I can't think of anything good to say.
The kindergarten issue is mostly resolved, with Ava registered at our neighborhood school and the twins registered (in different classrooms) at the school near their mom's house. One of the girls is completely freaked out at the idea of separating, whereas I think the other is actually looking forward to it. Twin parents, is that typical? What do you do if one twin LOVES her class, and the other HATES hers? GAH!
Ava and I did the orientation thing at her school. I chose to attend the session that was held at 1:30pm, and I sort of wish I hadn't (there was an evening option also). I'm pretty sure I was one of the only WOH parents there, and everyone else seemed to know each other. HOW? Older kids? I felt awkward and out of place and wicked overdressed (I was in my work clothes). Uch. I HATE HATE HATE to feed any of the mommywars bullshit, but the truth is I did not feel comfortable. What IS that?
In Ava's "parent/teacher conference" (at fucking DAYCARE *HUGE EYEROLL*), her teacher told us that she often plays by herself, and that we should encourage her to "reach out to new friends".
HA! Yes, I'm clearly the person for THAT job.
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I can only really speak to the how they know each other thing - if we were to start kindergarten know I would know a lot of the parents through a MOMS Club that I'm in, plus preschool, plus other classes that we've done with families in the area.
It's awful that you didn't feel comfortable. Is it just that they knew each other so it was harder to break into the group? And that you'll be part of that group once all of your kids are in school together? Or am I too naive for words?
I don't know WTF my problem was!
I guess I just didn't expect to feel like an outsider before school even STARTS? I think some of the moms (I said parents but there weren't any dads there)(WTF DADS?) know each other from older siblings who attended the school, and some from preschool, and others probably from other groups like the one you mentioned.
I'm obviously not very plugged in to my neighborhood/community (THANK GAWD), and also in my current situation all of the moms I interact with WOH, by default, since it's a daycare sitch. But while our kids attend daycare together, we don't live in the same area so I guess we're at a disadvantage there as far as knowing other people going in to the school system.
I don't know. No one was RUDE or anything, but to be perfectly honest, in my current world, all moms work, and so this is my first exposure to the uncomfortable feeling that there are two separate groups.
NO Dads there? WTH?
What's wrong with wanting to play by yourself, anyway? hmph
Get used to that outsider feeling. I only now know some of the other parents from birthday parties and the occasional after school event. I can't be involved in anything to do with helping in the school, classroom or field trips. I don't even drop my kindergarten kid off or pick her up from school (she goes from 12:50 to 3:20 PM). Maggie has been invited to birthday parties on the mornings of school days - Homer or I end up taking a half-day off so she doesn't miss out. It sucks.
I stay at home and I am ALWAYS uncomfortable at school. I only have one other mom I talk to (and I am not even kidding). I am not a joiner, and honestly? The moms at school (my school NOT every school, I know this) are not so nice to me. So, for someone who can strike up a conversation with a random stranger on a train, I have an issue playing nice with the other moms at school. I don't know what my problem is either - I just know I feel uncomfortable and I don't want to be there for anything other than to get my girl.
I'm with Devan, what is wrong with her playing by herself? I was so damned glad when my son finally mastered the art of playing by himself for a decent period of time. There is no way in hell I'd even suggest to him that's something I didn't totally appreciate. He makes plenty of friends too, but let's face it, they're not at our house at 6:30 am on Saturday when he needs to entertain himself.
i felt that way - MOST of the other kids in O's class have older siblings and all the parents are buddies or went to school together "back in the day" - but then it got better the second we started doing sports. for some reason it's mostly the GRANDMAS that like to come talk to me though . . . WTH? hopefully it will get better once you get started. Also - isn't she still a little young to be worried about "reaching out"? I think it's still considered developmentally "normal" to be playing alone - i know I always did because I had a big loud family and I like to do my own thing whenever I could! plus isn't that supposed to be some sign of giftedness/intelligence or something?
This is EXACTLY how I felt, both when my oldest started school for the first time and then later, when we moved & he had to change schools. I remember feeling like I was dressed wrong, not friendly enough/ too friendly, not into the volunteering thing enough, and like not only did 90% of the other moms know each other, but they also knew critical things that I didn't.
Three years later, I don't really feel that way anymore. However, I know now why I did: coming from daycare, when the most conversation you're going to have with other parents is a quick sympathetic eye roll when someone's kid melts down at check out time, school feels more like a club/ job. Some moms are there ALL THE DAMN TIME. They're the ones you notice first and the ones who felt to me like The Other Side, even when I was a stay-at-home mom.
