Man, I was a straight DICK to Tosc last night. Uch. I literally bitched at him, shrew-style, for like a solid hour. What was the occasion, you ask? Oh, just the last evening we have alone together for the next two weeks. SARCASTIC SLOW CLAP. I know what you're thinking. Maybe we'll get divorced so YOU can marry me and gain unfettered access to my considerable array of bullshit. Don't worry, I've been wicked busy hating myself all morning. In between the HOURS and HOURS of budget meetings. So, best day ever, basically.
I've been pretty foul lately. I think that much is clear. I miss Tosc and I'm eating shit food and drinking too much and I don't like any of the new fall shows and MY PETS HEADS ARE FALLING OFF. Is what I'm saying.
Well, anyway. Shake it OFF, Eeyore. Let's run the highlight reel, shall we?
*I went to Mexico with bestie Woz, to celebrate (?) the fact that she is moving back to London to finish out her work visa. If you've never had the pleasure, traveling with Woz is like traveling with fucking George Clooney in Up In The Air. It's all Executive Platinum and all-you-can-drink and free wifi and shit. I highly recommend it. All of the perks by osmosis, without the pesky soul-sucking business travel. I'll check if she's taking applications for new friends.
*On the plane we were seated in first-class (OBV), and this INSANE woman kept brow-beating the flight attendant about the (free!) wine selection. She was all, "You don't have anything TOP SHELF? Is that TYPICAL?" It was like a legit SNL skit, complete with faux-sympathetic flaming gay flight attendant. Which part didn't you get, the BUH, or the BYE?
*We were neither raped nor murdered during the course of our stay, which is always nice when you're two young(ish) gals traveling alone in Mexico. Well, unless you count the EAR RAPE at the hands of the Jon-and-Kate motherfuckers lounging near us by the pool. We're talking douchey Asian dude, cranky white bitch, the whole nine. It was uncanny. She ripped him a new one at top volume for about an hour, at which point she huffed off to the other side of the pool. THEN, about 30 minutes later, she "allowed" him to move all of their shit and come sit by her. The poor bastard DID it too! God, I really hope they were newlyweds. Best of luck to you, sir.
*Carlos and I are just now recovering from our latest feud, aka Lunchgate. We pack Ava's lunch each day, because he's a cheap control freak and because I bought a shit ton of bento stuff in a stress-induced back-to-school fugue state. Anyway, there were several days when Carlos picked her up and she hadn't eaten the lunch I packed for her. Here's how I feel about this: mildly irritated at the waste of food, effort, MOTHERLY LOVE, etc. but otherwise unaffected. Here's how Carlos feels about this: SHE HAS TO EAT, FOAH THE LOVE OF GAWD. SHE CAN'T STAHVE ALL DAY. So. A healthy discourse ensued. Him: "Tell her to eat!" Me: "Nope." And so on. In the end, we agreed to disagree. By which I mean, I hung up on him.
AAAAaaand, we're full circle on me being a dick. I like it. Feels tidy.
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20 comments:
It is rare that I laugh as much as I laugh when I'm reading one of your posts.
I tell my son he has to eat more of his lunch whenever he fails to do so, but only because when he doesn't eat enough lunch he is straight up starving and, consequently, a gigantic PITA when I pick him up at 5:00. I get that socializing during meals can lead to eating less, but the kid has got to stop talking at some point and jam some food in his mouth! Sigh.
It makes me so happy when you post.
My husband who 1) I am still married to and 2) I like very much, is disproportionately concerned when my daughter, who is Ava's age, doesn't eat what he feels to be an adequate amount of food. I don't really care. And last night, he wouldn't give her more carrots unless she ate more of her chicken. I did not interfere, lest I be accused of overruling, but carrots! C'mon now.
At Ava's school, they actually enforce a no-talking rule for the last 5 minutes of lunch, in the hopes that the kids will actually, you know, EAT. I'm sure about 95% of the food gets eaten in that last 5 minutes.
I've never really been successful telling my kid to eat.
Me: Eat!
Him: Nope.
Me: Eh.
I'm with you, obviously. Also, there's a little surge of joy when your posts pop up in my reader because of the guarantee of funny.
I'm so happy to hear from you!
I remember in kindergarten there being a twenty minutes no talking period. We were allowed to talk the last ten minutes IF our lunches were eaten. It was the only time I ever got in trouble, lunchtime.
Addy only ever eats about half her lunch, too. And she is always irritable and easily has meltdowns after school, but basically, short of GOING TO SCHOOL and shoving her food down her throat, what can you do? I just tell her to make sure she eats until she's full.
"Fugue state." Thank you for that. I love you and Breaking Bad in almost equal measures.
this post just made my afternoon! I always love when I see you pop up in my reader
i will not push any food issues with my kids. we offer them healthy food, they eat or they don't. anything else seems like your courting some future pain in the ass. as our pediatrician says "they'll eat if they're hungry". god bless that woman i'd marry her if I could.
my sister used to come home with half- or barely-eaten lunches, but i sure as hell never did. i had the metabolism of a frat boy growing up and ate ALL THE THINGS, as frequently as possible.
Sorry you're feeling shitty about your fight with Tosc. Sometimes guys just don't seem to get it.
On the positive side, your trip to Mexico sounds like tons of fun.
Agree with Swistle. I pretty much live for your posts.
My kid never eats anymore. Hubby asks me if this is odd and I respond with, "Not according to my bloggie friends."
In all my relationships I seem to be alternately overly concerned with being a doormat (which leads to shrew-like behavior) and overly concerned with being a bitch (which leads to post shrew-like behavior remorse). It's delightful for everyone involved.
Where in Mexico did you go? Watching people bicker in public wildly uncomfortable.
Puerto Vallarta--we stayed at the Marriott resort there (WOZ AND HER MARRIOTT POINTS). We did the all inclusive thing, and it was GREAT.
Please consider this my application to be Woz's friend. I want to take awesome trips! My dad used to travel for work, so we always got to go to the private lounges and have priority seating and sometimes 1st class. I think I should still be allowed to use his perks, even though I'm 32.
The John and Kate doubles sound awesome.
I wish they had some kind of no talking period at lunch at my son's school. Sure, I realize more than 5 minutes would be impossible, but if they even had 5 minutes I'm pretty sure most of his lunch would be consumed in that period!
Excellent highlight reel (SNL reference had me snorting my drink), and SO VERY sorry about the day of budget meetings. Frick.
I bet doing the Accent Vlog would make you feel better...
GAWD I LOVE READING YOUR POSTS! I get giddy when there's a new one.
Kids will eat when they are hungry, you can't force them....won't do any good.
Love you and miss you!!!
Also, that gorgeous tan I had post Mexico.....two weeks back in the UK and its turned BLUE! WTF?? How does that happen!!
Xoxoxo
Eee, a Texxie post! And timely for me. Being married is fucking hard, no matter how awesome the dude is. I often call it a never-ending game of "... is he retarded, or am I an asshole? DISCUSS."
Just thinking about it, and I've decided to request a no talking thing at work....would make my lunch time much more agreeable.
How is it that we (females) all feel much better about ourselves as dates or fiances than as wives. We "turn" as quickly as a vampire does at dark.
wicked wives....the sequel, I can hardly wait
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