like salad" (which I do. Also: easy to prepare).
But I DO make a very conscious effort to NEVER make comments about my own body in front of her - good or bad. And I don't comment on her body unless she does first. (i.e. "Mommy, why is my tummy so big?" [it's not] I'll say, "Because that's the way God made you, and your tummy is perfect just the way it is."
I ESPECIALLY DESPISE/RESIST/GO BALLISTIC if anyone makes a comment to me about what I'm choosing to eat or eating, good or bad, and this comes from my controlling ex-husband who commented on every single fucking thing I put in my mouth FOR YEARS (True but sad story). Likewise, I NEVER comment on what other people decide to eat/not eat. Because I despise it when it's done to me, so do unto others....
I think a lot of people have food issues one way or another; some are more extreme than others; but in general I like The Policy of Not Commenting, esp. when it comes to others' choices.
Also, I will say one more thing: My mother has 6 sisters and three of them (THAT's HALF!) have anorexia/bullemia. And there can be drawn a direct correlation from Comments of Their Father to their Current Body Situation. That's all I'm saying. V. sad, if you ask me. (Of course, predisposition also goes with it/personality type as the other three girls do not have such issues).
I used to have a boss who thought he was being nice to me by remarking that I must have lost a few pounds.
No one understood why this made me uncomfortable. Like stop focusing on my weight so much.
That said, if I notice that someone is working hard at losing weight, I will say something, like in a "good job" sort of way.
i love this post!!! i hope i'm able to model this with my future children, thanks for sharing. i recently wrote a similar post . it may be a little sweary :)
I stopped to read your blog just from the title alone: I swear to God, a team of newborn MONKEYS could come up with better blog titles. It had me rolling!
In regards to this particular post, a good attitude indeed is what can shape the outlook of food in the future. As a child I was told by one grandfather that there were starving people in other countries and I had better finish my food. The other would proudly announce I was a member of The Clean Plate Club. It was no secret why I always finished my plate with the latter.
Three cheers for YOU! If I had to have one little bit of regret that I've had as a mom, it was not to pay attention to proper nutrition, while raising my children. We ate junk, we ate what we wanted, and I knew nothing about proper nutrition (or fruits and veggies) My adult children are on thier own, and I eat a hell of alot healthier than I did when I was 30. Thier struggle is to learn how to manage thier weight and eat non junk food. I feel particulariliy bad by the bad influence I was and I cannot change it. Did I make them feel bad about thier choices? Absolutely not! I myself ate crap too. It's just taken me a while to learn to eat balanced and learn to like to exercise.
I can't ever remember my own mother remarking on anyone's body. And I have possibly the fewest negative feelings about my body of anyone I know. This was true when I was rail thin (through no particular effort), and is still true that I am a person who looks like she had three kids in her thirties.
Would I like not to have a pooch? I guess, but really I can't be bothered to care much. I have too much on my plate to get involved with specialized pooch-reducing exercises, even though I generally enjoy exercise.
I think of this as a gift from my mom, and I am so grateful.
I also never comment on anyone's bodies, or what they are eating. If for no other reason, it seems rude.
I have another Policy - I don't comment on anybody's appearance at all. Although I believe that my children are the most beautiful creatures in the world, I never comment on their looks, and never say anything more than thank you to those who do.
One of my daughters is STUNNING (people -even strangers-comment on it to me ALL the time, fortunately not so often when she can hear it) and the other one is more in the normal part of the pretty spectrum (and rarely gets compliments).
I don't want to the outlandishly beautiful one to be aware of how pretty she is until the last possible moment - I think it is hard for pretty girls not equate their beauty and their worth, since they hear about the beauty so much, but rarely get random comments on their spatial reasoning skills, excellent vocabularies, or any other facet of their being other than their appearance.
Plus, of course, I don't want my other daughter to think that she is less worthy because she is less striking, and gets fewer comments.
My own mother never commented on my looks either - positive or negative - and I think it worked out well for me and my sisters.
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