Welp, I don't really know what's been up my ass lately, but I have been the polar OPPOSITE of entertaining in any capacity. In A Mood, basically. Hmm, what a unique and fresh perspective for the month of September! You guys KNOW how I feel about Texas in September, right? Probably the same way kids who have year-round school feel when summer rolls around, i.e. bitter, miserable, jealous, and most importantly, SORRY FOR MYSELF.
So! Tess, you ask! What's your status?
Item 1: Well, we went to Alaska. Guess where the pictures are? NOT HERE, that's where! I'll save a post on this until I have some pics. Spoiler: it was cool. Literally and figuratively. Wow, I am a master of the written word today.
Item 2: Ava has started soccer, and Carlos is the coach! Bonus Carlos QT! It's nice in a way, because the games are every Saturday, and so I get to see her even on "his" weekends, but on the other hand we are clearly the only divorced parents in the group, which is still kind of awk to me. And then there's the games themselves, which are exercises in cat herding, at best. The girls all run toward the same goal, cry when the ball gets taken away by the other team, etc. Jesus H. So, yeah. Soccer mom. That's me. The other moms are all, "let's sign up for snack mom rotation!!" and I'm all, "fuck, I forgot to charge my Kindle before the game!!" Pretty standard, really.
Item 3: Kindergarten. Still have no idea what to do about that particular cluster(kinder?)fuck. We're going to visit the local public school tomorrow, and we're also still considering the private kindergarten at Ava's daycare and a private Catholic elementary school. All of these options are horrifying in their own special way, and it's making me want to die. That's the gist. I also have a wicked case of middle-class guilt SLASH possible accidental racism going on. So I'm enjoying that. Obviously.
Item 4: Impending healthkick! To say that my general well-being has gone a LITTLE off the rails in the last few months would be like saying that I'm a LITTLE obsessed with TLC's Sister Wives. Embarrassingly inadequate understatement. So, for the month of October (which starts on a FRIDAY, what in the baby blue fuck that is WHOLLY UNACCEPTABLE), I am committing to the following things:
- Seriously, no lie, WAY less alcohol (what do you MEAN this is not a "SMART" goal in that it is in no way either specific OR measurable?)
- No sugar or grains (both make me wicked sick these days)
- No dairy (WORST IDEA EVER)
I predict the dairy will be the hardest. Are you aware that I haven't had a pop OR a beer in over a year now? Of course, I replaced them both and then some with coffee and wine. It's really quite unfair that I am not yet The Picshah of Health. WAMP WAMP.
Item 5: Speaking of wine, Tosc and I (and by that I mean *I*) got a gift card to Wine.com for a wedding gift, and if I may go full circle on the Fuck You Texas thing, I JUST YESTERDAY got my shipment of wine, which I ordered in JULY. Why, you ask? Oh, due to "weather conditions in my area" they are unable to ship wine to TX between the months of MAY and OCTOBER. Sarcastic slow clap. SARCASTIC SLOW CLAP. As a bonus kick in the nuts, I had to have the wine delivered to my (very conservative) WORKPLACE, since it has to be signed for by someone over the age of 21. And of course, the entire box screams WINE.COM! on each and every available surface. So, thanks for that, wine.com. It's been a while since I ordered any porn, but I sure hope THAT still comes in a nice, discreet brown package. NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH EITHER WINE OR PORN, but you know. Just sayin.
20 comments:
Awww Tessie! So many good things in your life. Except for the no dairy. I went dairy-free after I gave birth and it was sucktacular. Never again!
Health kick! On one hand, YAY! Health! On the other hand waaah! Giving things up SUCKS. Being on the cusp of giving up dairy myself, I feel you on this one. But it seriously screws with every part of my body from the inside out. Even though it is so so good.
We had one divorced mom in Lucy’s kindergarten orientation and she asked for duplicates of all the papers which the teacher was clearly unprepared for. Um, awk much? MUCH.
As long as you're not giving up MEAT. Actually, giving up dairy really would suck . . . so Hooray Health Kick!
I keep thinking we should volunteer to bring snacks to the soccer games for O but I keep missing them due to bachelorette parties that last too long - all the other parents will just think my husband is single.
Can't wait to hear about Alaska (5 months later geez)(I really hope you can hear the sarcasm/good humor in my tone there)
My parents have that issue in North Carolina as well. In fact, they're getting record highs so they STILL haven't received the wine they ordered months ago.
I applaud your chutzpah in bringing a Kindle to the kid games. If I could emulate, I'd be able to finish a bloody novel a week during Son's Baseball Committment.
