So, I was supposed to have surgery this morning to remove my remaining two wisdom teeth, but thanks to the impenetrable labyrinth that is our US healthcare system I've been (temporarily) spared. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that I'm not in any position to argue since the doctor is doing the surgery for FREE. (!) Well, except for whatever he can squeeze from the arid rock that is my dental coverage, which I'm sure is laughable at best.
Honestly, I sort of feel awkward/nervous tummy about accepting a ridiculous amount of free(ish) dental work, but the doctor INSISTED, you guys. This is the kind of thing that happens to Tosc, who is in good with doctors and dentists all across Texas due to his trips to Romania to provide medical and dental care to poor people. I'm not even making that up. I guess it pays to be a Good Person. Not that I would know. Fucking Tosc and his Public Servant/Man of the People schtick, always making me look like a selfish asshole in comparison. WHICH I AM, but that is neither here nor there.
Speaking of which, I'm having a hard time adjusting to Tosc's new schedule. He works 24 hours every C shift, and then every A shift (the next day) he has paramedic school from 6-10pm. Since I don't get HOME until 6 pm, that means we basically go two days without seeing each other. Awesome. And unless a B shift falls on a weekend, I'm working, so I don't see him the NEXT day either, until the evening. When he has to go to bed early, so he can be at the station at 5:45 am for C shift. ARE YOU FOLLOWING ALL OF THIS? Yeah. Me neither.
And then there's our schedule with the girls. HOW'S THAT GOING, you say? HAHA! I just....I don't even...it's CHAOS, at the moment, is what it is.
Earlier this week, Tosc and his ex had a huge blow-out (Tosc said the conversation "cleared the fire station," and you know it's bad when that happens, since those guys are hardly delicate flowers).
Tosc's ex-wife feels that they should keep a Wednesdays and every-other-weekend schedule, Full Stop, and if Tosc is not able to be with the girls because he is working or at school (which happens TWO OUT OF EVERY THREE DAYS), then that is his problem. So basically, she does not care who is watching them, as long as it is not her. Oh, I'M sorry, was that bitchy? Well, maybe it's because when he expressed his concerns, she told him, AND I QUOTE, that his "new little wifey needs to step up the plate".
!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know, this is seriously disappointing, because Tosc's ex-wife and I actually have several things in common, despite her being mostly the anti-me, and I really hoped that we would all be able to spend time together and get along. And maybe that can still happen. In the meantime, though, I must say with 100% sincerity, from the bottom of my conflict-avoidant heart:
FUCK YOU BITCH! If I DO step up to the plate, I'm sure as hell not batting for YOUR fucking team! And if that's the way you want to play it, then I'll be happy to retire to the stands with a plate of nachos and a beer! Manage your own fucking roster! ARE WE DONE WITH THE KICKY BASEBALL ANALOGIES YET?
Jesus H. Christ. That made me so fucking angry, you guys. So of course, I immediately sent Tosc an EPIC TOME of an email (I'm more reasonable in writing)(THIS IS ME BEING REASONABLE) explaining my concerns and position on the situation, which, just to review, can be summarized as: FUCK YOU BITCH! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!
Uch. Poor Tosc. What an enjoyable and life-affirming day that must have been for him. Don't you wish you were in his shoes, so that you could have TWO wives with mutually exclusive preferences up your ass AT ALL TIMES? Makes the polygamy thing look SERIOUSLY unattractive.
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Okay, so I'm a newish reader despite seeing your name all the f over the place for the past few years (and enjoying your tater tot hotdish ever since Swistle posted it back in the day). So I don't really know lots of deets about your life story, but I just wanted to join in with you in saying
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who SAYS that?!!!
I mean, I know it was a fight, and I'm sure Words Were Exchanged and whatever, and furthermore Tosc probably didn't have to tell me that she said that, but...GAHGAHGAH.
Wait. I am NOT DONE RANTING.
The thing is, I do want to help Tosc, and I WILL help him, however I can, but I am not in this for HER CONVENIENCE.
And I'm not going to be told what my schedule is without any input.
AND, honestly, as a divorced parent, I just straight-up do not understand why she wouldn't want to be with the girls when Scott can't be, at least some of the time. If the situation were reversed I would MUCH rather Ava be with me if Carlos couldn't be with her.
I WAS SO ANGRY I BRIEFLY GAVE UP THE WHOLE "TOSC" THING. Heh.
Well, there you go, those of you who have wondered.
My favorite part of this post is the fact that there are 4 comments and 3 of them are you!
Seriously, though, WHAT A BITCH!
