So, what's new? I'll tell you what's NOT new, and that's how I suck at being any type of UberMom.
Exhibit A: I was Snack Mom for the first soccer game of the season, and I brought those little individual packages of sliced apples and grapes. Perfectly acceptable snack, if you ask me. HOWEVER. In the ensuing 4 weeks, each and every parent has brought either Nutter Butters or Cheez Its or something squarely in the cookie/cracker family. DAMN IT! So, now I look like the DoucheMom who Frowny-Face Disapproves of processed foods, which I think we can all agree could not be more hilarious. SON OF A. In my defense, you have to err on the side of the Douche when you are FIRST as snack mom, amiright? Well, next season I'm bringing pixie sticks and trash-can punch, I'll tell you that much. I will not be bested in a who-cares-least-about-processed-food competition.
Exhibit B: Ava's school is having an egg hunt on Friday, and we had to bring 20 filled eggs. I let her pick out the candy, and fill the eggs, and blah blah Heartwarming Easter Activities. It wasn't until I literally BOLTED AWAKE at 2 am that I remembered the candy she chose (and put in the eggs) was Reese's Eggs. As in, Reese's PEANUT BUTTER eggs. OF DEATH. So, I had to haul ass out of bed and secretly remove the offending eggs (to the candy dish, obv). Christ. I hope she doesn't notice, or she will TWIST.
Exhibit C: Carlos is planning an end-of-season event for Ava's soccer team to see an FC Dallas game. He told me about it last week, and I was all, "sounds like fun!". Yeah, I meant FOR THE GIRLS. I was not planning on going, and now he's giving me wicked SHIT about it! Wha? The game is on a SUNDAY NIGHT, on HIS weekend with Ava, and furthermore I have already wasted YEARS of my life watching soccer and I'm not about to willingly flush any more unless my own kid is involved, and even then there will be mild bitterness bubbling juuuust below the surface. I told him I thought he could handle it. I mean, really. Actually, you know what? Fuck that, I don't even feel bad about this one.
Bonus: I signed Ava up for kindergarten (at our neighborhood school) last week, and when they asked me what I wanted to check for "race", I was like, "uh". I picked Hispanic, but I'm telling you it was wicked fucking awkward. Other than Ava's last name, there is absolutely no sign that we are anything other than your Regulation Suburban Whiteys. But, you can only pick ONE! Fake Hispanic was not even an OPTION! Gah.
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22 comments:
I rarely comment, but I've been "subscribed" (why is that awkward in quotes??) since Swistle did that pay-it-forward thingy a few years ago. I'm commenting to say thanks for the laughs, especially this morning while my children are driving me INSANE (while we're at the breakfast table - yes, it's 10:47, what of it?). And I really like your title today. Newborn monkeys couldn't touch that.
For my kids' soccer, the snack schedule is actually called the "popsicle schedule". The kids really like the popsicles, but Lisa's team last year (8 & 9 year olds) went ape-shit CRAZY for the watermelon one of the moms brought.
Oh, the progressive schools of Texas. And you know, I always thought that Carlos was a white guy with a latino sounding last name, not a genuine, box-checking Latino.
Learn something new every day!
Carlos is the Real Deal (Puerto Rican), but he looks like a regulation whitey. For the most part. His siblings all look distinctly Hispanic, though.
Now I'm curious. Is it some kind of rule that if you are half Hispanic half white you have to check the Hispanic box? Why do you have to be all white to check white but if you have a smudge of one thing and a smudge of another you automatically go with what the smudge is?
Or is this where the "other" box comes into play? I always wondered about that "other" box.
(I am, as you can obviously see, regulation whitey)
Nik-Nak, I HAVE NO IDEA. This is the problem. As far as I know, there is no "rule"! But in general it does seem that, if you are a smudge something, you check the smudge? This is the problem with only being able to choose one!
I dunno. It probably doesn't matter for anything anyway (maybe for test scores?), it just wasn't something I'd considered beforehand.
I think it would have been super awesome to put "Fake" in parentheses after the Hispanic box. Let them figure THAT out.
You're right: first parent up has to err on the side of ANGELIC when it comes to snacks.
I love the verb "TWIST" here.
I'm with you on the carlos thing. His idea, he handles it. Not even your weekend. Let him deal and make yourself a little sunday funday
Agreed about erring on the side of Douchery for 1st snack. I however, was something like 11th snack last night, and NUTTER BUTTERS it is. haha!
Speaking of, I still don't know how we have SKATED BY with no restrictions on this as of yet, in either school my kids have attended! AJ takes PB&J (okay, Uncrustables mostly) nearly every day for lunch. Lucky me, I guess, because otherwise he might not eat.
Love Swistle's suggestion of penciling FAKE in. laughed out loud.
You know what's funny? According to the US Census, Hispanic is an ethnicity, not a race. So, Ava and BR are Caucasian (which I determined by a visual examination, heh) who are also Hispanic.
Tessie, you are so fucking funny! Along Exhibit A lines, I would like some more Ghetto Recipes, please.
And I'm glad you no longer feel bad about the soccer thing. Jesus lord, life is too short to sit around watching soccer when your kid ain't playing.
TLA-You're right, it was actually ETHNICITY that I had to chose Hispanic. And then for the other thing (race?) I chose White. WHY SO COMPLICATED FTLOG. Shit stresses me out.
Good call on the first snack. I mean, what if YOU had brought nutterbutters and every other parent brought grapes, and tofu and bean sprouts? (Ok, maybe not....) Definitely smart call.
pixie sticks & trash can punch
HAHAHAHAH! love that. i might have liked playing soccer when i was little if that had been the snack.
Duuude, I am standing RIGHT BESIDE you on the soccer thing. Now that my own beloved offspring plays upwards of two (to FOUR wheeze) games a week, I do not even make it to all of his games. I maintain that attending Major League baseball is an activity that is fun in severe moderation, and only on days when there is absolutely nothing else I want to do.
I think I love you - I hope am like this when I have children. Feel like I would have gone the same route with the snacks, although who am I to say (see above RE: being childless). Also? Am praying my "not even a twinkle" future children don't play soccer. Please kill me - most boring sport evah.
Love this post - I feel like I should thank you for taking the eggs out (for the sake of kids like my daughter who is allergic to peanuts). If it makes you feel any better it warms my heart to know you thought if that. However, I totally get that it is a huge PITA to worry about PB all the time - Hope Ave doesn't catch it! :-)
Keep checking Hispanic. She might qualify for more college scholarships that way when the time comes.
Hahaha, on the Hispanic thing. No worries, I know a guy who is real Hispanic and he looks like regulatory whitey. Blue eyes and all.
Oh trash can punch! HA!!
I hate hate hate snack days. It was such a fucking relief when 1st grade came around and Bud just brings his own damn snack. On Lu's snack day? I throw a box of cheeze-its in her back pack and am just done with it. Let the teacher portion that shit out. I don't have time.
Here in the deep south we have a category on the school forms for "other". Heh.
I got a good laugh at your soccer snack story AND the eggs. I hate the nut rule! I understand it but it's still annoying, especially when the best candies contain peanut butter. Right?!
We were encourgaed to fill the Easter eggs for M's school with goldfish, teddy grahams, stickers . . . pretty much anything besides chocolate. I will proudly admit I filled hers with Hershey kisses. Mom of the Year!
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