Ava is completely OVER THE MOON about being a big sister, although I'm sure that will at least partially wear off in short order. For now, it's fun to watch. It's actually sort of cool to be able to see your child interact with a sibling without, you know, having to HAVE THE BABY YOURSELF.
It's been positive in other unexpected ways too: Carlos is happy and therefore pleasant and accommodating, it's fun to shop with Ava for the new baby, and Carlosita is now a (birth) mother herself, which I anticipate to be a future benefit to our group dynamic.
I've been asked whether I feel a twinge of sadness or jealousy over the new baby, even subconsciously, as a final nail in the coffin of my marriage with Carlos. I have to say, so far, absolutely not. If anything, I'm secretly glad that Carlos and Carlosita have strengthened their bond, because I would hate to see them split up. The thought of them having a happy family life does nothing but please me, for Ava's sake and for mine. Plus, you know, I sort of consider MY OWN MARRIAGE to be somewhat problematic to the concept of getting back together.
I've also been finding that I have a lot of sympathy for Carlosita's current situation. I imagine it must be hard to be a first-time mom with a young step(ish) child hanging around. As with so many things about being a stepparent, it has all of the stresses and responsibilities and sacrifices of having kids, without all of the benefits. Plus, she and Carlos aren't married, plus her family lives on the east coast, plus she's now stuck in TX presumably for the next 15+ years, plus, plus, plus. I just feel bad for her.
In any event, NEW BABY! Yay! Her questionable life decisions are my adorable photo ops!
He is a cute little thing, I must say. And if I'm being completely honest, the mental picture of Carlos waking up several times per night while I enjoy a nice glass of wine and 8 hours of sleep is not wholly unpleasant. Heh.
If I hadn't smudged his wee little melon, you would see that he looks like Fussypants Junior! In fact, perfect pseudonym! FJ!
26 comments:
Look at her taking on that Big Sister role with such grace and affection! Very heartwarming.
It sounds like things are quite good. You are the most mature person I've ever met when it comes to divorced family dynamics. I think of you as an awesome role model.
Enjoy your wine and DVR!
That is about the cutest picture EVER. Even if the blurring makes it look just a leetle bit like Ava is putting the bottle in his eye.
And man, Tessie, you make the whole other-mother-to-a-new-half-sibling-thing sound so fun I'm tempted to want to try it myself.
Such a funny thought, that your kid can become a big sister WITHOUT you having to have another kid. So fun!
For what it's worth, my sister is a stepmother to two young kids (seven and just-turned-four), and is having a baby herself in March, and she loves being a stepmother. It is definitely challenging, the most challenging part being the parenting decisions that are not hers to make, the forced interaction with the ex, and the logistics of custody, especially around the holidays... but she loves those kids so much. And is really looking forward to having this baby and getting to have a more straightforward parenting experience, but also to seeing how her stepdaughters bond with the baby.
Congratulations to Ava! She already looks like an old pro at this big sister thing.
Jess, I actually thought about your sister when I was writing this!
I know, or at least suspect, that Carlosita loves Ava too. But as a stepparent with my own biological child, I know that I sometimes feel resentful, and miss one-on-one time with my own child, or wish that I could interact with her more, separately from the other girls. I have no problem being honest about that. And I know that shared custody does allow for some of that.
Also, I think back to my time as a first-time mom of a newborn, and how much alone time I got to focus only on Ava and bond with her, and just get used to being a MOM, and I know she won't/doesn't have that. Ava is up in her grill CONSTANTLY. It's like Carlosita's a first-time mom, with all of the stresses of that, but ALSO a second-time mom, with all of the stresses of THAT.
Anyway, I'm not trying to assume I know how she feels or anything, I can just see that it would be tough. I honestly think I would feel resentful if I were her. Especially since she is not even officially the stepparent, you know?
And to Carlos, they are both his kids, so he doesn't have to feel conflicted and I can TOTALLY see him not being empathetic in this situation.
Wow. I have a lot to say about this. Heh.
You are a much bigger person than me.
FB & W. are having their baby boy in Feb.; I think Sophie will like being a big sis but also that she will go through a lot of adjusting no longer being the center of attention as she has been for the past 6 years. Hopefully, though, most of that will occur at Dad's house and not mine.
I am curious though - last I remember, you and Carlos weren't really getting along, though maybe that has improved now that he has "a special someone" and/or is distracted by baby - so I'm just wondering, mostly for personal reasons, how you met the baby, etc. Where was it? At their house or hospital? Did you take Ava to the hospital to meet the baby, or did Carlos pick her up? Did you hold the baby, etc. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to react to Sophie's little brother, given the past history between me, her father, and step-mother; which is of course a totally different situation from yours, Carlos' and Carlosita's.
that picture of Ava and FJ is INSANELY ADORABLE. yay for getting to be a big sis! and yay for you not having to provide the baby for that to happen! :)
Farrell-as far as getting along, that comes and goes, as it always has. Right now we're getting along and we have been for a few months. I'm sure it will turn at some point again the other way but in general it's much (MUCH) easier to get along now than it was when we were married.
As for spending time with Carlosita, I starting interacting with her more when Ava started soccer. She was at the games, and so we would sit next to each other and occasionally talk. It got more comfortable after a while, I think mostly because she could see that I was fine with and even interested in talking to her.
I've seen the baby only briefly. He was born while Carlos had Ava, so I didn't have to bring her up to the hospital (although I did pick her up from hospital and bring her to my house).
As for my interaction with the baby, I would love to interact with him or hold him, but I'm super sensitive to how Carlosita might feel about that. I will totally leave it up to her whether she wants me to interact with him at all.
