I'm still looking for a new employee, and let me tell you this: I am SO GLAD I'm not looking for a job right now. It's been several years since I had to hire someone, and I didn't realize what a DICK I've become in the meantime! I've read literally a hundred cover letters and resumes, and discarded nearly as many for the most minor of "infractions," up to and including:
*Douchey-sounding name, such as Arthur Cooper Worthington III.
*Prominently-listed sorority involvement. I don't think so, Buffy.
*Inexplicably unsettling sentence "flow" (???)
*MENSA membership. Honestly.
*Clear Texas A&M superfan status. No. I am NOT UP FOR THAT, so sorry.
And these are BESIDES the obvious spelling/grammar errors, wacky email addresses, and not-so-subtle indications that English is a second language.
I've even been judging people based on their ADDRESSES! Which I'm sure is a great idea, but whatever. Don't put it on there! Is that so effing hard? What do I need your address for anyway? Telegram inviting you to an interview? Pfft. Don't think I won't Google Earth that shit, either.
Well, anyway. Can't wait to get going on the face-to-face interviews, since I'm SO AWESOME at being Formal and Appropriate. Gawd. I'll end up walking each person out to their car while casually asking the Super Secret Questions:
*Do you drink, and if so, what's your poison?
*What kind of music do you plan on listening to, and exactly what decibel level do you consider a "reasonable volume"?
*The Office: Funny or Idontgettit?
*Larry The Cable Guy: Funny or Idontgettit?
*On a scale of 1-10, what is your level of offense at my "I Wish I Were Dead" coffee mug? What about my "Meetings: none of us is as dumb as all of us" poster?
Aaand, that's basically all I need to know, right there.
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
I swear to God, a team of newborn MONKEYS could come up with better blog titles.
13 comments:
In my office, I have a small poster of a soaked bird walking out of the ocean and underneath the picture, it says, "Fuck it. I'm going home."
Am I hired?
I would like to come work for you, please. Except that I live in Northern MN, and wouldn't that be a bitch of a commute?
I'll answer the questions anyway, because it's the end of the day and I cannot think about insurance for one more minute or my head will explode.
-Yes. Bud Light/Hard Cider/Other not heavy beers (no IPAs please). I like vodka in my mixed drinks.
-I like pretty much all kinds of music, but if I was sharing an office I would either ask what you want to listen to and listen to that or not listen to anything. I have to admit, though, I currently have a Taylor Swift seeded Pandora station (that plays a lot of Train and Jack Johnson too) going. Reasonable is enough to hear what son it is, but I can talk over it without shouting, and everyone can hear themselves on the phone.
-I like The Office, but I don't like Michael. Just too uncomfortable for me.
-I mostly don't get Larry The Cable Guy, even though my family thinks he's HILARIOUS.
-I don't take offense to pretty much anything, and I love Demotivational posters. I want one for my cube wall, actually, but I can't decide if my bosses would think I was being insubordinate or not.
So what you're saying is my two "Howdy" signs, two Bonfire pics, bottled Bonfire ashes for 1995-1998, three Aggie frames with pics, my diploma, and my Aggie koozie (yes, all items in my office) might just qualify me as a Texas A&M superfan? And you wouldn't want me to work for you? Geez.
I agree whole-heartedly on the douchy names and sorority involvement though.
I can't wait for interview stories!
My supervisor refuses to interview anyone with III or something after their name. Her argument is that it's not his fault his parents named him that, it's his fault for putting it on his resume.
My favorite thing on any resume we've ever received for a job that required a graduate degree was someone put "Prom King: runner up" under awards. Hilarious.
I wanna play!
Yes! Coors Light and Cosmos (bc I can sometimes be klassy)
Don't get The Office
Love Larry the Cable Guy
Listen to Classic Rock and Old Country. Would probably use one ear bud (so only I can hear but will still be able to hear my surroundings-but if you piss me off Id probably wear both of them)
Mug doesn't bother me and I hate sports.
Hired? Too bad I'm in Tennessee.
OK, you need to bring in your "I can't stand your bullshit" cross stitch too, just so they know what kind of boss you are (not).
Also, they need to be grilled on their use of adding machine tape, FTLOG. You don't want some fucking tapeaholic in your earshot.
Gawd, this made me laugh so hard.
I have a solution. Just sayin.
I drink. Prob more than I should. I like wine and vodka. And sometimes bourbon. Never gin - If I want to taste juniper I'll just lick a pine tree or chew on some sap.
I am musically schizophrenic. Depends on my mood. Volume level is such that I can hear it, but no one else can. That way they can't all make fun of my shitty taste in music.
Lastly, I would steal your mug for my own.
My email address is stupid but I didnt pick it.
English is my second language. Sarcasm is my native tongue.
Funny, I spent the last hour responding to emails for my "PART TIME NANNY" posting (no not on Craiglist pipe down). Which means that now I have to review resumes and call references and meet people at coffee shops....BLEH!
It should be REQUIRED that your new assistant be familiar with someecards.com and have at least three items of merchandise from their store.
Ahh! I love Mandy's someecards idea. A wonderful screening process.
I kind of want to stab Larry the Cable Guy in the throat with a fork. Am I hired?
I love the interview process!!! Brings out all the personal oddities of perspective colleagues. ha....it's just a crap shoot anyway. Because who shows up for the interview process is NOT who reports to work later. They are all dressed up and polished, and then later all the crud comes raining down.
I seriously don't think it judgy to weed out wierd addresses or funky cute nicknames etc. Come ON, you gotta work with them!
I love to ask open ended thought provoking interview questions, and then watch the font of wierd information come tumbling out...sometimes tears too!
I once had someone come in, shake my hand and say..."hello my name is so and so, and I am a religious fanatic"....SCORE!
I opened the conference room door to a very tall young lady carrying a screaming toddler. She thought that it be best not to miss the interview if she couldn't find a sitter. She dropped his pacifier, and asked me to go wash it off for her....SCORE!
I actually had someone bring me thier letter of recommendation, some certificates for education and thier probation papers for a felony that was "all a terrible mistake, I was young".
Love interviews, have to have the time to really sift through them. If you don't, well, you could hire someone, who may expect to bring her baby to work when the sitter doesn't show up and then pray over your desk when you have to give her an evaluation!
Please share any wierd interview stories...LOVE THEM.
Wait - address on your resume is bad?!?! Is this common knowledge among those hiring for jobs - I've been doing it wrong!
Oh, so THIS is why my husband spent 6 months out of work. He has the douchey name and is in MENSA.
Good to know.
Post a Comment