It took a while for me to notice the other moms and dads, the ones more like me. Now I've even, like, volunteered and stuff. If I don't hear about something, which is frequent, I assume it's because whoever's in charge of it is disorganized, not that everyone's been to a big secret meeting that I wasn't invited to (uh, that's how everyone feels at first, right?).
Personal experiences may vary, blah blah blah, but in this way, at least, elementary school for my kids has always felt more like a job: eventually, I get used to it. I fit in as much as I need to.
I put off the "separate classrooms or together" decision for nearly five years, figuring that when the time came for school, I would just ask the twins what THEY wanted and do THAT. But then, Edward wanted to be together, and Elizabeth wanted to be separate. Um.
And then, we did them separate (because that's the school system default, and to correct the default you have to CALL and then MEET WITH THE PRINCIPAL, and I didn't feel strongly enough about it to, like, take action), and Edward went totally quiet and friendless and got referred for Special Services, while Elizabeth thrived. So then I was wondering if we should have put them together so that Edward would have done better? or did this mean separating them was right, because it wouldn't have been good for either of them to have Edward depending on Elizabeth? I STILL don't know. My guess is that BOTH ways work well, and that there's no way to tell which way is better for any particular set of twins. (And Edward is doing okay now. So does that mean it was GOOD for him to be separated? or would he have had an easier time if.....? It goes on and on.)
Also, it's almost all at-homes at any school event I go to, and I don't fit in AT ALL. They're all talking about PTA and playgroups and fundraisers and chaperoning field trips.
I hope you bitch-slapped that daycare teacher: most adults can't entertain themselves, and the fact that Ava CAN should be noted with approval and admiration instead of being treated as some shortcoming that needs to be fucking corrected.
We had the twins in separate classrooms - mostly because one likes to act as spokesperson and the other one lets her. I think it would be hard to be stepmother to twins! (or just step mother in general - I read a book on it once)
It sort of drives me crazy that the default of most schools is to separate twins in Kindergarten, because it's totally a family decision. There is no evidence that twins do better apart in K, in fact, there's quite a bit of evidence to the contrary. And I think it's awful that school make parents jump through special hoops to make a decision that should be theirs to make. In fact, I think the default should be to keep them together unless there's compelling evidence otherwise.
AHEM. Anyway.
I think that MOST twins (but of course not all) will find K an adjustment, and that if part of their regular "coping mechanism" is to lean on each other through change, then they should be kept together. Conventional wisdom says "they need to LEARN to not NEED each other", but of course, they don't HAVE TO learn this at age 5. There's plenty of time throughout elementary school to "LEARN" this, perhaps in 1st or 2nd grade, after they've acclimated to being a "school aged kid".
I also think that if twins DO usually lean on each other through change, and then they are forced apart, they get some kind of weird, unspoken message (or sometimes spoken; I've actually had teachers and other parents say stuff like this to me in front of my girls)that somehow their bond is BAD and that they must not NEED each other because needing each other is BAD. Again, they are 5 (or 6) years old... why send them such a weird and untrue message?
So anyway, that's my little (big) soap box about twins. Sorry about that.
My girls were together for K and separate since. I've requested every year that they be placed in classrooms near each other and/or with teachers that work closely together. I have not yet had the problem of one girl hating her class and the other loving hers, but I think having them in classes where the teachers work closely together means they get teachers with similar teaching styles, so when they compare notes things seem fair. (Things being FAIR is a big topic for twins, as I'm sure you've noticed.)
Also, having them with teachers that work closely together makes logistical sense. They have the same spelling words and homework, for example, so our (already crazy) evening routine is somewhat simplified. They also eat lunch at the same time, so if I want to go eat with them I don't have a 40 minute gap between them or anything...
OH, and FINALLY, I realize that first comment makes it sound like I think it's terrible that they girls are going to be in separate classes. I don't, actually. I just think it's terrible that the schools and society in general make such weird rules and send such weird messages about something that the majority of them know nothing about. Now, if there was a "twin expert" on every school board or something, that'd be different... but it's just this random conventional wisdom they go by.
I clearly have nothing of substance to add to the whole twin separation issue. HOWEVER, I wanted to tell you I'm impressed that you refuse to "feed the mommywars." I'll admit I struggle with this as a working mom, with a job that allows flexibility to be as involved as I choose. And while I'm not faced daily with any of these dividing lines yet, I hear about them constantly from co-workers and I'm dreading it. It makes me stabby in the worst way possible.
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