Uch. So, the co-parenting thing is not going well, at the moment. Like, AT ALL.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Attached to the Outcome
Carlos and Carlosita are going to have a baby.
I am HAPPY about this, because Yay New Baby and because Ava is going to have a brother and because in theory Carlos should be happier and more distracted and that typically bodes well for me. Also, if I'm being totally honest, I kind of enjoy the idea of being the only parent (of the four) to be 100% dedicated to Ava.
Unfortunately, for whatever reason, my already tenuous relationship with Carlos has basically gone OFF THE RAILS since he told me. I THOUGHT things were going well, and I showed genuine excitement over the new baby, and he came over and picked up some of Ava's old baby stuff and blah de blah. And then last weekend he refused to let me see her (it was technically his weekend but we had agreed to switch). And just for good measure, he followed up with some nasty name-calling and other colorful commentary.
You guys, I was SO UPSET, and FURIOUS, and just...miserable. Sometimes this whole situation makes me feel like I have no control over my life, and I'm at the whim of a fucking crazy person whose life's work is torturing me, and I can NEVER GET AWAY FROM HIM, because we have a kid.
And, just in case I wasn't feeling bad enough, when we were in the middle of this texting war, Ava asked me why she wasn't staying with me, and I said "Because daddy won't let you"!
Yeah. Let that sink in. She started CRYING, you guys. That is bar NONE the worst fucking thing I have EVER done as a parent. I don't know WHY WHY WHY I didn't just say "because it's daddy's turn to see you and he misses you," like I usually do. I just...really, really hate myself for that, and I am not even fishing for back pats or whatevs. THAT IS HOW I FEEL.
Well. This is cheery. Aaaaand, exactly why I don't post when I'm In A Mood.
Point is, I know him, and regardless of how well we get along for brief periods of time, I can 100% COUNT ON things swinging back in this direction at some point. I tried ignoring him, I tried asking him if there is anything wrong or if I could help, I tried telling him I was not going to read abusive texts/emails. My goal, as always, is not to let the way he treats me affect the way I treat him.
And I'm good at that. The High Road is my fucking SPECIALTY. I've certainly had enough practice. But, damn, it TAKES A TOLL on me personally, and on my husband and daughter, and also it's not even ENOUGH to be proud of my actions. I have to learn to release my attachment to the outcome, which CLEARLY is going RULL WELL.
GAWD ALMIGHTY. I hate this fucking post. I hate him, and I hate myself and my unfortunate Life Choices. The end.
(you: Jesus H, what just HAPPENED?)
Here, cleanse your palate with a picture of Tosc and my sister's husband (a firefighter and a cop, in case you're playing along at home) riding a tandem bike, in what my sister hilariously titles, "Ace and Gary's Lake Vacation".
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30 comments:
Dude. This both sucks AND blows. Carlos is such a friggin douchebag. I almost wonder if it wouldn't be better to fight for sole custody just so you'd never have to see him again. I know you want Ava to have her dad in her life, but at what point will he turn his vitriol on her? Either at her directly or about you TO her. Y'know?
Anyhow, I'm sorry things are shitty right now. If you're jonesin' for a scotch egg and some alcohol, lemme know. I'm totally up for that.
I knew it!! You got married and he had to top you!!
We all go wide right sometimes, parenting-wise,I have actually made Sabrina cry (like hurt her feelings) when I've snapped at her. Not that it will make you feel any better.
no back patting, but for real? You really are a champion high road taker. If I'd married him, I might be pecking out this comment from death row.
J/K, there's no capital punishment in NJ!!
Ugh. Carlos reminds me of my sister's ex-husband. He pulls the same sh*t with her, saying he'll switch visits and then at the last minute changing his mind, or he makes it really inconvenient for her to pick up/drop off their son, so her visits get cut short. All this to say, people like this are assholes, and you are a good person for trying to take the high road all the time.
It is hard to not say those kinds of things about someone that makes you so crazy...at least you recognize that it wasn't the best move. Some people don't care, or don't realize that it hurts the kids more than their ex. So good for you for not being one of them.
I'm not even trying to pretend like I'm some kind of SAINT or whatever, because the fact is this is the situation I'm in, this is my life, and I don't really have a choice. Being nasty back isn't really an option, because that doesn't make me feel better, and it only gives him satisfaction.
So...yeah.
I wonder if Carlos was pissed that you reacted so well to the news about the baby, so he had to keep flicking until you were upset.
I'm sorry it sucks right now, and I'm sorry you will have future periods of suckitude as well. I do hope the other things going on in his life will make things better for you.
At least you have the ambiguously gay duo to depend on.
I wonder the same thing -R- wonders: when I read how you acted so well, I thought, "He wanted you to be UPSET, and now he's upset that you weren't upset, so by hell he's going to MAKE you upset."
I'm really sorry you're yoked to him forever.
Man, it is like it is his LIFE GOAL to make you miserable. What a dick.
I know you feel bad about saying that to Ava, but you weren't lying, you know?
Nothing to say other than to express sympathy. And I wish there was an undo button for things we say to our children that we immensely regret because I could certainly use one.
I agree with a couple of the others: the bombshell was designed to be upsetting and you being happy about it, and happily married to someone else, wasn't the reaction he was going for so he decided to be a total provoking asshole to MAKE you upset any way possible. Ugh I want to SMACK him. AGH. I feel sorry for Carlosita, because she's now stuck with him forever too.
So, so sorry. Gahh. Hang in there.
The whims? That high road - and the toll? We know it all well (me in a slightly different way, of course, since I'm an attached bystander).
I'm genuinely very sorry because I know it's fucking miserable.
