Thanks to everyone who commented or emailed yesterday. Each and every response really did make me feel better, although I wasn't lying when I said I hated that post. I strongly dislike the way I write about serious topics, for the most part.
One reason is because I always think I'm making myself out to be some kind of saint, or martyr, or whatever, which clearly I am NOT. I don't think Carlos is a bad parent, and he certainly doesn't treat Ava the way he treats me. I would be very shocked if he ever DID, although I think exposure to his temper and mood swings is probably unavoidable.
He is just a very angry person for various reasons, many of which are legitimate, and as his ex-wife I am a convenient target for his rage and control issues. I do feel that I can handle it, and I sincerely hope that he is sparing Carlosita as a result. Ava is very attached to her, and I think she is likely a very good person, and the best thing for everyone is for him to avoid somehow running her off.
I do think he is angry/upset about my marriage to Tosc, and POSSIBLY about my reaction to his new baby. I am almost positive he is happy about the baby, especially since it's a boy. It's hard to explain to people how important having kids is to Carlos, or anyone with serious attachment/abandonment issues. I'm no Dr. Phil over here, but I was not at all surprised that he was going to have another child. I think being a parent is absolutely the most important thing in his life. I don't think he feels "trapped" in any way, as he reportedly has no plans to marry Carlosita, although I hope she is able to eventually talk him into it (especially since she is an elementary school teacher in Texas, where unfortunately being pregnant and unmarried could result in embarrassment for her).
I do think he STRONGLY dislikes the fact that he's tied to me for life (and now her as well). He is a cut-and-run type, and I'm sure it drives him AROUND THE BEND that he can't just cut me out of his life and never speak to me again. Heh. NOW who forgot to TITFTLOG, eh?
Seriously, though, PSA: if you're thinking about having a baby, you might ALSO want to think about whether you wish to be tied to not only the BABY, but also the CO-PARENT, FOR LIFE. Just sayin. You DO come to this blog for Life Advice, don't you? Oh.
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22 comments:
That is good life advice right there.
You would think that people would know that (about the being stuck with someone FOREVER), but they don't.
I didn't realize that (about a child making two people stuck FOREVER in a way marriage didn't) until after my first marriage ended and I was like "OMG, THANK GOODNESS I CAN JUST NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!!" and SO grateful we hadn't done HIS plan of keeping us together (which was, if you can believe it, to have a baby). I had to think about that very carefully when Paul and I had our first baby, because actually I would NOT want to be tied to him forever---but I don't think there are many people I'd want to be tied to forever after a marriage split up, and he's probably in the top layer of candidates.
Yeah, I was actually trying to explain to a friend recently how, in my mind, having a SECOND child is a different decision (provided it's with the same person), because you are ALREADY tied to that person and additional child doesn't have much marignal effect on that.
YES. I have learned that PSA from my sister who just married a guy with two kids and now they are stuck in so many ways, from the parenting decisions they can make to how they can spend their money to who they have to deal with to where they are allowed to live. Such a pain. I know it sounds weird because I obviously did most of my thinking about this issue before getting married, but I really did strongly consider what it would be like to be tethered to Torsten forever through this baby if our marriage did somehow end (though I still can't imagine that happening ever), and I really just trust and believe that he is a good person and it would be fine. But yes, make sure you have your kids with the right person, crucial lesson there.
This makes me think of another question, and if you aren't willing to go there on the blog I totally understand, but what's the situation with Tosc's ex-wife? How does he feel being tethered to her forever?
I think the other PSA is just how badly you can fuck up your kids. You've alluded to incidents in Carlos's past that have made him the angry paranoid controlling alpha dick he is today. He was a sweet little baby once (maybe). And somewhere along the way he became so broken. Sad.
Lest you think I'm feeling sympathetic to him, I'm not really. He's old enough to have sought therapy to escape his childhood influences. I'm just looking at my baby son hoping not to fuck him up, utterly.
In general, Tosc's relationship with his wife is better than mine with Carlos. I mean, no one LIKES having to deal with someone they are no longer married to, but they do ok for the most part.
Tosc and his ex-wife barely knew each other when they found out she was pregnant, so that's an interesting and totally different sitch.
Back to add: My dad and his first wife just kind of stopped speaking to each other directly. All communication was either my mom talking to ex-wife's husband or my mom talking to ex-wife. Maybe Carlosita can provide a buffer. Seems more fair than Tosc having to do it.
THIRD TIME OMG! I will stop after this I swear! (Dangers of nursing in reach of a laptop, sorry)
I just read what you said about Tosc and the ex Mrs Tosc. JD and I were only dating 2 months before I got pregnant with Sabrina.