As a mother I don't understand her thinking either, other than she's comfortable in her life with her current free time, and she doesn't want to give that up. Which is complete and total bullshit, and makes no sense to me AT ALL. I mean, this isn't about YOU and what you're bringing to the table, it's about who's with HER kids, and how HER KIDS are spending their time. Which is the long way of saying I totally agree with you.
Also, I feel like using the F word outloud and repeatedly right now, and I'm alone in my living room.
!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boy, there is almost nothing she could have said that would make me feel more adversarial toward her. "Little wifey"?? And "step up to the plate," as if right now you're not doing anything, and as if the "wife" job involves taking HER....okay, I'd better stop. We know where we stand here. UNACCEPTABLE. And likely she knows it, but gave in to the kind of rage a person can feel toward an ex in this kind of exhausting schedule-rearranging. And so what I hope for her is that she is BURNING at herself whenever she thinks of it---and that if she knew he'd told you, that she would want to sink into a hole in the ground.
Oh I like Swistle's comment - I, too, hope she is embarrassed by her bad behavior! I mean, sure we all want a break now and then, but I can't imagine every truly feeling like I don't care who is w/ my kids as long as it isn't me - and she must not have must respect/concern for her girls' relationship with their father if she doesn't care whether he has any chance to see them.
"New little wifey" Totally unacceptable! Definitely raging over here with you. Get a picture of her and throw darts at it. Mature, no? But it would make me feel better!
And to comment on the free dental work. . . dude, you don't question or feel bad about such things! Take it! Enjoy the fact your husband is such a do-gooder.
"AND, honestly, as a divorced parent, I just straight-up do not understand why she wouldn't want to be with the girls when [Tosc] can't be, at least some of the time." This is the part I don't understand, either. Makes absolutely no sense to me.
And as if Tosc is doing this incredibly demanding job that is hard on EVERYONE just to make her life difficult.
LITTLE WIFEY? Good Christ.
Though I will say that I am grateful for this story, if only because I intend to use "clear the fire station" to describe any really nasty verbal fight from here on out. Like "ooh, that was a real fire-station clearer!" Or "man, I don't want to have this conversation. It's totally going to clear the fire station."
So what if no one else gets it? It is SO APT.
Maybe I can't really comment because I'm not in the exact situation, but I agree that if they kids weren't going to be with their dad, I would rather they be with me - within reason. I get that the logistics are probably frustrating, but TOO DAMN BAD, ex-wifey.
I . . . just . . . WTH?!?!?
I could see saying that the schedule is hard/can we revisit/(insert plenty of reasonable things here) but OH HELL. All I could think was exactly what you said earlier - why wouldn't you want your kids if the other can't even be with them? that just MAKES SENSE DAMN IT
Don't even know what to say to this. His schedule sounds bad enough, but then to have that "little wifey" comment thrown in? Wow.
This is the most hilariously rage-inducing post I've read all year. It ranks right up there with tales of Swistle's SIL. "Little wifey"? "Step up to the plate"--to watch MY kids for FREE. Ohhh yeahhh, it's ONNNN.
And I have to second Pseudostoops: I'm counting the MINUTES until I can use "clear the fire station" in a conversation.
It seems like it could be applicable to a lot of situations, actually.
Wow. Just - wow. It seems to me that forcing this schedule for HER BENEFIT is just insane. Doesn't she even care that sometimes the girls wouldn't even see their dad this way? And doesn't she see that pissing you off is NOT AT ALL the way to go? Little wifey - I about spit my drink out my nose when I read that.
I kind of want to beat her up.
I understand your frustration, but I also get how keeping the girls on a set schedule is - in some ways - better for her and for the girls. In some ways, it's a compliment to you - she doesn't mind you being alone with them. That's not the case for many moms - most moms would rather "the new wifey" just disappear or at least never be alone with their children. So, umm, that's good?
Like bananafana said, there was probably a better way for her to express her concerns. And, like you said, they were fighting and I'm sure he shared the most annoying parts of the conversation.
Is Tosc's work schedule a permanent thing? Like, is it going to be this way long-term or is this like a 6-month intro? It sounds very frustrating for all involved. Boo.
melissaink-I definitely agree that it's better for HER, but I guess I don't necessarily agree that it's better for the girls. I know that's not my decision to make, though.
The point is, it shouldn't be about what's better for her. And, I WICKED RESENT being made to feel like I am default responsible for HER KIDS whenever it's inconvenient for her to take care of them.
It's not that I mind taking care of them. I (usually) don't. But, for her to imply that I'm somehow not MEETING HER EXPECTATIONS for my behavior is bullshit. SHE has primary responsibility, NOT ME. I am willing to help out, but she has NO RIGHT to make me feel bad if I can't/don't.