Carlos is a shithead. End of story. Everything everyone else said...he didn't get the reaction he wanted when he told you, so he's goading you to get it some other way. Shithead.
Carlosita..heh.
I don't get why he's so pissed. I'm sure it's like others have suggested and the baby announcement didn't have the desired flick-effect he was looking for, but why must he continue to flick when he is clearly moving on? I wonder if he flicks Carlosita yet. Maybe she'll turn out to be normal/nice and help to calm down Carlos where you're concerned.
Geez-us.
Seriously, don't beat yourself up for something you said in the heat of the moment to Ava. Yeah, it wasn't a shining moment, but you are human and it's OK.
Carlos really rocks the asshole train, doesn't he?
Aaaand, I don't really have anything else useful to say except that OBVIOUSLY you are doing the right thing and it is HARD and dang. Also, SURELY Carlos will someday MOVE THE HELL ON to tormenting someone else.
And if I could I would send you an e-drink.
Please reassure the faint hearted among us that Carlos treats his daughter 200% better than he treats you, because otherwise the thought of Ava growing up in that mess will reduce me to tears for a while.
Ugh, I hate it when I say something to my kids that I instantly regret. The feeling of screwing up just sucks. But I'm only human and, therefore, am going to fuck up occasionally. As others said, at least you know that's not how you want to be with Ava, so you keep working at it. Bleh.
Carlos, however, is an unmitigated ass.
Can I tell you it gets better? Ummm, no. I can't. Almost 4 years divorced/separated from my ex and he is still an immature bastard. He's kicked it up a notch since I got remarried this year, so that might be happening in your case too. I too, try to take the high road and don't always succeed, but I try again the next day. No earth-shattering advice, just lots of empathy!
As if Carlos hasn’t done a superb enough job as it is proving that he is a warped minded control freak….using the news of his unborn child to hopefully inflict some type of rise out of you? And then to try to use Ava as a way to punish you as well? Umm, way to reach even lower standards of douche bag living.
Rising above is always satisfying, no doubt but that doesn’t mean a weak moment doesn’t arise from time to time. Not that it makes you feel better in anyway. I have an interesting time dealing with my ex and co-parenting as well. Fucking sucks. You can’t argue with stupid. He reminds me of that frequently.
Yes, definitely a flick. He is a douchnozzle.
I was married to the same guy and divorced him, and he did the same bullshit of switching weekends and then changing his mind. And just generally tormenting me. It escalated seriously when I remarried. I called him my own personal terrorist. I used to pray that space junk would land on him.
Once his baby-mama left him, took the baby and left the country, he got on medication (apparently - we couldn't figure anything else out, it was so weird) and stopped being such a douche. Once my kid started high school, he kind of let up. And now that the kid is driving and is the master of his domicile, guess whose couch he's lounging on? Mine. The high road does pay off, but it takes a long time, and it's a hard fucking road to travel.
Your child will know the difference in who has her best interests at heart vs their own, but again, it takes years. It's worth it, and your life will be peaceful and happy without that constant nagging dread of what your ex is going to pull next.
You will get away from him. He will become a very minor entity in your life, someone you have to invite to awards dinners and such but nothing more.
~Laura in New Braunfels
Well, I agree 100% with Jess. Carlos is not only a flicker, honey, he is a downright abusive, manipulative, motherfucking asshole.
There. I feel better, anyway.
About the comment to Ava: yes, I am sure it makes you feel like shit. I am sure you don't want to be the parent who is "saying stuff about the other parent." But shit, you weren't lying.
So, as icky as it feels, it could have been worse. Feel like shit about it for a bit, and then tell him to fuck off. You deserve better, Tess. Even from an ex.
Jesus, I fucking hate him right now.
I feel like maybe? Carlos didn't actually want this new baby? And he's pissed about it and taking it out on you? And also pissed that you got married and clearly moved on while he is "stuck"?
So not cool dude, but he clearly can't stand you being happy.
I will have to look into the "not being attached to the outcome" thing.
In the meantime, my ex is also having a baby and it only took me 71 months but finally, I don't actually care. And I think he's definitely confused by that. Also, he's been up in my face and acting weird and clingy lately and I kind of just wish he would go away for a while. Give me a break.
Sometimes co-parenting SUCKS.
Coming back like a giant nerd-burger to ask this: Brother? She's far enough along to know the sex? Linus Diaz lives!!
Yeah, she's actually due around Thanksgiving, so pretty far along. He told me shortly after they found out the sex.
Linus Diaz! Heh.
There's a reason they are "X's" people! You think we are outta our minds for no apparent reason????
Sorry, my own x rant here.
As the years pass, it does on comfort to see the X .....a) living with his aged parents
b) all adult children avoid talking to him
c) weighs in at 300+ pounds
d) all that makes me really sad...for my kids.
It's a lose lose situation. Taking the high road will make you a better person in the end, and Ava will be thankful that her mom is a better person. Sucks but it's true.
Man, not having a light at the end of the tunnel in dealing with him is depressing. I would hate that, and I hate it that it's your reality.
Also, I think Ace and Gary might like my good friends Elaine and Gary (what if they are the same Gary???). Check it out: http://catalogliving.net/
Aww. Big hugs. Fuck that guy. It seems Douchey Ex-Husband Syndrome is rather common.
hey I'm late here but just wanted to say I'm so sorry!!! I hope it swings back the other way quickly and stays that direction as long as possible. At least you'll be able to be proud of your actions when Ava is older and she'll definitely be a better person after having that example. SUCKS THOUGH!!!! damn flickers
I've never had a kid, but Ive heard multiple times NO parent is perfect. They all say stupid shit, things they regret. Especially during divorce.
Ava knows you both love her.
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