Lacking such chutzpah, however, my only out is to "accidentally" schedule events for my other child during some games. Oops! How could that happen! Oh, well, it's on the calendar! What can we do?
I'm glad you're back and alive!
Jealous about Alaska; can't wait to see pics!
Soccer: Um, yeah, ditto here. Ex is coach, and his pregnant wife is asst. coach. This means I get to see them 2x/wk LUCKY ME. I can't wait til it's over. I need a break from him/them, as he's been all up in my face as of late. Sophie loves it though (the soccer I mean).
So, no wine, no dairy, no grains... what in the blue fuck WILL you eat? Pickle roll-ups without the cream cheese?
And by that I mean, way to go on the health kick! I'm here to support you 100%.
Heh.
I've missed you. Glad you are back.
I have approximately 5 free minutes some days and I swear I've used them - on MULTIPLE occasions - to watch/research/think about Sister Wives. It's bad.
Good luck with the health kick. I might be on the cusp of doing the same re: dairy and sugar. Maybe.
Why why why are you giving up dairy? Nooooooooooooooooooo!
At least this weekend in Dallas wasn't too hot. It was about the same temperature when I left Dallas as when I arrived in Minneapolis.
I had a wine of the month thing delivered to my friend's office in Dallas last year, and she was kind of mortified (oops) until her boss said something about he loved the wine of the month club too. So maybe people at your office are secretly jealous.
My sugar-free health-kick attempt (South Beach) went off the rails after about 7 mostly successful weeks, by the way. Lame.
Excellent status update, thank you.
Holy shit, no grains, dairy or wine, I literally have almost no idea what I'd eat. What's that you say? Veggies, fruit, and meat? Well, yeah... Anyway, kudos on tackling the health thing.
Also, going on our third season of soccer and I still resent the time commitment. On the plus side, my son is nearly old enough to take to practice, leave there, and pick up. I'd say about 1/3 of the parents do that now. Will jump on that as soon as my son stops asking if I'm going to stay. Sigh.
Dude, YOU GUYS. I am so not giving up wine completely. Notice how I was TOTALLY squirrelly and vague on that part. I do want to cut down, though, maybe limit of one glass per day? I HESITATE TO EVEN COMMIT.
Also, I will not be giving up butter (technically dairy).
I wondered if the wine story was going to make a post. :) Awesome. Glad I could help.
And I have to say this line made me snort giggle at my desk: "The other moms are all, "let's sign up for snack mom rotation!!" and I'm all, "fuck, I forgot to charge my Kindle before the game!!"" Because you know I would be the mom with the sign up sheet...and the pom poms...and team signs. :) I've always said I will be one hell of a soccer mom, but PTA mom? Not a chance in HELL.
The school thing is tough. I have a co-worker who has a 14 month old and she's ALREADY quizzing everyone up here about schools becuase "it's so important and I'll be so disappointed if he doesn't get into Cistercian for high school." Oh good God. Vomit.
Oh God, I just laughed out loud picturing you on the couch with a tumbler of wine and a giant stick of butter. :)
(Also, I love that you said "pop." Midwesterners FTW!)
Giving up dairy is... hard. Now THAT is an understatement. One reason: Cheese
I'm sure you're wanting to kick me right now. I will say that when I was dairy free, I missed it, but I felt a LOT better.
Er, good luck on that health kick. I will try and support you on the no dairy thing, but I sort of think it is sacrilegious. But what are friends for, if not to support the others in hell-bent pursuits?
Oh, I am SO TOTALLY OBSESSED with Sister Wives! I was positively giddy! I already don't want them to have a fourth wife! I am much to invested already! Gah!
Loved this update but FTLOG why must you cut out every substance worth living for? At once? I want to die just thinking about it.
So glad Alaska was awesome. We switched the girl to a new school to escape the hellhole she was in and I totally felt like a hater for the two lily-white options we had for transfer. She's in the public option and so far so good; the Catholic option sounded great but guess what, we're godless so confidence is low that that woulda been good for any of us.
I want to see your tweets, can I have access?
I'm off the rails on my low carb kick half a pan of brownies and half a box of cereal style. And that's just TONIGHT.
HOORAH for SLynnRo!
thumbs down on "giving up" any food type. "Health kick?" PEOPLE, remember your food pyramid and balance. BALANCE people, instead of using fad health kicks.
Now go have some ice cream, sorry, Texans, have a glass of warm milk.
NO sugar? That really wouldn't go well with the bag on candy corn in my desk drawer.
Oh - and no dairy? So what else is there? :p
As far as being the only divorced parents at your daughter's soccer game, I'm starting to feel like no one feels like their family unit fits in. Of every friend of my son's, our family is the only one with one child and two parents who are together.
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