I agree about the second kid comment.
I don't know that there's anyone I would want to keep having contact with after I got divorced. I mean, I love H and don't plan to divorce him, but if we had some kind of situation where it didn't work out, I can imagine future interactions being awful. Mostly because I tend to go from love to hate - none of this inbetween indifference. Not that I think we're going to get divorced! I don't!
That is an excellent PSA. My cousin was a teenage father and the crap he has had to endure being tethered to his crazy highschool girlfriend for the past 16 years is mind-numbing.
Yes. I dated my college boyfriend for much too long and when I finally broke it off was SO HAPPY we could just go about forgetting the other person who we used to love ever existed for the rest of our lives. It was an important learning experience - think really carefully before doing something that is going to tie you to someone for the rest of your life. Now I just threaten my husband with death before divorce ;-)
Wow, just catching up. All I can say is, I'm sorry for Carlos goading you like that. I feel certain some men feel it's a win if they can destabilize a woman's emotions. Does a big disservice to the word win, but whatever.
I guess we can hope that the new baby will heal something in Carlos, or at least keep him busy enough that he won't have so much time for playing these tricks on you.
It's really hard to be the big person when you yourself can't just cut and run.
Kids are amazing people. I think you should apologize to Ava for saying the thing that made her cry. Kids handle apologies pretty well. It's always been kind of a bonding moment when DD gets a chance to forgive me for some thing I did that was out of line or a mistake or whatever.
Motherhood. Three syllables to convey complete and utter vulnerability.
Oh Tess. It really sucks to feel like you don't have control of your life. Or, not just to FEEL that way, but for it to actually be the case. I'm sorry about all this.
You know, I read every one of your posts and I have NEVER gotten the notion that you disrespect Carlos as a father. For what that's worth. I really do think that one of the best things you can do for your child(ren) is to respect their other parent, married or divorced or whatever. And I think you do that really well.
This brought back memories of the YEARS I was tied to my ex because of the kids....regardless of what I thought of him- I never voiced that in front of the kids- and when someone else made a snide remark about their dad in front of them I just told them not to worry- they got the best of both their dad and me in their genes.
I wouldnt let anyone say anything bad about their dad in front of them if I could help it.
They grew up and leaned on their own what an ass he was- no one had to help them reach that opinion.
And the day our youngest turned 18 when the Ex called about some odd thing or the other- I informed him that since our baby was now legally an adult- we had no reason to talk with each other again. If he wanted to know sometrhing about his kids- he could talk to them directly and leave me OUT of the equasion, TYVM.
Until that baby's funeral 5 years later- we didn't speak.
And we haven't since, either.
I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time.
I think if you snapped and made your daughter cry and that was the worst thing you've ever done as a parent, you are doing okay. We've all been there, if for different reasons.
Hang in there.
I am so sorry you have to deal with this guy. But it sounds like you are doing all you can, which is all you can do, you know?
oh man, catching up now, and UGH. GAH. SORRY.
that "not being tethered to someone" thing IS really good advice. once i turned about 25, i got really picky w/the guys i slept with for that reason - it started freaking me out to imagine having to spend the next 18 years dealing with whatever douchebag i was using as an f-buddy at the moment.
also OH MY HOLY JEEBUS, they barely knew each other and she got knocked up with TWINS!? that's... horrifying. i mean, happy hooray babies whatever, but HORRIFYING.
You know, Tessie, I have ALWAYS thought you were doing such a great job being a respectful co-parent with Carlos. Always. In fact, I have thought of you and your philosophy to keep things connected and respectful as so admirable.
It really sucks that Carlos isn't living up to your example.
I agree with whomever said to apologize to Ava. She will remember that and really appreciate it.
See now, I disagree that you should apologize to Ava. (Conflicting advice that you didn't even ask for! Yay!) It's not the end of the world when parents snap at their children and say stuff that they regret later. And certainly there are situations where parents should apologize to their kids. But I would be very surprised if Ava even remembers the incident or that she is sitting around thinking about it. I think it would make it into a bigger deal if you went to her all mea culpa. I would chalk this up to experience, remind yourself that you can do better, and MOVE ON.
You're totally NOT being self-righteous or anything of the like! So don't even think that. I admire your willingness to look at the situation with a glass half full outlook and I'm sorry but I can't even IMAGINE how I would feel being tied to someone FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE that I couldn't stand. So kudos to you! And to all of the other moms/dads out there who are forced to do it as well. It takes a special person, that is for sure. I guess who MAKE yourself deal with it? Eventually it gets better? Anyway, love the blog, this is my first time reading and I can't stop!
p.s. Congrats on your marriage. You look incredibly happy.
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