Oh, and paramedic school is temporary (another 9 months). The 24-on, 48-off thing is permanent.
So, yeah, like I told Tosc, I'm looking at another 10 years of taking care of them by myself EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND we have the girls, either Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. I mean, FORGIVE ME if I feel a little overwhelmed at the prospect, especially when I feel FORCED and/or GUILTED into it.
I don't have kids of my own (yet) so all I can really offer is a related story from my own childhood. ADVANCED WARNING: This story is long, so feel free to take a pee break before diving in.
My parents divorced when I was four and my brother was less than six months old (a story for another time...) For many years we lived with our mom in the house she and my dad bought together. From age four until eight, my dad visited us every Tuesday and Thursday night and all day Saturday (sometimes Saturday night stays too).
HOWEVAH, when I was eight, something changed our little schedule - Dad went to rehab for alcoholism. When he finished his program, he could no longer see us on Tuesdays because he had to go to an AA meeting. By that time, my step-mom was fully present in our lives (although they weren't yet married.)
I can't even imagine my mom telling my dad that his girlfriend would have to be responsible for us on Tuesdays if he couldn't take us. THAT IS RIDIC. While I love my step-mom (even then), I would always choose to spend more time with my own mom than my dad's wife/gf, even if it meant fucking with my schedule. To me that is the bottom line.
I am sure my mom would have liked to continue having another day to do her own thing, and not having to adjust her kids' schedules, but being a parent is about being adaptable and doing what is best for your kids even when it is not always what is best for you, personally.
IN SUMMARY: Not everything goes to plan, lady, so SUCK IT.
Dang. I'm quite sure I'd respond exactly as you have. Bad position to be in.
Is there any chance this has nothing to do with the kids and who spends time with them and everything to do with an inability to let go of some resentment at Scott having the ability to change the rules without her input/consent - but with yours? (Assuming, of course, that he didn't make this decision with her.)
I so wish my blog was anonymous/hidden from RL people because OH do I have some stories.
"I WICKED RESENT being made to feel like I am default responsible for HER KIDS whenever it's inconvenient for her to take care of them"
ARGH!
Having been put in the "default responsible" situation myself by the ex wife (and the children's father-it's extra special when the children's dad is on their mother's side), I can only say I am wicked resentful FOR YOU...I always felt like such a bizzo not wanting to take care of them when it was automatically assumed I would, and then I felt guilty because they were just kids and needed someone, you know?
AHHH! I am (was, what's proper here) an X-wife, and I am a step mom. Here's what pisses me off about this freaking "mother of the year" X-wife. REALLY? You view visitation as your weekend OFF?
SERIOUSLY?
Real mom's don't. Real dad's don't.
They just want to parent thier kids and not make trouble for the other. They just want what's best for the KIDS.
Makes me want to go kick my x-husband some more, and my "kids" are in thier 30's.
I hate Tosc's x...jealousbitch.
I....thought Tosc was his real name.
And I thought 'cleared the fire station' was a metaphor, but then I remembered he actually works at a fire station.
Hope your sitch works out. Keep on trucking (and ranting).
Her comment showed absolutely breathtaking self-interest, and I can only hope, with Swistle, that it was a heat-of-the-moment thing that she regrets. However, my first reaction when I read it was, that 'little wifey' is the sort of phrase used by someone who is maybe feeling insecure about her build in comparison to the petite new model?
Also, am now wondering if your ex is actually called Solrac... and your daughter's name is REALLY...oh.
My ex is a firefighter and I am constantly requesting my son be with me when he is at the station or gone for 24 hours or more, rather than his live in girlfriend.
My son who is 11 also prefers this, but we go round and round about it.
I think my ex is afraid that if I have him every time he is at the station I will qualify for child support and ge does not want to pay me.
SO SAD that this probably comes down to child support.
enough of my shit
OF course the girls should be with their mom when their dad is at the station. I agree!!
I don't know what you can do about it.
my two cents is that you three go to mediation
that is all
Look, I think you're the bomb and would love to spend time with you, but I'm not a 5 year old girl who really wants to spend time with her dad or be home with mom. Their mom is just straight up being a bitch about you, to TOSC, and to her kids.
I know schedules are nice and all, but if I'm understanding correctly she wants to have her girls spend their "dad time" at his house when he's not home and then not get to see him the rest of the week? Totally unacceptable. Total bullshit.
Also like Pseudostoops, I plan to start using the phrase "I cleared the firehouse" when I have an argument so heated it can't otherwise be described. Good stuff.
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