You are the most laid-back person about this whole divorce thing. It can't be easy being so zen when Carlos is looking for any opportunity to be a Flicker. I admire you greatly.
That photo of Ava with FJ is beautiful.
Does it bother Carlos that you and Carlosita get along?
P&D-I'm not convinced that they DO get along, simply because I don't believe that Carlos will ever really get along with ANYONE for any length of time. Unless he has changed dramatically, which I'm not ruling out. I hope he has changed at least a LITTLE.
That's not to say that they're not happy. I think there is a certain type of person who is probably well suited for him (either much LESS or much MORE assertive than me).
Anyway, does it bother me? I guess not, because I still retain the delusion that I am fairly easy to get along with. Therefore, there has to be something about their dynamic that is dramatically different than ours was. And so I don't compare? I guess? I don't know.
I wish you were my stepson's mother. You are so fucking awesome. p.s. Ava looks like such a proud big sister. Precious!
Yay for babies, and big sisters. Ava's a natural!
That is kind and thoughtful of you to keep your distance from FJ out of Ms. Carlos's feelings. I'm always BABIES BABIES BABIES!!! That it might not occur to me.
Now that my second and last child is 17 months old I can fully embrace what one of my friends with two school-aged kids said of another friend having a baby years ago "it's a miracle, so great . . . glad it's not me!" It's great to be able to be around a cute snuggly baby and then go home, have some wine and sleep for 8 hours. Best of both worlds!
Well, congrats to Carlos and Carlosita. It's just too bad that this new baby is keeping you from getting back with Carlos because, like you said, it's not like your own marriage or your feelings towards Carlos would prevent that in any way. Yay for Ava! I'm glad she likes FJ.
I think that is such a good point about how having your first baby when you already have a step-kid (or more than one) totally changes the experience. I do wonder about that with my sister. They only have her stepkids on weekends but they are so insanely busy because of that... they have to get stuff that most people would save for the weekends done during the week, and as a result they are go go going all the time and aren't going to do a childbirth class because they can't fit one into their schedule and everything is just crazy. And the baby isn't even here yet and I do wonder how the newborn experience will be for my sister when she has these other kids and this crazy schedule to contend with. AND given the fact that it will be HER first time but not HIS first time so it won't be a shared experience in the same way.
The whole thing makes me glad that this will be the one and only baby for Torsten and me and that we will be going through it together without any distracting elements or complicating factors.
But on the other hand I know in my sister's case she loves her stepkids so so much and would never wish that they weren't there. As complicated as their life situation is about to get. So I guess it's a tradeoff. But I am SURE that she will have moments of resentment, too. Maybe she will even feel resentment toward me for having the more traditional, straightforward first baby experience.
That picture is so awesome! Ava looks so doting and proud. Somehow, I don't think Gav will be all about the bottle feedings. I'm sure he'll be more concerned that his/her head will pop off on his watch.
I just love this whole thing.
Reading through comments. Pickles and Dimes is asking if it bothers CARLOS that you and CAROLOSITA get along. I read it the way you did, first. But then I was like, "Why would that bother you?" so I re-read, and now I want to know the answer too.
AH! I see now that I re-read.
I don't know if it bothers him that we get along. I can definitely tell he's still awkward when we're all together, but he doesn't seem irritated when we talk or anything.
However, I don't know what goes on when I'm not around--for all I know they could be rolling their eyes and talking about what a bitch I am as soon as they get in the car. Which is fine.
It's probably even a little healthy for THEIR relationship to make me the bad guy, at least a little. Because the alternative means that HE may have been part of the problem, you know?
Anyway, I can understand that he wouldn't want us to be, like, BESTIES, or anything, just the way I wouldn't want Carlos and Tosc to be good friends. I'm sure he would assume we were CONSPIRING AGAINST HIM or whatevs.
However, Carlosita and I seem much more compatible than Tosc and Carlos. She and I have quite a bit in common, whereas Tosc is basically the ANTI-CARLOS.
What is the DEAL with these long, introspective comments? I should write a post about this, because it's interesting from both sides.
Yes, yes you should write a post about this. It is fascinating.
And Ava is adorable with FJ!
I am finding these comments very interesting!
Congrats to the big sister!
thanks for responding to my long-ass comment. I wish you were here to guide me through the 1/2 sibling process because I need tips.
def. write a post about the dynamics among the three of you - v. interesting indeed - I think my ex would like nothing more than if me and his wife were BFFs because then we can all be one! big! happy! family! and then his guilt is alieviated. that will never happen though and it's a TOTALLY diff. situation. Still, I think it's wonderful that you are able to do what you do - talk with the wife, get to know her, be friendly. You are a bigger person than me.
Speaking as the child of the second marriage, my father's ex-wife, Bonnie, had little to nothing to do with me. She was civil when I saw her, but I never had a sleepover, she never bought me a birthday or christmas present, etc.
BUT, she and my dad had an acrimonious divorce, and they did most of their communicating through my mom and Bonnie's husband, Patrick. If my mom spoke to Bonnie, my dad was just happy he didn't have to deal with her, as she is a huge pain in the ass. But most of the time, my mom and patrick handled the kid swap.
that said, if Bonnie had taken an interest in me, i don't think my mother would have had huge objections.
Okay I'll ask: Why won't he marry her? Do they agree on not wanting to be married? Is she content with having a babydaddy? I'm sure that's too nosy but WHAT THE HELL.
Glad I found your new blog, I was getting confused once I reached the end of your old one.
Aww! Cute. My youngest sister had a little boy, and he's just under 1 month old. It's great to play/take photos and then go home and leave all responsibility to her. :-)
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